Hello All,

(preface: this is just how I am feeling, no two people will grieve alike, please don't take my posting as saying 'this is the way', this is just my way, this is how I handle my losses, be it right or wrong, everyone grieves differently, tears helps one, smiles help another, and laughter helps someone else. I do cry, though not alot, I love smiling and laughter more and find a way to bring that about, but I do have my moments, when the tears find their way on their own....just didn't want anyone to take this the wrong way, I would never belittle anyone on their emotions, we all have true emotions and everyone shows emotions in different ways...thanks for reading)

My Mom passed away just 3 weeks ago. We lived 1200 miles apart for the past 14 years, but I called her EVERY day! We would chat it up for an hour or two. She was my Rock, My GO TO gal! My father passed away 10 years ago and I know how much she missed him, although she acted 'tough' on the outside, I know her inside, because I am just like her! She was diagnosed with Gall Bladder issues on a Thurs, but on Friday, after some MRI's, they found cancer masses, Pancreatic Cancer as it started, but moved to other organs. She refused to try any treatments as she was Stage 4 (age 81 and VERY active)! They admitted her to the hospital on a Sat. and the Dr. on Monday asked family to come if they where coming, she didn't have much time. I talked to her through this and let her know how much she was my BEST FRIEND and I always look forward to our early morning coffee discussions and when she passed on, I would still be talking to her every morning, which I do. well, I got there on Tues afternoon and we all got a chance to see her when she was still able to talk and recognize us. My sister and brother left me at the hospital and at one point she called my name and said "I'm home, sweet Jesus, I'm home", at that point I knew what she meant! She was preparing for her journey. I sat and sang to her, she loved to hear me sing, and talked to her and let her know everything was okay, we would all be okay and to be sure to tell Dad I miss him everyday! Hospice then took over and this is the 2nd interaction I have had with this group of Angels! They are the most self-less and patient, understanding and loving people I have ever met! They administered the morphine to make her comfy, the chaplain came in and talked to us for over an hour, which was soooo calming! I wanted to sleep in the room that night and my sis talked me into going back to the house and come back early a.m., I broke down, i hadn't slept, traveled 5 hours via plane and was just feeling gross, the chaplain explained it didn't matter if I was there or not, when it would be Mom's time, she would go onto her journey. I went home to my sis's house that night. To understand, I would call my mom sometimes at 5:30 a.m. and wake her up in the a.m. to have coffee and chat, it was an ongoing joke with us all, she didn't mind, she loved that I called everyday! She was very active in her community and loved life sooo much...so I fell fast asleep after getting back at 9 p.m., at 12:45 a.m. I was rocketed off the couch and out of sleep, I don't know what woke me up! I went to the kitchen, grabbed a cookie and milk and went back to bed, 10 min. later the hospital called to let us know our Mom passed away peacefully. Then I KNEW what woke me up! My Mom, maybe retribution for waking her up all those times? LOL....Even though it is only a few weeks, some are worried that I haven't 'broken down' or cried alot and wonder if I'm really okay, but I generally remember things about her and smile. I keep pics around and smile everytime I look at them. We where just planning a trip up north with her for the summer too, we where flying her up, she'd stay with us and we'd take her out on the boat, which she LOVED the water. But she had prepared me for this time long in advance, little by little, sewing the seed that would eventually have to reaped. And I guess I am glad for her wisdom and her guidance as it helps me everyday deal with my loss. I guess that I feel better when I take joy in her life, than the grieving lost feeling. I would love to hear her voice and yes I pick up the phone or think "I gotta call Ma and tell her this...." and then I just talk to her openly, I know she can hear me, and I'm sure she's saying "good LORD make her be quiet" lol...my biggest peace is knowing that she is with my Dad again. His 'sign' was to mess with the toilets. sounds weird huh? but Monday morning, before I traveled to my Mom, my toilet, which has NEVER had a problem became backed up for NO REASON! That was my 1st realization I had to go. No matter what you believe, you have to believe that rejoicing in ones life is the best medicine. One saying my parents instilled in me is this, very simple: "you can't CRY over the things you CAN NOT CHANGE, but you can certainly changes the things you can" And that helps to get me through. No matter what I do, I can't bring my mom or dad back, but I can in memory, with my thoughts, my memories of times past and pictures of great lives. I am almost 50, I have seen alot of loss in my life, and it doesn't get easier as time goes on, but knowing that the losses i've felt have become the Angels I love, that gives my heart and soul peace. Another piece to all this, I am not a 'religous' person, I went to Catholic School, but I don't go to church, I don't read the bible, but I do believe in something bigger than myself, I do believe that there is somewhere past here, another journey. The heart should be open for love, love does not stop because ones life does, it lives on in our hearts through our memories, and those that go before us, they will watch over us and be waiting for us.

Mom and Dad, I love you in death as I love you in life, you have taught me the greatest of lifes lessons. I don't grieve because I know you both live on inside of me, I am what I have become because of you, because of your constant love, in death as well as life. I miss you every moment of my life, but I close my eyes and I can see you clearly. I talk to you, though you don't reply, but I know you hear me. I will rejoice in your lives and continue to strive to better myself and know that you will still guide me, through those lessons learned.

If anyone is a hospice worker, please know how valued you are. Though I may never see any of those people again, or know how to get in touch to say thank you or become friends, they have touched my life in the greatest of ways, through love and comfort. Thank you for your dedicated and tireless and self-less work daily!

To those who are grieving in loss, I hope this has helped bring you a smile. And I hope that daily you will remember your loved ones that have gone before you with a smile and love in your heart. And know that your loved one would want you to go on and be happy, but always carry your love for them.

Thanks for reading. Wishing you all love and peace and happy thoughts.
K

What a beautiful post!! Thank you k, I feel like I know your mom.

Dear Humarock ~ That was indeed a beautiful post and I thank you for sharing it with us. You and I think an awful lot alike ~ I was brought up Catholic too, but I don't go to church or read the Bible. Maybe that's why we think so much alike, huh? lol.

Your Mom sounds like a wonderful woman and I don't doubt a bit that you miss her. BUT, I know for a fact that she's with you. You probably feel her presence once in awhile, don't you? It's not your imagination. I lost my mom almost 6 years ago, and I feel her around too.

Thanks again for sharing this. And you're right ~ we all grieve in our own way, in our own time. God bless you and please take care. Peace, Lee

Thank you Allfe and Leesa,

it felt good to really get it out, sometimes writing really helps too. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I truly do feel her presence with me and I have always felt my Dad, and he had his signs to show when I needed to know he was there and something was going on, like a 'warning'. It is so comforting to know that they are there and it gives me hope for the future that one day we will all be together again.

I can't believe that wed was a month since she went to her permanent home, seems like SO much more time has passed.

One song I really have 'bonded' to during this time is Carrie Underwood's Temporary Home, what a true song and it is funny because I heard it for the 1st time at my Mom's condo as I was alone and packing up her belongings...

I wish everyone a peaceful soul in times of your grief, and a belief that there is something bigger than all of us, and maybe just MAYBE one day we can all realize that we are in this life together.....it is never I, but WE....;O)....

Have a peaceful and joyful day,
K

(((K))) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3R8267afmzw

This was so close to the journey in my life, even to being a "fallen away Catholic." My mom, best friend, died in '06, age 86, and I constantly feel her in my life, shoring me up in difficult times, feeling her consul and the faith that I am not alone. Way before her death I told her "when you are in heaven, you'll say 'I wish Becky would know I am with her,' I said "don't worry, mom, I know that you will be here for me." She always had my back in troubled times.

Mom was home from the hospital just one day...the family was all around, hospice was there; I watched her as she gasped for air, "breath mom, breath!" I said. The hospice nurse touched my arm, and I knew...let her go.

We put her pretty satin, pink nite jacket on, touched up her hair, a little lipstick, and I told her, "Mom, you look beautiful!" My last words before they took her away, as I watched how carefully they treated her.

It is such a blessing to have those comforting memories being able to let her go when it was time. Since then, the aftermath is not what she would have wanted, and that is what pains me! That is my grief, that is what I cannot deal with emotionally; I doubt I ever will.

Your story was so welcome, so loving and as things should be in a perfect world.

My dear sweet mom passed away 5 months ago. It feels like 5years ago. I miss her so much everyday. I carry her with me in my heart always. I know she klnows that too. She has given me a sign as well. I found a light on one morning. It was a lamp light that has never been turned on since the day she last was home to turn it on. So when I went downstairs early one morning to find the lamp light on next to her favorite reading chair I was quite puzzled till I thought about it. It was mom she was telling me she is ok.

pauline

Humarock--Thank you so much for sharing your story. As you can see, I am a newbie here, this is my first post and I have been lurking for about a month now. I can so relate to your story and have a similar one. Like you, my mother and I were very close--I have two older brothers--and she and I talked on the phone almost daily and sometimes several times a day. My mom, a 92 1/2 year old active, healthy Southern Lady, was misdiagnosed with a mild stroke on Dec. 9. I was bringing her to our home (in another state) for the holidays and was able to arrange for her to see a neurologist at the university hospital here (one of the top facilities in the country for neuro). After many tests and lots of downhill slides, she was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, a horrible, insidious disease which is worsened in someone her age, no matter how healthy. She passed into eternity one day shy of a month of diagnosis. That stupid disease was just too much for her and I am thankful every single day, especially after reading the MG threads, that she did not have to try to live with that disease any longer than that. In her final days, we, like you, were able to sing to her in the Palliative Care unit of the hospital. The music therapist was great and we sang old songs from the 30's and 40's and her favorite hymns. She enjoyed it so much...this was the day before she was extubated. We did not know what that would entail and were prepared for the worst. After she was extubated, we were given a true gift of TIME with her where she shared, in writing, her love for all of us, her thoughts, music, and one very special vision or dream. She wrote: "Angels came and bathed me. My Lee (my dad who died 16 1/2 years ago) was there and said I would be okay." We were amazed...comforted, astounded, hopeful. By her sharing that with us, we were all able to face whatever happenened, with the assurance and knowledge that she, indeed, would be okay. We had another day with her ---she was surrounded by her loving grandchildren (all 11 came from all over the country) and 2 of her 11 great grandchildren--before she passed with just her children present. Life is certainly a journey and, as a believer, I know that our time on this earth is short and our actual goal in this journey is heaven, where we will be in the presence of the Holy One. What a comfort to know that she is with my dad and they are complete, whole, no more suffering, no more MG. I am in my 50's and know that there is more to life than what we have and see right here. Our time in eternity is just that...it is forever and will be so much more than we can ever imagine. I love my life but I do look forward to that day when I will be reunited with my precious mom and my loving dad. For me, it may be a while, but to them---on their side of the picture---it will only be a blink. I believe that she and my dad are smiling down on me and all of their family...and, like you, I look for them, for those little signs. I can hear their voices, speaking words of encouragement and love.
Thank you for letting me vent. Grief is such a personal thing, but sometimes when we share with perfect strangers, there is healing and maybe...just maybe...it brings encouragement to others. That is my hope.

Dear Humarock, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.

I'm sure it must be hard to write while your pain is still so raw, but I can relate and I'm sure others can too.

Thank you for sharing.