on thursday, i had my fifth "subanesthetic ketamine" infusion, the dose having reached 155 mg over a 2 hour period. all to no avail, these five treatments. i have one more scheduled for may 2, and then fully expect the doctor to call it quits.

i am a pretty balanced person, all things considered, but i feel like i am finally coming unhinged.

it's been 9 years of constant pain and blahblahblah (i don't intend to preach to the choir -- or bore it with needless detail!). i did not realize how much hope i had sunk into this ketamine adventure and while i knew intellectually there was a chance it would not "work," apparently my psyche didn't get the message.

so i plan to give in to the blues for a few days -- i've already been crabby going on 4 days, and that's about enough. then i have to tackle the enormous question: what now?

i already know the answer. there's been no stone unturned, really -- the problem is a familiar one -- my diagnosis was much delayed, hence my treatment(s) really started too late. and trying ketamine after 9 years and expecting it to work? why, i guess that was downright silly.


note: if you are considering outpt subanesthetic ketamine, don't be let down by my experience... because i am certainly not the type of case that is likely to benefit -- it was just something i had to try, for my own peace of mind. (peace of mind? well, i guess that will be something to look forward to!) from what i am told, when it works, it is a remarkable thing...