[concerned lady]

The old link (not working now), of a very funny thread, was http://neuro-mancer.mgh.harvard.edu/...ML/000905.html

This "thread"/topic, used to be on the PN/peripheral neuropathy forum, back on Braintalk 1.

I'm going to slowly re-type selections from it, and put them here, piece by piece, from my paper copy I had made, and hope you all like it!
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legna (from New York), wrote on 07-22-2000, 11:39 PM:

Can we all relate to this or is it just me?

WHAT DOCTORS SAY / WHAT THEY'RE REALLY THINKING:

* "This should be taken care of right away."
(I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.)

* "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.)

* "Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

* "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
(I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time or I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.)

* "We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.)

* "Let's see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

* "Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.)

* "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
(He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

* "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
(I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

* "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

* "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I'm going to throw up.)

* "This may hurt a little."
(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

* "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
(I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

* "This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

* "Everything seems to be normal."
(Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)

* "I'd like to run some more tests."
(I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe that kid in the lab can solve this one.)

* "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me.)

* "There is a lot of that going around."
(My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.)

* "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.)
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eWOODY, from USA, posted this on 01-14-2001, at 12:15 PM

HANDY EXERCISES TO PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort".

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
---------------------

More, later.

Carol
http://cantbreathesuspectvcd.com

[concerned lady]

D. Bear (from Charlotte, NC), wrote on 7-27-02, at 3:59 PM:

A doctor is walking down the hospital hall and a nurse notices a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

"Doctor, look behind your ear"

"Thanks nurse, now I remember where I left my pen."

-----------------------------

Carol
http://cantbreathesuspectvcd.com

[jccgf]

Thank you, Carol!

Not only do I remember that thread, and it is a hoot!, but it reminds me of legna. Legna is the one who questioned why my daughter would show chronic gastritis on biopsy at age 15, and more importantly why the GI didn't care about it. She pointed me in the right direction of a great eMedicine article on gastritis, and she is also the one who made a post on PN about gluten ataxia that led me to make the gluten/neurologic connection. I miss her and would love to know how she is doing these days.

In any case, thanks for a trip down memory lane, and now I will have to go back and really read the thread!

There was another good one posted recently on PN, a medical intake form...lol.
http://forums.braintalk2.org/showthread.php?t=352


Cara

[annelb]

Originally Posted by concerned lady

D. Bear (from Charlotte, NC), wrote on 7-27-02, at 3:59 PM:

A doctor is walking down the hospital hall and a nurse notices a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

"Doctor, look behind your ear"

"Thanks nurse, now I remember where I left my pen."

-----------------------------

Carol
http://cantbreathesuspectvcd.com

Hmmmm - didn't know that doctors knew how to take temps
Anne

[KimS]

Holy Mackerel!! That thermometer one made my eyes water!!

Thanks Carol.

[concerned lady]

Hi Cara,

Thanks! Glad you liked that thread too. Hey, your joke is in there, too. More later. If you find a way to copy that whole post here, go for it!
---------------

Hi Anne,

Oh boy!- I guess they really don't! ;-)
----------------------

Hi Kim,

Yes, I've been chuckling re-reading these, and we all need laughter, to aide healing!
-----------------------

Anyone can add their own or borrowed jokes here, too. The original thread at BT 1, was called "Tired of Myself", by SHADI.

Carol
http://cantbreathesuspectvcd.com

[stevel]

A celiac walks into a MD's office .....
The Dr says "we have some good news and some bad news which do you want first?"
"Ahh..give me the good news says the celiac"
"OK, well the good news is your not a hypochondriac" says the MD...
"..and the bad news?" asks the celaic cautiously

"Ahh.. yes well it seems you were celaic after all and all those gluten challenges have damaged your intestines so bad they might never recover"

"Could be worse" says the celiac

"Ah.. did i mention your adrenal gland is failing and you also developed other autoimmune diseases in the meantime" asks the MD...


OK...perhaps this isn't really funny???


HANDY EXERCISES TO PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
Take a dressing gown that ties round the waist and put it on inside out and backwards so your exposing your *** before taking that trip to the mall and picking the kids up from kindergarden

Buy a small furry stuffed animal with one of those pull cords and 6 phrases and practice talking to it. Ask it questions like "will these tests proove conclusive?" and practice smiling at its random and totally unconnected response.

Remove the toilet seat and replace it with a small bedpan sized one just to practice.

Buy a dictaphone and record useful phrases like "No brushing the crumbs off doesn't work"

On the same dictaphone record some rhythmic beeps and practice sleeping to beep.....beep.......beep .... once you have mastered this practive waking up and calling for help when the beeps stop or become continuous....

Buy some graph paper and practice making maps by pacing.... its a useful skill to have to find your way back from Dept 234552 to Dept 445221 after you have just been drugged for a procedure and told to take the results to.....

[annelb]

I think this was on the OBT. Almost too true to be funny.
anne

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care


Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to
choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.
Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the
doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the
information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into
two categories--those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part
of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office
just a half day's drive away!

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need
the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave
me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he
can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really
perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the
$10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment
by then.