Kicker,

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of these circumstances, yet adding even more stress to yourself by spending valuable time worrying about the other shoe dropping, when there may only have been one shoe in the box.

I understand, appreciate, empathize, and sympathize with what you are experiencing. But ask yourself the question, "Is this the way I want to live?" Your points are valid and your questions are valid, but are they currently relative to making the best of your time now?

Over medication seems like a good idea, even for a short-term fix as I've been there and done that with the exact same results. Those results I have coined the phrase as a "Dyson" moments. (Dyson is the strongest vacuum cleaner on the market today, therefor it is at the top of the "sucking" food chain, right?)

We all play the "what if" game in our heads at different times, levels, and intensities so you are not alone there. It's at what point do WE choose to draw the line and stop giving the "what if" questions permission to have such power over our lives? I've tried to limit my "what if" days to maybe three or four a month. I realize they make to difference to me in reality, but it does actually feel better to recognize and experience it just to relieve that pressure. It and you are not "un-normal" as a result. It's just another facet of chronic illness we all must deal with on our own terms.

Kicker, you are a strong person, been around here helping other people for a long time. Keep having "what if" days, just consider limiting them to specific time periods and then forget about it. This is only my suggestion because I don't know if there really is a true answer to that part of our concerns from being chronically ill.