[debryan1952]

We have an adult son (33) who is diagnosed with bipolar 2 and alcoholism. We have tried to help him for the past 10 years. Paid for groceries, car payments, insurance etc. His wife and 2 daughters of 13 years just left about 60 days ago and we have everything dropped in our lap. We paid for a year long treatment program for him but when he got there ( we took him) he freaked out and asked for medical attention so they took him to a psy ward. He was there for 7 days and they changed his medicine (again) and now he takes lexapro & seroquel. He had had at least 6 different psychiatrists, been on all sorts of different meds but drinks while taking meds. We are worn out. The straw that broke the camels back was he refuses to go back to treatment. He says he's ready to go back to work ( this has happened over & over) He can't work for more that a few months at a time. He is losing his house on May 4th due to lack of payments. I need help knowing how to keep dealing with this. My husband and I have pretty much decided to let him become homeless - we hope if he hits bottom he will go back for treatment. He has no TV, computer or any money. Just a couch in this house that he will soon be losing. We keep helping but it doesn't really help. I need help !! Any suggestions ???

[Blessings2You]

Hi, and welcome. I wish I had some words of wisdom...my heart goes out to you. It sounds as though you've done everything you could possibly do, and that you've decided on "tough love". It sounds right to me, but who am I? Have you been to any kind of family counseling?

Someone here will certainly have some experience with this type of thing, and you'll get some replies and support. There are no easy answers for your situation. You will be in my prayers.

[Idealist]

Hi, DeBryan! Wow! You've hit on two subjects which have been very powerful in my own life. My adult son has mental issues, too, and we are going through the same process with him, although he is only 20 and not yet married. If he's drinking a lot along with the pills, the best thing I've seen so far is possibly an in-house support program. We tried a halfway-house, which seemed to do very well at first, except it was poorly run, and I ended up pulling him out because he was sleeping on a wooden slab in a tiny shed with no heat or water, with temps. in the teens. Still, a good program provides stability, regimentation, and compulsive counseling, with the ultimate goal of getting the person back to a normal, working dynamic, and then a regular follow-up monitoring system. I know how your son feels, too, though. I've been chronically ill for seven years, and three times I've gone off all of my meds with the goal of going back to work, with the same results as he has had. I could never maintain for longer than a month or two without the pain disabling me again. Except the problem with me is that I take narcotics, which bars you from most employment these days. I sure hope your son finds his balance, but I understand exactly how you feel, too. My son is close to becoming homeless as well, for the very same reasons. And now he's facing larceny charges for stealing food, too. We have never denied him food. If you would like to chat about your son, or exchange notes of comparison, maybe we both could shed some light on our similar experiences. I am also posting a link to our Bi-Polar Forum below. Good luck with your son!

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum38.html

[DonaldMParker]

Hey debryan1952,

After many years of alcohol and drug abuse, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar 20 years ago, and, along with getting clean and sober, proper therapy and commitment to my medication regime, I've had a very stable couple of decades. My TBI 8 years ago is a separate issue.

I spent over 18 of my sober years as a drug prevention educator for youth and an alcohol awareness speaker for colleges. I will share some insight with you.

First off, I would suggest exploring the term: "Enabler" using the internet to find appropriate material to study. Realizing the part an enabler plays in the addict's life, is the first stage in removing guilt from the equation, for you.

I would like to share with you a concept I taught in a workshop many years ago now. It is the model of The Drama Triangle. For any drama to perpetuate, there must be three main characters: The Victim, The Persecutor, The Rescuer.

For an alcoholic or drug addict, they are playing the starring role of Victim. They also flit back and forth, persecuting others who try to help, and rescuing everyone with new platitudes or promises to get it together, this time will be different.

The Rescuer does everything in their power to fix the situation. They help to the point of total frustration. They end up also playing the victim, while the alcoholic temporarily takes on the role of persecutor.

The Persecutor is the cop, the banker, the treatment center, the wife, and everyone else who the victim thinks is screwing them.

For you, the rescuer, to get out of this drama created by the victim or addict, you must refuse to play the game anymore. That means dropping the script. Even if you have to say out loud, "I am not going to play this game anymore, and will not rescue you. I choose not be victimized by this unacceptable behavior. I will not play policeman trying to put your life in order for you. It is time you take 100% responsibility for your life!"

Because you refuse to play the game, and consciously step OUT of the drama triangle, the addict or Victim, will most likely try to persecute you, blaming you for their lot in life and other distasteful words. Allow them to vent as necessary. Do not try to rescue at this delicate time. Avoid laying into the addict with a really "heavy" session of release; merely state the facts calmly, gently, and with compassion.

There will be a shift in the alcoholic. They will do 1 of 2 things. First, they may start to see the light and decide to begin taking 100% responsibility for their lives. Second, and quite likely in many cases, they will find others to rescue them, or persecute them. The need to carry around scripts is vital to their identity at this time, and they will start handing out those scripts to any willing players.

When you bring "the game" out in the open, using the terminology I've described, it can be a very powerful opportunity for change. Of course this does not mean that you stop loving the addict, or stop feeling compassion; it just means that you step out of the Drama Triangle. This will allow you to see the situation anew and create new healthy boundaries, in case the individual decides to begin taking responsibility. Blessings2You had a great idea for family counseling, if the addict is willing. This brings a professional into the mix. And the professional will not put up with games.

I have retired from addiction education. I just felt compelled to share some insight with you here, in the hopes that you find the data useful.

Be well,

Don

[debryan1952]

Originally Posted by DonaldMParker

Hey debryan1952,

After many years of alcohol and drug abuse, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar 20 years ago, and, along with getting clean and sober, proper therapy and commitment to my medication regime, I've had a very stable couple of decades. My TBI 8 years ago is a separate issue.

I spent over 18 of my sober years as a drug prevention educator for youth and an alcohol awareness speaker for colleges. I will share some insight with you.

First off, I would suggest exploring the term: "Enabler" using the internet to find appropriate material to study. Realizing the part an enabler plays in the addict's life, is the first stage in removing guilt from the equation, for you.

I would like to share with you a concept I taught in a workshop many years ago now. It is the model of The Drama Triangle. For any drama to perpetuate, there must be three main characters: The Victim, The Persecutor, The Rescuer.

For an alcoholic or drug addict, they are playing the starring role of Victim. They also flit back and forth, persecuting others who try to help, and rescuing everyone with new platitudes or promises to get it together, this time will be different.

The Rescuer does everything in their power to fix the situation. They help to the point of total frustration. They end up also playing the victim, while the alcoholic temporarily takes on the role of persecutor.

The Persecutor is the cop, the banker, the treatment center, the wife, and everyone else who the victim thinks is screwing them.

For you, the rescuer, to get out of this drama created by the victim or addict, you must refuse to play the game anymore. That means dropping the script. Even if you have to say out loud, "I am not going to play this game anymore, and will not rescue you. I choose not be victimized by this unacceptable behavior. I will not play policeman trying to put your life in order for you. It is time you take 100% responsibility for your life!"

Because you refuse to play the game, and consciously step OUT of the drama triangle, the addict or Victim, will most likely try to persecute you, blaming you for their lot in life and other distasteful words. Allow them to vent as necessary. Do not try to rescue at this delicate time. Avoid laying into the addict with a really "heavy" session of release; merely state the facts calmly, gently, and with compassion.

There will be a shift in the alcoholic. They will do 1 of 2 things. First, they may start to see the light and decide to begin taking 100% responsibility for their lives. Second, and quite likely in many cases, they will find others to rescue them, or persecute them. The need to carry around scripts is vital to their identity at this time, and they will start handing out those scripts to any willing players.

When you bring "the game" out in the open, using the terminology I've described, it can be a very powerful opportunity for change. Of course this does not mean that you stop loving the addict, or stop feeling compassion; it just means that you step out of the Drama Triangle. This will allow you to see the situation anew and create new healthy boundaries, in case the individual decides to begin taking responsibility. Blessings2You had a great idea for family counseling, if the addict is willing. This brings a professional into the mix. And the professional will not put up with games.

I have retired from addiction education. I just felt compelled to share some insight with you here, in the hopes that you find the data useful.

Be well,

Don

Thank you Don for the insightful information. It really helped me look at the problem and identify our part in it. We did pay for him to go to a rehab but when he got there he claimed he was hearing voices and started freaking out. He then asked for medical attention. They told us they could not refurse someone medical attention when they were asking for it so off he went to a psy ward. It was a year long rehab so I really think it might have helped him get himself back together. Thank you again for the information

[DonaldMParker]

Originally Posted by debryan1952

Thank you Don for the insightful information. It really helped me look at the problem and identify our part in it. We did pay for him to go to a rehab but when he got there he claimed he was hearing voices and started freaking out. He then asked for medical attention. They told us they could not refurse someone medical attention when they were asking for it so off he went to a psy ward. It was a year long rehab so I really think it might have helped him get himself back together. Thank you again for the information

Hi debryan1952,

I'm glad the Drama Triangle concept was useful. By the way, arranging for treatment is an action that puts you outside the drama triangle. You are not acting as a rescuer when you support someone to take 100% responsibility for their life. Paying for treatment is tantamount to saying, "The game is up!"

For instance, if someone were in a car accident, the paramedics are not "rescuers" in the Drama Triangle scenario.

Mental illness AND addiction is very common. I've battled the two at once, and although it's tough, it is possible with the right support.

Don

[FranksAngel]

welcome to neurotalk ... there are lots of friendly and supportive people here... i see you have been given a good starting point so jump right in and start posting ... should you need help, don't hesitate to ask someone ... we are here to help

[(Broken Wings)]

Hi, and Welcome to NT

There's lots of friendly people who have to same issues with their loved ones. It's hard to deal with. My prayers go out to you all.

There's power in numbers.

[DM]

Hello and Welcome to NeuroTalk. I really feel for you and your family. I can't imagine how very hard this has been on you. I'm glad Idealist posted; he's a valued and wise member and by his opening up w/his own experience; you know thar your'e not alone in your troubles.

Please know that we are glad you found us and hope your DS can see the way to accept the help he needs.

Take care and keep us posted.

[Grizabella]

You're doing the very best thing by NOT doing anything more for him. I've been sober almost 24 years now, but I couldn't realize I was an alcoholic till I didn' t have anyone or anything left. I had to hit bottom----and hit it hard----before it gots my attention that I really did have a problem. All the people in recovery that I know had to do the same thing.

Take care of you. And check out Al-Anon. It will help you learn how to take care of yourself instead of trying to take care of your son. You're loving him to death quite literally if you keep picking up the pieces and trying to help him. If an alcoholic doesn't get sober, they're going to die, so if you keep helping, you're actually helping him die. It's very hard to practice tough love. I know because I have addicted kids and I lost my husband to a relapse with heroin almost 9 years ago.

I'll keep you and your son in my prayers. I know how you feel because I've been there. Just take it one day at a time and educate yourself about alcoholism. The internet is a great resource. And I can't urge you strongly enough to check out Al-Anon. It's a wonderful support system.