Teach me to Ask for Help
 

Cause I don't know how to let people know how bad I need them or how bad off I am. All my life I have been told by my abusive older brother and then later in life by my abusive ex husband that I'm a pain when I use to need them. If I spoke about my how my husband or my in-laws was hurting me to my older brother my brother would tell me no one wants to hear it. Or he'd tell me I'm such a baby. My husband would tell me I'm always making something out of nothing. I was told these things over and over and it changed me. I would be told things like, I just wanted some one to feel sorry for me and to straighten up. I walked on egg shells whenever I spoke of how bad I felt because I would get yelled at and cussed at something terrible. I even had someone online on another website start ugly things with me when I kept complaining about how bad my life was with my ex. I don't know how to get the attention I need when I'm hurting. I just get hurt and get frustrated because I don't know how to get comforted like most people do.

I can't go on trying to explain how much of an effect the emotional abuse I suffered has on a person. I want to shut that out of my life now. I could not cry for a very long time at one time because the abuse was so bad I had to shut down my emotions to cope.

keep posting in your own thread
 

Dear Barbara,

The board is very slow as you know, but I think that others will be by to help.

Right now I can't help much. I am very tired and not thinking straight.

I think you did a good thing by coming back here, speaking clearly, and giving the board another chance.


That stuff you mention in your post is pretty awful and I can
see why you are hesitant to reach out.


It is hard to re-train ourselves but it can be done. We can change how we communicate with the world.

I'm really sorry that I can't help you more.

Please know that I hope that you can feel better.
And I hope that you can feel better about asking for help too.

Here is one suggestion for now. Maybe you can practice this. Every time someone posts on your thread, post back to them and add some more. This keeps your thread on the top of the page and it keeps people interested in your situation. It keeps up the level of interaction.
How have your days been? Are you with other people?


Mari

Hi Barbara
 

Well, First,

you just did. By starting this thread, you have already asked for a specific kind of help. How did you do it - the title makes a specific request. making a specific request is a good, clear way to ask for help.

I understand what you have described... conceptually... emotionally i cannot imagine the extent of what you have endured, and it must be really awful. I would encourage you to find a therapist with whom you can learn once again to trust... choosing the right people to trust, too.

It is not your fault you were abused and in so many different circumstances. And trust issues are a natural consequence of that, as is the kind of emotional shutdown you describe. It would be good to work on resolving that - it is a part of putting the abuse behind you. Because that history has "trained" you and thus is still keeping you from reaching out - which is a healthy behavior. Until you relearn how to reach out again comfortably, and within safe boundaries, you are still a victim of the abuse.

A therapist is the best person to help you relearn this because it is complex, and best handled with a real person sitting with you, and one who is trained in these issues. i don't know if you've done DV counseling... if not that might be a place to start. if you have, you could still call and say you are still having these issues and go from there... they may suggest you resume DV counseling, or give you suggestions or referrals for different counseling. But you do need a pro for that.

As far as how to tell us you need us. A simple statement can go a long way.
"Please help me."
"I feel really rotten right now/am feeling abandoned AND I really need support from you guys. Please reply."
"I am really at a loss on... (whatever issue you are posting about); please help me with this."

just very plain vanilla, direct statements. if you can manage to do that it will be a big help to us in knowing when you are in need.

I am glad to see you posting again, and asking for help. :hug:

~ waves ~

Even if you don't think you can type the words asking...you can give a clue by using the help icon http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/im...consb/help.gif.

Barbara, what kind of help works best for you?

Do you want advice, ideas, for us to listen and acknowledge?

Ihave physical pain 24/7. Some days worse than others. I very rarely if ever ask for help. :o I struggle through the pain.

A little signal works well now. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I will rub my thighs. Heck..it's the only way sometimes I can get feeling in them. :wink: When my husband or family sees this now, they know I can't move or get up from my chair.

So if you have one of those times, where you can't even ask, just use the http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/im...consb/help.gif and we'll know.

Thank you all. This is really very emotional for me. I will try to get back to all of you but it's just so draining for me. Writing about the abuse gets me to crying too bad as it's almost like I am reliving it. It's like all those years of surpressing my tears that now that I can cry it won't stop. It was very hard for me to start this post. Perhaps this in itself is part of the healing process.

I do see a DV counselor but not often enough. I can either see her or a student counselor and I'd rather have the experienced one.

Dear Barbara,
Yes, I believe that the DV counselor can help.
And let her know that you are not doing well.
Sometimes I have to point out the obvious to my people too.
Lots of hugs.
M.

Yes crying is hard
but it lets us know that we have emotions
instead of just being numb.
Try to just take it today,
are you getting out of the house?
I am sorry that this is so hard....keep making baby steps.
((((HUG))))
beth:hug:

Need you all
 

I get out of the house from time to time but not enough. Although lately I have been getting out a lot to take care of business.

Long story short my landlord is a slum lord. I have made a request in writing for him to fix a health issue. Since it will be costly to him he has decided to harrass me so I will move and he won't have to fix the problem. Things like them locking my clothes in the laundry mat to putting a difficult woman in next door to me in what use to be the model apartment. I've had my mail missing and other such things to distress me. The people that I thought were my friends here will not get involved in my defense because they're scared. My next door neigbhor told me today she was going to beat my ****. I told her here I am to bring it on. She just ran her mouth though and called me vulgar names. The cops came and come to find out it's not against the law to threaten someone. I had to get her for cursing me and abuse. One night my clothes got locked in the laundry mat on purpose to intimadate me. I could use some friends to hang in there with me and offer advice or comfort me when they can. I hate to be so problamatic but I"m going to need as much support I can get and ideas as to what to do. I will talk more about it as time goes on.

I guess I feel like my mind and body are on overload tonight. Too much stress for too long.

barbara

On the landlord thing be sure to write down times, names ,dates things happen and what happened.
evidence - take pictures of anything that might help you prove something.
save any messages on your phone or record any harassing calls if you can.

Do you watch those court shows on tv?
They are kind of good for showing what is needed as proof.
many landlord /tenet cases :(

Oh you might check your county health or housing dept website and find out if any laws are being broken by landlord.
Or if an inspection can be requested??

Next time mail is missing report that to post office.
I'm pretty sure tampering with mail is a federal offense.

About all I can think to do about the yucky neighbor is to totally ignore her- don't look at her , don't talk to her..., pretend she isn't even there.

Thank you Jo. I have started to write down stuff a few months ago and have taken some pictures. I need to take more pictures and such though while I am still here. I have one of the ring leaders that helps the landlord had a freind of hers call me and harrass me. That is on tape. So far there' nothing but circumstancial evidence. I had the detective who handled the fraud a different neighbor did on stealing my credit card from me talk to me today. He said if I need him again to call him. I'm going to see how he can advice me also.

barbara