Got thru my b'day though 49 brought with it the reality of some day in the not too distant future being totally alone, mom turns 80 tomorrow & is in ill health - don't know what will happen to me when she passes.

Mom had a tile floor installed in my room on Saturday, easier with the walker & wheelchair. My service dog weighs 11 pounds & due to the fact I cannot always walk her she has been paper trained as an alternative. But after the new tile floor was put down Esperanza decided mom's living room rug made a better bathroom than her pad on the tile floor. Now mom won't let her out of my room unless I am taking her OUTSIDE she cannot go with me to the kitchen, dining room etc. She is very attached to me so I cannot leave her alone long without her barking.

I RARELY leave the house; no place to go & no money to get there, have not been out of the house since Monday. I have been trying to put things away that were moved to put the floor down. With mom's new rule concerning the dog Esperanza & I are basically in my room 24/7 (I leave occassionally for a few minutes at a time she never leaves). This is accomplishing NOTHING. Esperanza & I are just getting more & more depressed. I cry all the time. Esperanza no longer plays with her toys & once a loving cuddly dog she no longer wants me to love & hug her. She has gone from a fun dog that loved life no matter what to be as depressed as I am which is pretty bad. Esperanza has so often been my only reason for living I really do not want to give her up but told my mom tonight that after the holidays I am going to start talking to people I know & see if anyone can give her a good home. She is my life but it seems that love is not enough.

On top oof all of this found out I am losing my home care next week. YES I AM STILL ELIGIBLE BUT PEOPLE SUCK! Medicaid said they sent me a form which I did not receive they REFUSE to deal with my neurologist because his staff is IMPOSSIBLE. I won't make an appointment with him because his staff is IMPOSSIBLE (looking for a new neurologist). Another agency I deal with AGREED to call neurologist & try to intervene. The office told him that I WITHDREW MY RECORDS FROM THE OFFICE & FIRED THE NEUROLOGIST AS MY PHYSICIAN. I NEVER DID THIS! The last conversation I had with them I called on a Monday afternoon after the doctor left & wanted to leave a message. They REFUSED to take a message saying that I had to call back the next day JUST TO LEAVE A MESSAGE - I told them this was RIDICULOUS & in almost 50 years of seeing doctors NEVER heard of such a thing - have had NO CONTACT with doctor or office since. I called the office to find out what was going on they REFUSED to let me speak to the Office Manager or the doctor. My GP WILL fill out the paperwork BUT he needs the last paperwork (517) for home care & a blank form. Medicaid REFUSES to cooperate so that I can get these things BEFORE the date of service cut off December 16. Once my home care is DISCONTINUED it is a whole rigamorole to get it reinstated so I AM SCREWED!

Between being confined to my room, fear of aging, fear of losing my best friend (Esperanza) & now the home care/ neurologist mess & the MS getting worse seeming by the day I JUST CAN'T COPE.

How do you hold on when you feel there is no reason to hold on?