[painman2009]

the weather is warming up, my legs are swelling as well as hands feet.
I find myself fighting increasing pain, and every time I go to the dr I listen less and less. I also find that on some level I fear losing the pain , as for If I do and it is only Short amount of time I find the is relief, I fear I will mentally and emotionally break upon the return of this pain.. Is this ODD???
The pain seems to be on me like a pair of pants and a shirt. vibrating in painful life. seemingly with a mind of its own, tears well in my eyes more frequently, sleep is a dream, I will catch an hour hear an hour there.. I have increased the amount of painkillers I take (this scares me) and i only helps so very little. the migraines come like waves now,and they are getting worse as well. while sitting there crying, I dare not meet the eyes of my family as guilt will then accompany my pain.
spring is here and now I am only a spectator to its beauty and no longer a participant. yes thats the right word .. my pan has made me a spectator to life around me, and I am slowly becoming an angry old hermit, I notice bitterness in my words to my children.
uUUUUUUHHHHHGGGGGG!!!! OK THIS WAS A QUICK SPILL THANK YOU ALL FOR LETTING ME DO THIS... I hope all are doing well and finding better and better ways to cope , and lessen their pain.
GOD BLESS ALL