[LizaJane]

I thought this might be a good topic for us to wrap ourselves around at our leisure, if we find we have too much of it over the long weekend.

Some of us are single/divorced/separated/widowed; some married; some living with children or parents.

Do we all have that significant other that came up in the "got hit over the head" thread, called by the boys, "wingman".

Because I do NOT have a wingman, or a SO to rely on, and I think, even having one, there are constant issues about what we are entitled to ask, when we've asked too much, when we've shrunken back from asking for what we need,, or feel trapped into not asking. And there are times when giving is effortless, almost transcendant, and times when we feel so spent, so used up,that there's not a breath to give.

I heard, in my mind's eye, when Billye was in the hospital and telling me she missed the board, I heard her needing to "ask" her husband for what she needed, and could feel her reticence to ask for anything extra from a man who was clearly taking care of a lot of things for her and being there for her in whatever way he knew.

Maybe she needed to ask, or maybe, maybe, she needed to demand.

But she was silent, because she was so incredibly sick.

I met a gentleman who has a motorcycle, and a couple of months ago he took me for a brief ride. It was magnificent. Forget that it's a crazy dangerous piece of machinery--I did not hurt sitting on the back seat. I was able to sit on it and lean forward and relax into just the right position for my back to be comfortable. I stayed on it for about 30 minutes and felt, well, young and healthy and a little bit wild.

So he offered to take me on a special ride this memorial day weekend--a Ride To the Wall--an event called Rolling Thunder---all veterans with motorcycles to ride in huge mass to the memorials in Washington DC. It seemed possible when we talked about it two months ago.

But you've all been reading what I've been going through. Obviously, it didn't seem particularly possible at this point. Well, I put off telling him that I needed to NOT go, ask if it were the same sort of "ask" as being asked for a gift. Because it was so important to him, asking him to give up his ride to be with me, or be alone, was a huge ask, and I needed support behind me to get myself strong enough to demand it. No ride for LizaJane. He was fine with that, and said he was surprised I'd not realized earlier that I can't handle it. I queried him: if you knew I couldn't handle it while I was acting like I could, why didn't you just point it out and say, Look, it seems like you're in way too much pain for the Ride, why dont we just go to the beach?

And his answer, like that of many men I can imagine in the same position, his answer--it seemed presumptuous to tell you what you could or could not do. So I figured the right thing to do was to let you decide. I didn't want to insult you or pressure you by telling you what I was seeing.

Maybe I'm a fool here, but I think this a problem we all face in various ways much of the time.

Any stories/feelings whatever to share along these lines?

[MelodyL]

"it seemed presumptuous to tell you what you could or could not do. So I figured the right thing to do was to let you decide. I didn't want to insult you or pressure you by telling you what I was seeing"

You can look at this one of two ways!!! He's either clueless as a toad OR, (and I prefer this one). He's very empathetic and very clued in to a woman's need to be independent. Believe me, not many men have this ability (I'm not man badgering now), but at my age, you KNOW STUFF!!! And boy do I know stuff!!!

Years and years ago, I had a SO that was physically abusive. I was only 24 and didn't KNOW. I just assumed that because he told me what to do, that meant he cared!!!!! Now how silly we are when we don't know any better.

Some people are just more intuitive than others. It's a rare find to find that SO or even to find a special friend that respects your judgement and also respects how you wish things to proceed.

Sounds like a keeper to me!!! And in this day and age, well, that is a GOOD THING!!!

[daniella]

Well before this I have been in therapy for 12 years and I'm 28 so basically my adult life. I have really worked on using my voice and expressing my feelings. There is no right or wrong to feelings there yours and you have a right to feel them. I think for myself when asking for help I have to remind myself that everyone at times needs more support and that is ok and I would do it for someone else. Its the strong person who knows there limits and when needs more asks for it. I think Billye post for me brought up a feeling that is sometimes hard to feel for one self and that is deserving help or things. I can tell in her post she is a care taker and there for others but what about herself. I know if may of us took care of our own needs as we did for others we would be much healthier mental and physical wise.Regardless I think if you hide your feelings,wants,issues it will eat at you and make one feel less then adequate.Its getting past the fear and you can do it but have to face it.

[Dakota]

For me (married 34 yeears), it would be damaging for me to hide my feelings -- it would cause us to grow apart. But I try to find a way to talk about them that will have a positive outcome -- not make my husband defensive or angry or hurt. And I work at keeping alllines of communication open, not just talking about my feelings, but asking him about his. Our relationship has changed due to the PN, and I know that even though he knows it is not my fault, he sometimes gets angry about what has happened to us, because it has happened to us, not just me. I know I sometimes over burden him because he is so nice to fetch things for me and do things for me. I try to "pay him back" in other ways, being supportive of his emotional needs. Of course, 34 years of intimacy gives you a lot of knowledge of what the other needs. We all have our weaknesses and strengths, and although I have PN, I still have a lot of my strengths. One of them is that I never expect him to read my mind! I always ask for what I need. Sometimes the answer is no, and I live with that, but usually it is yes. I did pick a good husband! He's a peach! He has polycystic kidney disease, so sometime in the future, I may be caring for him. I hope I can be as caring for him as he has been for me.

[Dakota]

Oooops! All of that underlining was a mistake! I am techno challenged.

[dahlek]

meshing what you want, need and feel to their wants, needs, and feelings... We mean well, and at times it's not always taken well. What we with more severe PN and many of the 'issues' that come along with it or because of it, we have to admit, and speak up about...and maybe learn to ARTICULATE better are the distinctions between in most cases what we WANT to do, as opposed to what we CAN do.

I've had to turn down lots of possible adventures with a friend [serious cancer issues] I dearly love - a person who enjoys the NOW and really makes PLANS for the future while beating relapses and new wrinkles. I tell her to take LOTS of pictures...and share them w/me. She gets to relate her adventures, and I get to experience them as well, thru her eyes.

One thing I've done, for years, that may sound strange....folks go places and ask 'Can I get you something...a present, maybe?' I ask for rocks or pebbles ...I have rocks from all over europe, the US, Australia, you name it. These aren't big rocks - but a piece of a place and an experience of just a friend getting me a rock and remembering to do so. The stories I hear about getting THAT rock, where, when, and-at times-the 'Looks' they get going thru customs are priceless-I am travelling with them in the process. Why did I pick ROCKS, you ask? They are cheap, small, portable and aside from airport twidgies' sideways looks, harmless and kind of fun. Those rocks are a sign of friendship.

Thing is, friends are like those rocks, in that they are more than just a symbol of caring and sharing...They are rocks that are the foundations of friendships.

To me, IMHO, it sounds like you mite have gotten a ROCK! Living here, Rolling Thunder is a very important event. Having lived here during the late 60's onward and the building of The Wall. And, then all after that. I know far too much of what it is about. That you have a guy who's knowing of your pain and changing how he deals with what's likely some of his pain...well, that all is one very special thing to have and share. Talk as best you can about things when you can and how you can. Sometimes it's not the words of the talk, but the sharing of the emotions behind all that talk that is important.

Think of it this way, you could have a SO or DH and been together, yet, apart for years...Make every moment, especially the good ones count, then, like gardening...cultivate some more...just needs a little tending!

Hugs to you and your SO, and to all this weekend - WHO's GOT some wild parties planned? I wanna hear about stuff that'll make me laugh so hard I'll have tears! GOT IT? - j