This was on my hard drive when I changed computers. Mustabeen magic. This is from five years ago. Enjoy and add your own.

Author Topic: Horse walks into a bar...
Old brain?Member
?
bartender says: Why the long face?


moose53?Member
...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

Scientist Bill?Member
Panda walks into a bar and orders a meal.?Finishes the meal, pulls out a gun, fires into the air, and walks out. As he is about to leave, the bartender shouts at him: "What was that all about?!". Panda turns and says: "Look it up." Bartender races to the dictionary and looks up Panda, and finds:
"Black and white bear indigenous to China. Eats shoots and leaves."



Giraffe?Member
A man and his giraffe friend go into a pub, and walk up to the bar.
The man orders a pint of beer for himself and a root beer for the giraffe. The man drinks his beer socialising a bit and the giraffe knocks down the root beer.
The evening still being young, the man orders another pint for himself and a double root beer for the giraffe.
The giraffe knocks back the double suds and waits for the man to rather more slowly finish his pint.
The evening is wearing on and it's a long walk home, so the man orders a half pint of beer and a quadruple root beer for the giraffe. Playing darts now, The giraffe downs the root beer and the man drinks his beer.
One for the road the man says, another pint for me and a BIG root beer for the giraffe please.
Drinking the final root beer.....Urp.....
The giraffe feels full & tired, & starts to sway.
Swaying left, then right....the giraffe suddenly hits the floor, nose first.
The man bids all goodnight and puts on his hat and coat and makes his way to the door. At which point the barman says, "Hey you can't leave that lyin' there!"
"Don't be Weeee-diculous" says the man, "thats not a lion.....
........its a giraffe" ?
LOLOLOLOLOL.........
I amuse myself, I really do.


DiannaDL?Member
This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.
Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, "I told you duck, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!"
The duck looked startled and leaves.
Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"


MikeBCda?Member
OMG, look -- it's Son of Comic Relief. ?
Back to topic ...
This termite walks/flies/whatever into a bar and finds a comfy stool. Says to the fellow on the next stool, "Where's the bar tender?"

Giraffe?Member
A cowboy walks into a bar...... ?
.... with 2 steer.......
The bartender tells him there are NO animals allowed in the bar, so the cowboy leaves and goes down the street to buy his beer.
after drinking three or four, he forgets the animal rule....
and heads back to the bar.
The bartender yells across the room:
"Hey, I told you there are NO animals allowed in this bar."
Meanwhile the steer are tripping over the chairs, so the bartender starts shooing them out with his apron....
"SHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO"........
"GIT"
"Move out.....Get along little doggie".......
The cowboy......totally cornfused by now....
Leaves and comes back with a dachschund. ?
Get it.....???
Get a long little doggie.......
Giraffe......off to do chores cause I obviously have waay too much time on my hands today.

Female Hank?Member
Giraffe,?I thought it said shooting them with the apron. My husband wanted to know if it was semi-automatic or revolver.

DiannaDL?Member
This one's hilarious!

tlb?Member
Two guys walk into a bar..........
the third guy ducks.
Teresa

Rabbit?Member
Piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender stares at him, then says, "We don't serve string here!" The string leaves. Next day the string comes back again and orders a drink. Again, the bartender tells him in no uncertain terms that they don't serve string. String leaves, cuts off one of his ends and kind of fluffs it up. Then he gets one of his friends to twist him all up. He returns to the bar and orders a drink. "Hey, aren't you the same string I talked to about this already??" the bartender says angrily. "no," the string replies, " I afraid not".?[a frayed knot, get it????]
Rabbit

DiannaDL?Member
Mike.. re-read that.. finally kicked in.. that's hilarious.
And.. it only took.. what? a few days?

DiannaDL?Member
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."


DiannaDL?Member
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...

DiannaDL?Member
Finally.. the one I was looking for:
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

DiannaDL?Member
This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."

moose53?Member
A snake walks into a bar and says, "Bring me a martini". The bartender replies, "No way pal, you can't hold your liquor"


cathie0?Member

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but it's uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."


Poe forevermore?Member
A set of Jumper cables went into a bar. The bartender said, You got to leave! The cables asked, Why? The bartender said, I'm afraid you're going to start something!


kw swim?Member
What is the best way to get a texas gradurate off your porch? pay for the pizza go OU


Erin P?New Member

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm. He sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him.
The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."?The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the bartender.
"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?"
"Ruff!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender.
"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and into the street.
Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"


Tomsmum!?Member
A man walks into a bar. He sees two lumps of beef stuck to the ceiling..?He asks the barman "what in gods name are they doing up there?"?Barman says, if you can guess the weight of the beef, you get free beers all night..."?"no thanks" says the man "the steaks are too high...."

moose53
...a man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!". ?Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips ?later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over.,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," ?he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." ?"It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. ?"Say what?" ?"You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts...they're complimentary."


cathie0
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."


DiannaDL
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"


jEdi?
Horse walks into a bar; bartender says, "why the long face??"
Horse slams his "shoe" down on the bar and yells,
"lookiiit hereeaaaah, daaaanmaaaat....can't you see dat thiiiis joke was told on the very fiiiiirst paaage as the fiiiiirst jooooke under this thread heeereeh??? Ah don't care toooo beeee the butttt of a joooke twice in a roooow...especially when iiiit invooolves my faaace..." (heavy horsey breathing and sighs)
The bartender turns to look at the director and ?
The director said to his crew,
"take this horse out,shoot him, and make dogfood out of him; bring in the donkey instead...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A donkey walks into a bar...

jEdi
A horse with short face walks into a bar...
Bartender says, "why the long..." he pauses himself, throws his arms up in the air...and looks at the MGH audience and sighs, " I just can't do this...it's got a short face for Pete's sake!!"
~~~~~~~~
The donkey ONCE again walks into the bar...


Lil E
A man walks into a bar....Ouch!


DiannaDL
The director says cut! Give me a freakin break.. does this man look like a horse? MAKEUP!!!
Meanwhile animal right's protesters are protesting right outside the studio. Arguing that is very unfair to make animals the butt of jokes and humiliate them this way.
They appeal to the Management of Directors also know as MODS and argue their case in a neutral setting so each side can contribute feedback...


DiannaDL
A man now dressed like a horse who has been the stand-in, understudy horse walks into a bar but gets shooed out because of the cleanliness in pubs act 7 subsection 4 paragraph a, 1967. CUT, CUT, CUT yells the director.
The director sends everyone home for the day and walks up to the bar himself.. basically to get totally drunk and take on the MODS himself...


DiannaDL
And the bartender says, "Hey buddy. Why the long face?"


Giraffe
Meanwhile animal right's protesters are protesting right outside the studio. Arguing that is very unfair to make animals the butt of jokes and humiliate them this way.
?
We interrupt this Joke Thread to bring you a news flash from CNN:
.....This just in from da Savanna:
.....word has spread across the grasslands about the demonstration outside a Bar in Boston.......
A busy bar, by the way.......where the Webmaster and moderators of MGH are holed up in hiding from the growing controversey.
As the small band of animals march outside in protest.........
The hundredth monkey makes dang sure eberybuddy else hears about it, too.....
......so the whole dang animal kingdom gets out their placards and puts on their tennies.
(Carrying my sign here, Dianna)
I agree..........there are just waaay too many jokes about animals at the expense of their butts. ?
As a matter of fact.....if it wuz not for da animals around here, it would be total anarchy as far as I can see......
and besides......we would have a berry boring place altogether if it wuz not for da animals around here...
animals like me....an duckie.......an' froggie.........an' Mr. Elephant......an' da long faced horsie.....
And......Wewl.....
ALL of us.
I protest~!!!
Hup...2.......3......4
To the rear.......2........3.....4
Past the creek....2.....3..........4
(Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....ABOUT FACE~!....)
To da Bonfire......2.....3........4
Kick up da heels.........2......3......4
An' Drink a rooot beer....2........3........4
5.............6.........7.............8
Fossie fossie one
Fossie Fossie two
Boom shaka laka laka
Boom shaka laka laka
boogie woogie in da jungle
On your toesies....we will rumble....
Rockette Formation and KICK... ?
2......3.........4....
......and.......uh....
SMILE~! ?
Yeah, dat's it.
(Carry on....) ?



DiannaDLAnd the director looks around and says "Oy vey!"


Kathrinethat's telling 'em Raffie!
?


cathie0
<<breaking out bell bottoms, tie died shirt, love beads and peace symbol necklace (uhhhh Mercedes Benz hood ornament)...starts writing on blank placard...
"F"?"R"?"E"?"E"
"T"?"H"?"E"
"M"?"G"?"H"
"3"
Takes up place in line behind the baboons...picks up marching rhythm, weaves deftly through assorted droppings (used to be in marching band...behind the horses in EVERY parade)>>
"SAVANNA SOLIDARITY!!!!"


DiannaDL
The protest is getting out hand!
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a the protestors and the bar, bumping into people and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. On of the MODS comes out of the bar set and stops the guy.
"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.?"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.?"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".

JLW
Your "hup-2-3-4" bit was soooooooo funny!
I could almost hear the marching footsteps in my head as I read it. Thanks for the Friday night giggle!

Chris Too
ok, giraffe, you and your savannah companions has to join the protestors (pardon me) activists union. pick up your flower wreaths right over here and line up behind the bull with the bull horns. jest watch us flower chiles from san francisco as we circle around and around with flowers in our hair. da animals don't get to smoke. anything.


Giraffe
Takes up place in line behind the babboons...picks up marching rhythm, weaves deftly through assorted droppings
?
Sweep.....sweep....
sweeeeeeeeep..........sweeep....
Sweeeeep.....sweep...
Serves me right for startin' trouble. ?


Kathrine?
Originally posted by Chris Too:?da animals don't get to smoke. anything.
?
LOL ?


DiannaDL
The MODS clearly yells to the crowd and warn everyone that they agreed to a TOS contract and should that be broken, severe penalties will be enforced.
And get that drunken cop outta here!!


jEdi
So, after a long day of protests around the savannah, the animals were really tired and THIRSTY....
So, the menagerie walks into a bar and the barkeep with a smirk on his face asks:
"hey, elephant, why the long nose; Giraffe, why the long neck; Froggie, why the long tongue; Plucky ducky, why the long bill; and you, Mr. horse, why the looong face??" ?
?The animals all glare at the barkeep with fire in their eyes ready to start a mêlée when Giraffe noticed that the barkeep has LONG fingers.
Now with a smirk on her face, she asks the barkeep:
"hey you, the one that supplies guest services, why the LOOOONG FINGERS?? Hmmmmm?? Better to pick your nose with??" ?
all the animals burst out laughing....
When the laughters FINALLY subsided and faded, the barkeep polishing and blowing his shot glasses without even trading a glance with the animals now all holding their stomachs from laughter very calmly answers:
"no, I am an animal proctologist by day...."
Never has the barkeep seen a group of animals storming out the door as fast as this motley group...


Alffe1
LOLOLOLOL!


DiannaDL
?
Wellsh, wellsh. Gllladdd THaA0ATssSh overrr saiiyys tfhe drunken director.
Evbverrwon baaacc to wwoouurk!


Old brain
Horse says: I just walked into a bar what do you expect.
Give me an applejack
Bartender says: How did you know my name was Jack
Horse sense
but, we don't take that kind of money have an apple for free.
Horse clomps it out 1, 2, 3 and says thanks here's to ya


Giraffe?
"no, I am an animal proctologist by day...."
?
?
Good thing I eat a lotta leaves......
NO problems here.......
Not me.......
C-Ya...... ?



Old brain
Bartender clomps his hoof two times and says yep all kinds in the horses bar tonight here's two ya.


Old brain
Ok give me another and I'll tell you why the long face.
Thanks I needed that I was a little horse
just before I walked into a bar a man outside said that he had a bigger (wispers horsely in the bartenders ear) Well I never laughed so hard.
then he showed me


DiannaDL

what stupid bar joke they were going to try and pull next since it's Halloween..
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light!"



Kathrinequote:
?
Originally posted by jEdi:?Plucky ducky, why the long bill;
?
he musta drank alot


Spanish Moss
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and ?bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender ?asked. ?"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. ?"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. ?"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. ?"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll ?be two bloods and a blood light?"


pegleg2
Ahhhhhhh . . . how refreshing! A thread that isn't about meds, dreads, or heads!!! ?
In keeping with the original "Long-faced horse joke", you guys have just gotta enjoy this! (It's from my friend, Jaye, from the Parkinson's forum)
Click on each horse to hear its sound.?
?LOL ?Thanks again for the relief, Old Brain!?Peggy


sanity
Thanks for sharing that Peggy - so cute ?- sure brought a much-needed smile to my face. *chuckle.


Poe forevermore
That is so cute Peggy!
Is it just me Folks or is that horse on the right saying, "Who's your Mama"???


pegleg2
Poe! I think you're right! LOL
(BTW it took me a while to figure out that if you click a horse the second time, it stops singing! (Duh - I'm slow)
Peg ?

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

paula

That is so funny and so sad poor Kerry she had such a sense of humor.

oh dear is Kerry giraffe? had a sense of humor?


paula

Well Thelma may not see this to answer. So I don't know if Kerry is giraffe and/or if something happened. I have read Giraffe enough since I first came here in 2000 to know she definitely had a sense of humor. How do you be a giraffe and not have a sense of humor? Take a minute and think about that [stretch your neck a bit whlle you are at it, what the heck]

Curious, you might know something and be able to relate -maybe? I'd say you are the one to ask, being a monkey and familiar with Giraffe perhaps?

We have been very good pwps and done a lot of homework, etc etc, But we also know each other well enough to REELAX,- great runway song for the Magnum look.

I suggest we continue the thread as it started, and dedicate it to Kerry, whomever she may be. It's much more respectful to do that I think.

If you don't understand someone's humor, just ask..we used to "cut each other up" in high school and college...now it's probably called something that has two words, the first one starting with an "f"

Mean is not acceptable.

put an ipod on.

10-4
let's lighten up

Instead of a joke, I''m going to tell you why I strongly recommend some funny stuff. I'll bullitt it for those of you who just can't relate to this:

• It's fun
• We always used to. There is an astonishing lack of relaxation in this forum.
• We know each other well enough now. How many are as surprised as I was that CS supported Keith? lol
• Truth is, Keith, you were giving a good argument. And I trust you somewhat more now because you aren't angry all the time. Now if i could talk you into releasing the bold font, you just might find it more relaxed in here too. Try Keith, without any last name. Think of it as changing your hair style or getting a hair cut. My my I am bossy.
• Rick, you took some hits, I completely understand you, even if i don't always think the idea is worth the time.
• There are some really funny people in here.
• Ok ,so who walks into the bar next?

Wanted to add; I'm not suggesting that we cut each other up. That sounds misleading. Jokes are safe. No rush i'm going to sleep - tired from just suggesting it....lol
paula
necks should be straight up

paula...i haven't read the thread( just started skimming)...just your post so far...but yes..kerry..is giraffe..or sometimes known as waffy.

but...i will say the thread is going to need some editing. sorry...but we dont' have the right to post some of the info that is posted from another forum.( it was joining info...like where they live that was posted....that is all i edited out.)