I just got up from a 4.5 hour nap. It seems the only thing I want to do lately is sleep. Not because I am tired, but because it makes the day pass.

In the last 5 years I have had 2 brain surgeries, 3 strokes and 4 seizures. I was put on disability and lost my job as a corporate counsel. I do volunteer work all over the place, but that doesn't work. I am so sad al the time, worried about money, that my wife will get fed up with me, see me as a burden etc...I just want it to be like it was before.

I still have not been willing to accept the "new" me and hate my limitations. Drs, friends and family all say to not concentrate on what I can't do, but what I can do. It's pretty hard to put the negative behind me when I am constantly reminded of what I can't do. Trying to stand up, walking, carry junk, trying to go through a buffet line when I have to use a cane for the short distance I can walk. If I were to give my life a review I would check me not meeting expectations. Well just crap.

Bless your heart. It IS frustrating & depressing when we have conditions that limit our abilities. I'm disabled too due to severe spinal problems, and there are lots of things I just cannot do anymore.

It took me awhile to "accept" that I just wasn't the same as I used to be. BUT I'm grateful for the things that I can still do!! I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to do them, but I'm not going to worry about it. That's just a waste of my time, cause it doesn't change anything. LOL

You've been thru ALOT -- and I'm amazed at what you CAN do after having 2 brain surgeries & 3 strokes!!! I'd say you were a medical miracle!!! I'm sure your wife loves you just as much as she did before all this happened. Try to stop worrying about the future -- we aren't even PROMISED a future! LOL All we have is today -- so try to live it like there's no tomorrow. Easier said than done, I know -- but give it a try.

And remember that you're NOT alone. There are people "out here" who know what you're going thru. God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

I sure do understand how you feel. Nobody that has to be retired due to injury or disease feels good about it. It is depressing not to be what you were. I had a 30 year self made business, and my spinal fusions put a stop to all of it. I still fight depression as do many. I also have trouble walking, live almost on the beach, and cannot go down to the beach often because it hurts my ankles. So many of us are limited physically and it does effect all daily life. When I feel blue, and that things are too much to handle I seek escape. I go for the quiet, and dive into a book which takes me away from my current tearful disposition. I stop crying and adventure into someother location in my mind. I also depend on a few good friends to get me through the ruffer times and proceedures I don't want. I run back to this site for encouragement and compassion often. Talk to your family, let them know what is in your heart. Seek the compassion from those nearest you, ask for their help. Your wife won't see you as any different than the good person she married if there is love there. Take one day at a time, and maybe even tell the doctor how you feel. Please be good to yourself. I wish there were some magic thing to make it all go away for all of us who have limits now in our lives. I care about you, and hope that you can find fulfilment in your life. ginnie

I see you guys as the heroes. I wheelchair fence now. I can walk a bit but if I try to fence on my feet I fall right over. I look at these guys with traumatic spinal injuries or birth defects in wonder. I've only had a couple of brain surgeries.

I compete at the national and international level. But I see no ROI on me.

I used to operate at such a high level and now I see myself as a burden. The "lump in the bed" as I refer to myself in the hospital.

Am I scared? He!! yes. I am afraid that even with my CPAP on I am not going to wake up. I have such a big pity party it makes the Khardashian wedding look like a Vegas wedding chapel.I was the General Counsel and Board Secretary to a company and they cut me. That's another posting to be sure.

I am just starting with a local hospital in a mentor program they are developing for stroke survivors. We work with "fresh" stroke survivors who are just headed into rehab to let them know what they are facing. As cliche as it sounds, unless you have lived through one, there is no way you understand it. I am hoping it is good for me too. It's funny, I feel better after I spend a day with "my people."
People say concentrate on what you can do. The problem is that what I can't do keeps throwing itself in my face. Buffet lines, not being able to stand for more than a couple minutes. I don't know, I'm rambling. What's weird is that I recognize it but don't stop doing it.

now I know where you got your name. How cool that you wheelchair fence. That is such a graceful and challenging sport. How did you start up with that? Did you fence before your surgeries?
My good friend and neighbor, also had something like you do. He first had brain cancer, and surgery, that was followed by a brain bleed and a kind of stoke, then more surgery. I know what you are going through in this way. He was that lump in the bed at the hospital for three months. Some times you can't help but have a pity party. It is hard when you arn't the person you were before. My friend struggles the same way you do, with depression, and being that lump, while his wife goes to work. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. So glad you have some meaning in your life with such a cool sport. come back here anytime, I would love to hear more about where you compete. I am an avid sports fan, watch olympics when they are on, day in and day out. Have a good holiday, I hope there is some joy in it for you. ginnie

I played division 1 basketball in college and then tore my ACL twice in three years playing in a Veterans league. So I needed a sport that went back and forth instead of side to side. Or as I told my wife, "Another sport over which I can obsess." I fenced for about 8 years AB (my icon picture is me at Nationals) and when all this crap started I moved to chair. I hate to say it, but I'm better in chair.

It's so hard to watch college basketball knowing I used to do that. But I digress. It kills me to see my son-in-law, daughter, wife go off to work and I have been relegated to a cleaning dirge. This stuff is really the only interaction I get. I have some fencing friends but they work during the day. I just sleep to make the day pass. I am afraid of my choo choo chugging around the bend. Oh, I should mention I have super aneurysms. Despite being stented and clipped they are still growing. So I still have an exploding head. It may go off in 10 minutes, 10 years, or never. I am slowly losing the ability to stand for extended periods, bend, reach for something over my head.

Is a super aneurysmn a bleed in the brain? Is this what you have a shunt in for? My friend bob is also afraid his mental state is deteriorating from his ordeal. He has to go for PT and writes many things down so he does not forget. this has been a problem for him too. Are the doctors telling you this aneurysmn can turn bad and explode? ginnie

I try to stay up and doing stuff during the day, but not being able to do much makes everyday a lot like all the others. It seems the only thing I want to do is get better...but I can't speed up the process at all

In July I fractured t12 in an accident, my spinal cord was swollen and bruised. My bone is healed and now I just wait for the nerves to regenerate, which we all know is a lengthy process.

I'm not accepting anything as the final outcome and will go back to work for the federal government and live by myself + i'm not nuts...

After 5 months, I'm walking with a cane and an AFO on my right leg. I have sensation throughout my entire lower body, just very weak, including muscle atrophy, my left leg is stronger than my right.

I try to stay positive, with the help of my mom who is the best ever. God is my strength, he keeps me going, I have to do this....I cannot give up and neither can u!

Thinking about you today, and wondering what you are doing. I hope you are ok and that you keep being here on neruo talk. I already miss hearing from you. I sure have alot of science questions. I am continuing on reading about Jerusalem, "The Biography" . I had no idea of its history. None of that was taught in college, even though I majored in history. Hope to hear from you soon. ginnie

I just can't get over being sad. I don't know what it is. SO to help me cry I listen to some of the music from rent. Granted, they have a different issue, but the music is beautiful. And the brother of a friend of mine did the music and vocal coaching for both the stage and movie version. He even gets screen credit in the opening. He has done a ton of shows on Broadway. He was always super talented in school. I think he went to Juliard.
But I digress. I am just so sad it makes me not want to do anything but sleep. Although today I woke up with such a sore throat I can barely swallow. I am so scratch and dent.