sort of overwhelmed
 

Hi,
I'm refusing to go to bed.
And being destructive.


M.

do you know what is overwhelming you? is it a bunch of things catching up with you? can you stay home from work? Maybe you should stay home from work....i think we go through periods where we have to catch up with ourselves and it is very painful and frightening while we are lagging...
bobby

Thanks.
 

Bobby,
You are such a dear.
I can work it out and stay home. And tell the anxieties to take a break.
I'll make a phone call or two and make apologies.
Now maybe I can go to bed too.


Then I can sleep, go for a walk, and try to let go of anxiety.


M.

I agree Bobby, you are a dear.

I like this plan. But Mari, I want you to also work on coming up with
a plan for going to sleep at least some part of the night.

I don't care if you take off a week or two. But still work on finding
a way to sleep in a pattern also. Now if going to sleep say at 3am
and getting up at 10am is your pattern. Then arrange your
schedule for that.

Donna

I am sorry that you are overwhelmed...
I know how stress can effect you.
take some timeoff regroup and the end is in site, classes are almost over right? few more weeks?
bizi

Dear Mari
 

How about taking a couple of days off and traveling to a place you'd like to visit - as long as you can do that without having to come back to a mountain of work piled up?
Distance from a routine may be good for a perspective on how to reschedule your hours according to your metabolic rhythm.

Dear Donna,
About three or four days a week I sleep from
6:00 am to 9:15 am.
It is awful.
I am not nice to people when I am sleep deprived.
And I am not thinking or speaking clearly.


Today I stayed home from work and slept from 6:30 am to 2:30 pm.
I did not wear my sleep mask.


It is awful because I do anxiety stuff on purpose.


M.

Dear Mari
 

wow, that's 8 hours of sleep. i am glad you stayed home and got that.

is the sleep mask bothering you?

i am sorry you live with this sleep deprivation ... i am not usually sleep deprived but i have been, and lately it is a lot and it is really awful. :(

sending you some hugs and tranquil vibes.

and thank you for your support about my dad. it meant a lot to me.

~ waves ~

Dear Isis and Waves,
 

Thank you.

I just came back from a slow 25 minute walk. That was good.

Most of the time I am ok with the mask, but this morning I fell asleep on the couch. When I moved to the bed later I did not put on the mask.
I wanted to make sure I kept sleeping -- too much thinking might have awakened me.

That makes sense.
I can sleep at night.
I like to go to bed after the sun has come up.
It is very hard to get enough sleep in the winter months!
Summers are good. :)

M.

that sleep must have felt great!

Now I'm crying
 

I checked my work email.
My boss will excuse me from the huge hours long outside activity
this weekend at 8:30 AM if I provide her with a rationale.

What am I supposed to tell her?
I just emailed a colleague and asked him for advice.
I am under the care of two mds for this sleep problem but
I don't want to come out of the closet if I don't have to.

But anything I say that is vague and iffy sounds like I am malingering.

I don't feel good. The sunshine this afternoon made me tired and
I did not get anything done today.
I've spent my whole life being tired.
I wish I had done something with my life.

M.

Mari
It may be to afford yourself the protection of the ADA that you may have to. Just a doctors note stating hormonal imbalance is preventing a full day of activity, then make sure too, are you healthy medically, the vitamin's, the iodine, thyroid, etc.

Sleep deprived; I wondered if it is like a person that uses the food deprivation, as a means of control......
I use sleep as a control. Not entirely sure why I cheat sleep; then sleep during the day.

There is far too much in my life I can not control, but to stay up, and stay up...sometimes, a lot of the times until daybreak, I control.

I do not even try to make a bed time routine, I do not want to give up hours of my time. The time the world is finally peaceful and letting me alone.

If I had a normal sleep pattern, my life would be normal....it is not though.

My mind is cluttered, so many things that need to be taken care of and no energy or drive to do much if any of it.

I am tight chested, no relaxing, like an over-wound watch. How does sleep happen for that?
I don't feel I deserve peaceful sleep. I deserve chaos, I should be flipping out.

I do not even try to do anything that would help. Like relaxation, bio-feed back, a pattern, darkness, smooth sheets.

Boy am I a bad influence for you. If you want to sleep, to have a pattern?
I can admit that I do not.....but, we have work, people that depend on us, and how the heck do we force our self to sleep?

I do not want to take Ambien, I would fight it and be worse. I do not want a glass of wine, I want WHINE!!!!!

Not healthy but it is what it is..... I wish for you to have the sand man decide to ease you back into a pattern you want of sleep.

I guess one day, I can take the rubber bands wound up and hand them off to actually look forward to my sleep at night....
That is a whole other set of panic attacks though....
When I sleep, I can not control my environment, I am venerable, I could be in a tornado, fire, stupid worries all the time.

In our house, I guess it is part of the PTSD, we take turns to sleep. The two kids and I. I wait for the youngest to sleep and the middle kiddo, 27, to wake up and he keeps watch. When I wake up, then he will go to sleep. We always have someone awake......

I wish I had an answer, I wish for you to have a detox of the anxiety dear friend.
Hugs
di

that last line really caught me....i wish i had done something with my life. of my goodness.........you need an exercise...you have to start practicing how many people you have helped at such an early age. it probably doesn't feel good because you were never taken care of and you haven't taken care of yourself. maybe once you start taking care of yourself, i think your sleep issues will start resolving themselves slowly but surely. maybe it is your way for screaming for help....the other day i actually took an one hour bath...was that a form of nurturing. you have to nurture yourself Mari
bobby

I really got sad reading your post. What are you operating on ? fumeS? you are not taking care of yourself at all. How sad. How can you start? You don't even seem to think there is a need. You might even see yourself as the earthmother.
Hugs
bobby

Dear Mari and DiMarie
 

I found this observation quite perspicacious, and entirely plausible. certainly something to think about, for myself, too.

I hope both of you can find some peace... "detox from anxiety" ... what a wonderful way to put it. Di i found your whole post really very touching, to say the least.

~ waves ~

You guys are invaluable in so many ways....I wish you could see this and I wish that your anxieties were lessened.:(

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))
bizi

I think if you had your sleep doctor write you a script for lessened work hours, that might work.
Your boss would not take for personal issues/challenges/problems as a response?
I am sorry that you are having to be put into this situation.
and this negative talk...you do have a life and you do make a huge difference in your students lives!!!!!!!!!

depressed and very tired

(((((Mari))))) & (((((Di)))))

My 2 friends I love....

I dont know if this helps in any way, but, let me tell you, you are wonderful... Im rooting from here for you, you can do it, I mean, you know you can be strong and beat stress because you are very kind, smart and, you deserve to be stress free.
For what I know about you, I dont think you have wasted your life... You are sweet, care about others, are always ready to help... I mean, to feel stressed and tired is not your (our) fault... it just strikes us... which sucks, BUT, we have to try to beat it...

"Unfortunately", for those of us who suffer with sleep disorders (I think i have slept deeply twice in my whole life), one way of feeling better is, sleeping !! :rolleyes: Yep, everything in our (freaking) organism are cycles... we move one thing and everything turn to a mess... :mad:

So ! I wanted this message to be short and I can see it is turning to a long one, so, in resume:

1.- I LOVE you
2.- Give time to time, stress will go away... it has to !!! :mad:
3.- Watch your sleep... please please please, try to...
4.- You deserve the best of this freaking planet.
5.- Thinking about you.

:grouphug:

What about coming out of the closet only as far as getting a doctor's note? As far as i know, diagnoses / medical reasons need not be disclosed. Can one of the doctors simply certify that you are not fit to do the weekend hours? Then the "rationale" remains between you and that doctor.

Do you think it is the heat... i know a gal who has blood pressure dips sometimes when it gets hot, or if she moves into an area that is warm. have you ever taken your bp when you get tired from sun like that?
You have done something - you do much for many, you mean a great deal to many people. But I too wish i had "done more" if that's what you mean. It really hurts to live with unfulfilled potential. :( Regardless if it was just where the chips fell, or due to bad choices. Perhaps we need to accept certain limitations? But you know, I don't feel right about redefining my potential - that would hurt too.

Sending you some hugs, Mari. :hug::hug::hug:

Can hubby make you something comforting to eat or drink? I hope you can get some good sleep later.

~ waves ~

HI,

I was in a bad way last night.
I thought I was losing it.
I did self talk until I fell sleep.
I'm frightened.
I had 4.5 hours of sleep and have to be at work.

I have been skipping appoints with the orthodontist. I just called. The first day that they and I have open is May 10.

I might have to get an MDs note. I've discussed this with two colleagues without telling them more than a little bit -- not much. Frankly, I'm upset that I did come out to them the little bit that I did. I'm disturbed that I had to reveal stuff to them. VERY UPSET.

One colleague tells me that our big boss should accept "personal medical problem" without a note. If she requires a note, then, according to him, she is showing how awful she is.

I have to meet with the big boss about some other issues entirely next week that are even more important to me than the outside event this weekend and I am freaking out about that. She has been supportive in the past but I am getting a different vibe from her now.

My immediate supervisor has us all screaming. She is truly awful.
Morale in my group is low. We have not been able to help each other the way we have in the past. From my group the supervisor has fired one and pushed another into retirement -- both of them this week. We are devastated by the losses.

M.

Dear Mari
 

What a dreadful week and your boss sounds like a real witch. uh-oh my timer just went off (cooking) ... more thoughts in a little while.

for now good thoughts your way...

:hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

oh it has been an awful week.
perhaps you could be worrying about your job security....
I would try to get md orders...to back up your personal needs to document your limitations.
sorry that you veel bad about sharing info about yourself...they should hold confidences and not spread you business.
Good luck with the next few weeks, it sounds very challenging.
anyway to go to the big boss or human resources and aren't there anti discrimination laws that could help you. You could also use the stroke as a medical excuse couldn't you?
((((HUGS)))
bizi

Hi,

The big boss told me to get a note from my doc and put it on file in HR.

I'm done thinking about that stupid Saturday event now.
(It starts at 8:00 am and goes for hours and hours in the sun!!!
I will be home sleeping. :D)

I feel better already.


M.

yippee!!!!!:yahoo:

((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I am so glad that event is out of the way, like a weight being lifted off the chest, at least one brick out of the wall.
Truly sucks to have a work environment like that. It is not healthy for anyone.
Wishing you peace, and rest
di

extra Klonopin
 

HI,
In Nov / Dec I reduced my Klonopin from 2.5 to 2 mgs without telling pdoc.

For the next two days I am going to raise it to 3.0.
Then I'll do 2.5 (my prescribed dose) for the next two weeks and re-evaluate.

I am really really wound up.
Depressed and close to not coping.

M.

Dear Mari
 

glad that the big boss gave you a clear course of action and that you can stay home and sleep today. i am so sorry to hear about losing your two colleagues that would be frightening and depressing - i agree with Di, very unhealthy work environment.

regarding the Klonopin, i really hope that it helps and that you will feel more settled soon.

i would feel a little better if you would let your pdoc know what is going on, and what you are doing. for the long term he might even be able to provide an alternative to the K. i realize that, for the moment, you need to use tools you have - you are the best judge on the what and how much. i also realize you might not want to 'fess up to pdoc and that benzo scripts are strictly monitored which complicates things further. but it seemed like your pdoc was pretty receptive when you went through the hassle with the Xanax, so maybe it wouldn't be a problem. he is on your side.

~ waves ~

I am sorry you are going thru this...hoping that your changes help you feel better.
what about taking the klonipin thru out the day(2 doses) instead of one dose?
bizi

extra Klonopin
 

OK
So maybe it was not a good idea to up my dose by 30 percent.

Whoa. I've been shall we say r e l a x e d.
Maybe a bit stoned too.


Last night's dose of 3.0 is wearing off a little.
Maybe I'll just take 2.5 tonight, not sure.

M.

i don't know ...sometimes i take four when i am only supposed to take two.
maybe you were wrapped too tight and you needed the relief
bobby

R o f l
 

Oh Mari you cracked me up.

I have to admit. it did seem like a big hop to me. it's 50% actually. (3.0 is 1.5 times 2.0) i almost suggested you go with just the 2.5, but i figure you would know best just what state you are in, and how Klonopin affects you. and i figured only 2 days would not be a big deal.

however, the stuff has an elimination half-life of around 30 hours... elimination/accumulation are such that:

-- if you only take 2.5 tonight, your peak level will still be higher than after yesterday's 3.0 dose, and will continue to increase slightly to steady state.

-- if you take 3.0 again tonight it will hike your level past what would be steady state for 2.5, so that as of tomorrow, when you go to 2.5, your peak levels will decrease, not increase, to steady state. (values of half life > 23 hrs produce this behavior.)

if it were me (which it isn't ;)), i would go with 2.5 tonight.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves.
 

I blame the math mistake on the extra klonopin. ;)
I would have gotten the math right otherwise. Right
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/22.gif


Anyway, I took 2.5 mgs tonight.

It feels like the right amount.

And maybe, as Bobby says, I really did need that 3.0 at the time.
It sure helped a lot.

M.

Hee hee! :D:D:D you are funny. love that grin smiley!
cool. :)
i don't doubt it. also, the 3.0mg works as a loading dose - you will reach steady state relative to 2.5 dose a bit faster (desirable, considering how icky you were feeling) than if you had just upped to 2.5mg. ;)

i am really glad you are feeling better Mari. are you being able to get some sleep? i hope you have a good Sunday. :hug:

~ waves ~

Mari
I can't even say for sure. But it sure sounds like you are in a lot better
mood.

I am so glad you had a medicine that you could use by upping.

Donna:grouphug:

'Feeling wound up tighter than a rattlesnake ready to strike.
If I weren't worried about driving, I might go into work with lots of Klonopin -- at least I would not have to worry about becoming uncoiled and upsetting someone.

I do have a pedicure and manicure appt to look forward to at 4:00.
I'll have to make sure I get out of work on time to make that.
. . . . working on finding a good mantra or something to calm down.

A few nights ago, during a long BS ceremony where I had to sit for a long time and pretend to be sane, I kept my hands on my lap in Chinmaya Mudrā (Yoga posture).
http://healing.about.com/od/healerne...dex/Mudras.htm


When I got to my office (and most folks had gone home) one of my friends was with me and I completely let out my tension. I am sooo glad that she has known me for a long time and can handle someone acting like they are at the end of their rope.
I did not even apologize to her. It was what it was.


M.

DO You know what is triggering this? I am so sorry. I don't know how you handle it when you have to be in public and can't allow yourself to break down if need be. It sounds as if a medication or medications aren't working at all. Do you want to change your medication or do you think you are headed for a major breakthru? that could be neat if you could live thru it
i am so sorry
bobby
as i have said i sometimes take four m of klonopin *I should only take two- and it doesn't touch my anxiety

Dear Mari
 

please call your pdoc.

it is possible you will settle down with the new dosage in a while - but you had been on 2.0 for a long time. it seems unlikely (tho it is possible) that some sort of withdrawal syndrome caught up with you. the problem with benzos is that they do cause dependency and dose increase is periodically needed to achieve the same therapeutic effect. your pdoc may even want to increase you past 2.5mg. or he may consider adding something that isn't addictive the only thing i know of offhand is buspar.

i still think it would be good to touch base with him. he can't help you if he doesn't know you are hurting. :o

~ waves ~ wishing you well

Dear Bobby and Waves,

This is in large part related to sleep.

I slept from 5:00 am to 9:00 am last night and have meetings with the big boss and then with students today and lots of phone calls to handle.
My team is demoralized right now.

The pdoc can't make me sleep.
I already told him two or visits ago that I would not take any more meds than I already have -- so it would not matter what he gave me -- it's not a med problem..

Then I changed my mind and called back and tried the 3.0 lunesta twice and was totally hung over.

M.

what wre your hours of sleep? 5pm to 9 pm????
bizi