I don't know how to deal with the death of loved one's. I remember when I was in elementary school, one of my aunts died,and I was taken to the funeral,but no one explained to me what was going on.I laughed because I didn't know why everyone was crying,and why my aunt was taking a nap in that big box (the casket)! My Mom got so mad she took me outside,and hit me,and sent me to walk home.I was not allowed to go to anymore funerals.But I still didn't get an explination,I just got punished,and when my Mom got home ,she beat the hell out of me! My Dad was gone with relatives. So,I never learned how to deal with death,except to get angry! Because I didn't understand why they were taken from me.I do understand now,but I still can't get over losing my Dad because he was my entire world.He gave me the only love,and encouragement I ever got growing up as a child,he didn't judge me when I was diagnosed Bi-Polar.He was a Psychologist Ph.D.,so he was always there for me.He meant everything to me.And I was upset when he died,but I was happy for him,because I knew how much he was suffering,because I was taking care of him,and his dementia was getting really bad,and his heart was dying on him,he didn't want the transplant,he wanted to go,and I just wanted him to be happy,and not to suffer anymore.But I am so angry that he's gone!I'm not angry at him,just life!I was Daddy's little Girl,and I miss him so much! But I don't think I'll ever get over losing the only person that's ever loved me unconditionally! I don't know how to deal with it,so I've been holding it in,all that anger,since he died on October 3rd,2005! I want to be with him,but not die in order to be with him,you know what I mean? I just want to see him! That's the only positive thing I can think of about my terminal illness,is that I'll be with my Dad,sooner than later! But I carry all this anger with me everywhere I go.

dear Justice

I can only say my heart goes out to you for what you are feeling

losing someone so dear to us does really impact us so deeply doesnt it

I am so glad you have found our community Justice

I hope the anger will subside for you

Cheri

Oh, ((((((Justice)))))),

That's the hardest thing we humans have to learn -- how to lose.

If we're lucky, we have kind, caring, supportive people around us that teach us how to grieve and how to heal.

Unfortunately, most of us learn the hard way -- after we've already gone through it.

I went to many funerals when I was a kid. Two military funerals. Those freaked me out because they were my uncles and the caskets were downstairs in the living room. I still remember the creepy feeling I had sleeping in the first room at the top of the stairs.

The one that really knocked me on my %%% was my brother. Suicide at age 21 (when I was only 22). It took me about 13 years to get my balance back from that. Because my Mom hid everything. She and I were the only ones that knew it was suicide. Everyone else thought heart disease.

I lost my Dad in an instant -- major heart attack. Thanks be to G-d I had written a letter telling him that I loved him and understood him. He never responded to the letter. But, I felt that he 'heard' me.

My Mom took sick out of state. I was with her every day for almost 5 months. I took care of her in two different states. Took care of her affairs. And told her every single thing that I wanted her to know. I was with her when she passed. It was the most beautiful, soul-satisfying experience I've ever had. I have no regrets. I treated her exactly the way that she deserved.

It sounds like you did that for your Dad, Justice. Came from out of state to 'take care'. You loved him. You were there for him when he really needed someone.

It's still early for "healing". Soon the memories become stronger than the pain. Then one day you'll smile when you remember. That's when the healing starts.

Honey, don't think so much about what you've lost. Try to remember what you were given. Sounds like your Dad was a true 'treasure' in your life.

I have a suggestion. Get yourself a blank book and write down the memories of your Dad. The things that he taught you. The funny things that he said and did. How he supported you. One day there will be generations in your life that haven't had the privilege of knowing your Dad. Your writing will help to bring his memory into the future. Your writing will help heal you too.

Right now your life is sort of in a state of confusion. When you get back to where your friends are and where your heart is, you'll get some of your balance back. When you get a chance, read this: http://butterflywebsite.com/discover...ndrainbows.cfm Our loved ones find a way to let us know that they've arrived safely. Your Dad has probably already let you know. But, you didn't know what to look for.

I believe that our loved ones find ways to communicate with us. Sometimes through animals, sometimes through dreams. We need to pay attention to the quiet and the stillness around us and calm ourselves so that we can hear the messages.

Justice, there's so much -- so much -- that can't get through to you because of the anger. You have to let the anger go so that you can feel the love and caring that surrounds you.

BIG HUGS.

Barb

I believe my little Nico was a gift from my Dad.The circumstances behind how I got him,just make me know that my Dad had to had something to do with it.This is what happened.
I looked in the classifieds,and I found a lady selling Chih Tsu puppies for just the right price that I could afford,so I called.Now I wanted a Male,that was all Black.So I spoke with the lady,and she said,she only had one left,and it was a male,that was all black.I immedietly said,I was interested,and I wanted him,so how do we arrange the adoption.She lived about 35 minutes away in a car,and I was sick,and had no car and could not find a ride.She had another person that was interested that did have a car.But she called me back,and said that she thought that I would be a good owner,and make a good home for Nico,she named him.So since I already had the money in my safe,in cash,she delivered him to me,and said no to the other interested party! Now if that isn't a sign of a gift from my Dad,I don't know what is,because he's been the biggest blessing in my life since my Dad!
I've had small suddle signs that he's watching over me.I've felt his presence in my home,and I've even smelled his Stetson cologne in my home.And I have been doing my writing since he passed,a few about him,some were humorous.I've sat with the 1 brother that it tore apart to,and we sat and joked about the funny things he would do,or say,and let us get away with behind our mom's back! lol...We are the only 2 siblings out of 11 that know his favorite food,and his favorite place to go eat his take out,and a lot of other things about him.
What hurts the most was I was unable to see him,the last 3 weeks of his life,because of Pneumonia! I could only talk to him for a couple minutes at a time over the phone,and I told him I loved him each and every time,just in case,but I didn't get to say goodbye! But I know that he knew what was in my heart.At his funeral,when we went to the Cemetary,my family played the song "The Rose" off my album,because I was crying too much to sing it myself,so they played the recording of me singing it,for my Dad,because he loved my voice.Then they said thier prayer,and we left. I'm not good at goodbye,I'm better at see ya later!

Justice

The first death that had a profound impact on me was the death of my childhood best friend. She was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease at the age of 24 and died at the age of 26. She was more like a twin sister to me, and it seemed so unnatural to lose her. I thought we'd always be there for each other.

Several months after she died, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. Like you, my dad was my hero. He was the only one in the family who understood my "wild side." It broke my heart to lose him. Not wanting to be left out of the "party," my mom died from amyloidosis eight days after my father died.

It wasn't really necessary for you to say good-bye to your dad. He's moved on, but he didn't leave you. Nico can serve as your reminder, along with the Stetson cologne. It's your job now to honor him by living strong. His memory, and the love and guidance he gave you, will help you on your path.

After my Dad died,just 2 weeks later,one of my best friends was murdered in our own apartment complex.Then within the next 3-4 months 3 more of my friends died.Then I lost a nephew,and then my brothers wife was pregnant,and they got in a car accident,and lost the baby.Then just this past Valentines Day,a friend in California was brutally murdered by her boyfriend! So I've had so much death surrounding me lately that it's like,I'm just wondering ,who's next? I don't like that feeling!

i no how ur feelin i lost my dad a yr ago and im still findin it hard

Yeah,today's the worse day for those of us that have lost our Dad's,I know! Fathers Day is a hard day for me,as I'm sure it is for many others. This is the 2nd year without my Dad,and I'm just trying to keep my head above water (not literally)! But at least he is still with us in our hearts,and that will never change. So in a way he is with us each year,just not physically, but I know that big hug makes a difference,it always did for me. My Dad was kindof a big guy,and he used to give these big bear hugs,the only thing that drove me nuts was when he would rub his whiskers from not shaving on my cheek. But now that he's gone,I miss it. If we try to just think of all the good memories we had with our fathers on this day,it will almost feel like he's with us,because his spirit will be. And it will give us something to smile about, and good things to think about,instead of just being sad all day. I know it's hard,because that's just what I'm trying to do, and at times it gets difficult and I find tears rolling down my cheeks. But I'm trying to be strong for my Dad,because I know he's here. He spent Fathers Day with me every year I was in town.
I feel for all of you that have lost your fathers,especially recently,mine was October 3rd,2005 but it still feels like it was just the other day. But that's just because of how strong love is!

And how breaking such a bond can feel so terrifying,and can take awhile to get used to. But I'll never get over it,I know that,I love him too much! I was Daddy's little girl,and he was my best friend,and my Father!

We can use these good memories to help get through each day, not only this special day,but each and every day, because they are all difficult. Just give it a try, that's what I'm doing. And I'm still surviving.

Good post Justice

I think it's okay to leak a little (cry) on these special days, especially when the wounds are still fresh. For me, over the years it has given me less to cry about and more to be thankful for - having had such a wonderful father in my life.

When I was a little girl, I'd walk up to him when he was relaxing on the couch or in a chair. I'd freefall onto him, crashing into his chest, and he'd wrap his arms around me. He never minded this, regardless of how tired he was from work. I'd climb onto his lap and rest my head on his chest, listening to his heart beating. He'd wrap his arms around me and say "Let's enjoy it" - meaning the quiet time we had together at that moment.

As I got older, he didn't quite know what to do with me - and I had become an angry and rebellious teenager.

He'd wake me up before dawn on Saturdays and take me out to the woods. We'd watch the sunrise, take a long walk, then cook breakfast on a grill.* We did this year round, even during frigid winters.

Most times I really enjoyed being out there with him because there were no rules.* We could talk about anything, or nothing at all.* He'd sometimes tell me stories of his childhood that would pertain to something that was going on in my life, but he'd leave it at that.* He'd act like it was just a memory that popped up.* He'd allow me to make the correlation and how it would fit into my life.

He'd talk about how important I was to him, telling stories of how he kept sneaking into the delivery room when I was born.* He'd tell me stories of when I was a baby, and how the overwhelming love never goes away regardless of how old we get.

Other times he ticked me off, especially on really cold mornings when I wanted to sleep.* He'd push me to walk through deep snow.* When I complained about the cold, he'd laugh and talk about how great it is to be alive.

It gave me a lot of strength and courage to keep fighting my battles.* Our symbolic games when I was a child turned out to be true. From beginning to end, he was always there to catch me when I fell.

It's obvious you were also very important to your father. I'm sure he'd be glad to know you plan to keep on surviving.

May our fathers rest in peace.

Hi Justice,

I 've been meaning to reply to this but couldn't find the words. And I've been dealing with my own personal "er" days. Thank goodness they're all over for this year.

I feel the pain and sadness in your voice. You seemed liked you and your dad had a very "special" relationship. Yes Justice he's always with us in our thoughts, our minds and and our hearts for ever and ever.

Yesterday I went to my parent's graves even though I shouldn't have. And I really shouldn't have because they're not there. I walked around all day with a cross in my pocket, a poem a wrote to my dad which I'm keeping private and this which I received in an email. In some little way it brought me peace and I hope it does you too.


And this is exactly why I spend so much time in my garden. My mom, my dad and Mark's voices I can hear in my garden.