As I was sitting in my car beside my adult son, who is wise and knowledgable, he asked me a list of questions one would as a person in my distress, and he learned enough to recognize that I was lucid, which he told the Dr. Then he asked me if I was fearful. He thought maybe this was precipitated by a specific incident. I responded by saying, in a small stuttering and stammering voice that include timeouts for words to get from my brain to my mouth, "which basket wins the ballgame, the first one or the last second buzzer beater?". Both are equally crucial to the point total.

In the first incident, where I avoided the panic, the trip to see the psychologist required footwear. Now I don't do footwear, skin is my footwear of choice. But, (doesn't matter if it has one T or two buts are almost always big!) large snowfall, cold temps, unfamiliarity with the area/clinic I was going to required me to protect my feet from snow, ice, and cold. These boots, bought at my neurologist's suggestion, were 3 sizes bigger than my normal size to compensate for my inability to tolerate any thing on my foot/ankle/lower leg. I wear, when required by law or weather, socks that are men's size 10-13 with the top cut off and clips made to loosen the part that will touch my ankle.

I was not anxious about this exam, yet 5 minutes after "adorning" my feet my disposition/personality changed. Agitated, irritated, shouting at my husband that if I didn't get out of this house I was going to panic. I was in major pain in my feet and ankles and I could feel a headache coming. In the car, which is such a delightful place to be with an agitated, irritable post-menopausal woman in pain and quickly acquiring a headache, we stopped at the mailbox. YES, God was going ahead of us, there was a new copy of Saveur magazine. Distraction is one of the tools in my 'medicine box', so my husband got to listen to me read aloud for nearly one hour from this cooking magazine. Better to hear my voice in an organized, purposeful mission instead of me continually asking (maybe shouting) at him if he knew(he does) how bad I hate socks and shoes.

Well, we got there, did the exam, and got back to the car where I immediately removed said footwear. Not to worry I had brought some that while normally looked upon with scorn, now seemed rather benign.

I'm not sure I recovered from that episode but the reality is I am coming to the threshold of a cane, a walker and beyond. And in my game of life this seems like the full-court buzzer beating shot that goes in and the game you thought you were winning suddenly you've lost. I've been keeping this to myself(my husband and I are one in that) now there will be no hiding a cane or a walker. So much adjustment.

At a time when we thought adventure and trips with grandchildren would be consuming our lives, we are not destitute but finding two dimes to rub together is difficult. Borrowing from children, buying groceries and gas with plastic, doing without what we thought were necessities and some still are, Netflix and cousin Bob's popcorn, soup, soup, soup, these are our adventure right now. We are owed money, but I'm thinking that there is a battle in the heavenlies for that answer to prayer. Nobody's bitter here, I'm just having a bit of trouble adjusting to the change of plans, and who knows my husband might even grow fond of hearing me read aloud to him. And I've discovered I can play scrabble via words free with my children and the game can last for days, they don't have to adjust their day to entertain me, we can do it wirelessly. Sports occupy a big part of the grandkids lives, but they are willing when gramps needs a break at entertaining me the are willing to come and babysit me.

Dear Sandy, thanks for the links, meditation, music are a part of my repertoire to avoid the pill thing.

Dear Dee, Absofreakinlutely thanks for the smile. I'll take a hit of endorphins any way I can get them. I didn't feel like I was having a heart attack but I was hyperventilating.

Dr. Smith, Your opinions are sounder than some I've heard from the real thing, but thank you. It is difficult to understand that this is connected to the RSD and at the same time when everything comes at once it is hard to separate it.

trying to reset my panic button,
pat