Originally Posted by Idealist

I was in my mid-twenties before it ever occurred to me that I was a part of a somewhat disfunctional family. Finding out differently was a very revealing revelation.

Originally Posted by Idealist

I do have an irrational fear of approaching people intimately. I can talk to them very comfortably, but when the conversation turns to personal subjects, I become uncomfortable very quickly, and back away from them. I suppose my greatest fear is of being ridiculed for something about me which I can't change.

Originally Posted by Idealist

I don't see myself as a child and myself as an adult being the same two people.

Originally Posted by Idealist

It's the most famous question in the world. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Over the past few years I've been wondering something myself that calls for a similar question. Namely it's this: which comes first, the depression or the illness?

I've been through the whole depression routine a few times now. A year after I became ill, I holed up in my bedroom for nearly a year. I wouldn't come out of my room except to go see a doctor. I even ate my meals there. I lost so much weight that my PM put me on meds to increase my weight.

I know there are people who suffer from clinic depression, and that's their sole illness. I have a sister like that. But most of the people who come to this site have another illness, and their depression is secondary to that. There are ones who are lonely, who live in constant pain, who have been abandoned or treated badly because of their condition, or are simply not believed by family or friends.

My doctors are always trying to put me on anti-depressants. But I don't like the way they make me feel. They always argue that depression is a disease, and it needs to be treated. I agree with that, but in my case at least I don't think it can be fixed by a pill.

When I became ill I owned my own successful business, lived in a nice, big house, and could afford things like vacations or having a steak once a week. Since then I've lost the business, lost my ability to pursue the things I love, had my wife ask me to leave, and have had to relearn everything from how to walk to how I ride in a car, because of my constant pain. Isn't it natural that I would feel depressed?

How many others on this site fight with depression because of loneliness or isolation? Or because they feel so guilty for not being able to provide the things they feel they should provide. Or even because they just simply have no one to talk to who will really listen and care? Depression like that needs to be treated by altering one's outlook. By learning how to live again in spite of one's disability. People need something positive to happen in their lives, not a pill which will simply deaden their feelings.

It hasn't been easy, but I've been working hard to rebuild my life. There are times when I fail, or relapse into deep depression for a while, but all in all I am doing so much more than I did a few years ago. But I really believe that the most important way to get past the depression and back into life is to have a person to talk to who you know will honestly care, and who doesn't listen just to be polite. I'm lucky, I guess, because I've had a few friends like that. But not everyone does. And my heart goes out to all of them. Depression is a deep, dark dungeon, and there are many stairs which have to be climbed to reach the sunlight above. But the end is worth it. I just hope that anyone who is sitting at home right now, fighting back tears or feeling empty and lost, will think about this, and put on their boxing gloves. Life is for living, and it is worth living even if you are left with only half of the life you had. Forgive yourself for being ill. It's not your fault, but forgive yourself anyway if you feel guilty or full of blame. I really care about people who feel bad, and I don't make a difference for a toothache, a bad spine, or a deep depression. They all hurt just as bad in their own way.

So I just want all of you to know that I think about this, and you, all the time. I pray for those who feel so bad inside. And I send you all the good luck and very best wishes I can draw from inside me. Love yourself, because others love you, too.