I've been where you are. I understand not wanting to take meds, but if you are contemplating suicide, you will need more help than willpower. I took Zoloft and Clonazepam for about 4 yrs until I figured out how to adapt to all the changes. I'm pretty sure they saved my life. I knew that benzodiazepines were addictive, but my anxiety was at a dangerous level. I wasn't sleeping or eating. I get the idea this is you right now. Counseling is very helpful with the right person. I suggest someone who deals with chronic disease and anxiety. Counselors are like antidepressants-you may need to try more than one.

Everyone is different in how they respond to antidepressants. Nortriptyline is an old tricyclic antidepressant, & those do have more side effects. They are commonly used with gabapentin to treat nerve pain. I actually take Amitriptyline & gabapentin now. I still get twitches and jerks, but I have gotten used to them. They don't terrify me like they used to. It's hard to imagine now, but your body does have the ability to adapt over time. What you need is time for your mind and emotions to settle.

I agree with everyone, don't wait to seek help.