[AfterMyNap]

Asking for help.

We're all reluctant at some point in this life to seek help in doing certain tasks. With MS, that reluctance becomes profoundly obvious and grossly exaggerated to everyone around us. My defense is that if I can do something, then I want to do it— no matter how long it takes me.

In my experience it seems as if others believe that if I'm not doing something quickly enough, I'm not capable of doing it. What makes faster better? Has no one else heard the phrase, "Haste makes waste"? Try as I may, it's utterly impossible to convince others that I have reasons why I not only want to do it, but that I need to do it myself.

Case in point: I can't enumerate all the times when kindly friends and strangers have offered to help me assemble or disassemble my scooter in a parking lot. Many times I have tried to explain to them why it has to be done my way, and for that, I am mocked as OCD or a control freak. The simple reality in this is that to keep my balance, reduce stress, and save energy, each piece has to go in a certain place, a certain way during both operations. It is a necessary routine. I cannot "go over" to a misplaced piece and carry the 25lbs. back to where I need it! I do this myself dozens of times a week, why don't they trust me when I politely decline their help?

On my own, it's a 45-second operation, with "help" it's several minutes with multiple corrections (I can do it faster than I can explain how). Which would you choose!?!

Typically, I'm a very good sport but when my friends who know I want to do it myself stand there and scream at others, "Get out of her way! She doesn't want your help!" it rubs me the wrong way. Why not say, "Hey, stand back and watch this, it's a routine like a well-oiled machine," or "Let's time her and score the performance!" or something positive?

On the other side of the coin, when I do need or want help, I ask for it without hesitation and I am genuinely grateful for that help from others. Remarkably, no one has ever bombarded me with offers to come over and do my laundry or clean my house. No one has ever said, "Hey, I'll be glad to come change your sheets on Tuesdays." Hmmmmm.

I don't mean to offend, but sometimes this stuff offends me. It's not stubborness, it's clinging to every last drop of my waning independence.

Amen.

[Blessings2You]

I think you already know the answer to some of your questions. People have no way of knowing if you're struggling and thinking "Boy, I sure wish someone would offer to help" or whether you're hoping no one does. And it's the good side of humans that wants to help!

I've offered to help people in different situations, and sometimes they've almost snapped my head off. Well, excuuuuuse me for trying to be nice!

I have a friend who is blind. She HAS to do some things herself, such as put things away so that she can find them again. However, once she was being "independent" and trying to help me load the car after one of our little jaunts. She kept trying to put heavy stuff on top of my fragile stuff, etc., and I made her go away. We finally had a little talk. She was hurt because she wasn't "doing her share", but I finally said, "You're putting all the fragile stuff in first! You can't pack the car, and you can't drive either!" It was way better when we were honest with each other.

I don't know if my story has ANYTHING to do with yours, but there it is. If people mock you, it's probably because they feel rebuffed or else feel awkward watching you work (or they're idiots). Sounds like you just need to give them the Readers Digest condensed version of what you just told us.

Something like: "Boy, I wish I COULD let you help me, but if I don't put it together exactly the same way every time, it will self-destruct while I'm tooling down the highway." Well, maybe not that.




P.S. If somebody happened to be standing in your home on Tuesday watching you struggle to change your sheets, he/she would probably offer to help. They see you taking your scooter apart.

[ewizabeth]

I understand completely AMN! And you have a way with words, for example: At the get-together when DH wanted to leave early, right after lunch you looked at him and jokingly said, 'Don't be a piece of dry toast!' You could have said, 'Why do you want to ruin all the fun by leaving early, you party-pooper?'

But again, I know where you're coming from. If you can do something better for yourself and save energy doing so, then ok. People should understand.

Sometimes after a relapse, people won't let me lift anything but I have to insist that if I don't do some physical things, it isn't doing me any good. If I feel that I can't do it, I will ask for help! Or if I can't participate in something, I'll be sure to say so. I generally know my limitations.

[Riverwild]

I hope I was careful when we met.

I sure tried not to hold the elevator, pour drinks for anyone else, wipe up the Great Drink Spill or do anything other than guard the food and help drink the drinks poured...

I am starting to get this from the youngsters in my family now. It hurts in one way, I am grateful that they care enough to even offer in another way, and in a way it makes me proud that they even offer. I tell them that when I need them they can be sure I will be calling them daily to come and wipe my butt.

Funny thing? They DO back off after that one!

[yeahbut]

Originally Posted by ewizabeth

I understand completely AMN! And you have a way with words, for example: At the get-together when DH wanted to leave early, right after lunch you looked at him and jokingly said, 'Don't be a piece of dry toast!' You could have said, 'Why do you want to ruin all the fun by leaving early, you party-pooper?'

I remember that....!

[AfterMyNap]

LOL, sometimes when people just say the generic, "Can I help you with anything?" I say, "Sure! Can you carry me?" We all laugh and I'm on my way.

B2, I do recognize the generosity and I do politely decline but I never stop wondering when determination and independence became my negative attributes.

And, for the record, my friends have helped me a great many times. I do not take them for granted, but, dangit, where are those sots on Tuesday??

[AfterMyNap]

Originally Posted by Riverwild

I hope I was careful when we met.

I sure tried not to hold the elevator, pour drinks for anyone else, wipe up the Great Drink Spill or do anything other than guard the food and help drink the drinks poured...

And NOBODY does it better!!!

[Blessings2You]

Are determination and independence negative attributes? Hmmm. Let me analyze that for a few minutes. (assumes thoughtful position)

[Vonn07]

AMN .. may I squeeze in here too??

I'm not where you are, but physically (according to my doctor yesterday) I'm getting weaker on my left side than where I was 6-10 months ago ... and I explained to her that YES, I'm learning to listen to my body on what I can and can't do ...

when I'm out and about - even with friends that know my dx ... they really exclaim "YOU really look good tho!" ... I cringe - I don't (never did) consider myself a good-looking person in any degree (serverely ingrained by my dad while growing up) ... so, now when they say this - I jokingly say to them 'well, thanks - but if you could SEE how and what I'm feeling right now...you'd be running in the other direction and calling MIB!' ...

I've learned to stay home - work on projects and online courses to keep me inspired to reach out to others ... and I'm okay with this ... MS has been good to me - because now I have a doctor's excuse to stay home and work on things that bring me joy .. and not stress!!

thanks for letting me share!!

(sorry ... can't help with the mattress/sheet syndrome you are facing!)

[SandyC]

Well, let me just say that if any of you meet me I will probably try to help in some way like opening a door or something. It's my nature and I can't help it. But, I am never overbearing and always respectful of independence. Jim taught me well.