I am having such a hard time of late.

I haven't quite decided what I am going to do. My depression seems to me it's even worse then before.

This move is doing me in. I am still not done. Susan and Travis are trying to help me but it's just too much. I still have things at the old house, I still have things to haul off from the yardsale. I took one load Monday and still have one more to go.

My truck has a flat on it. The kids are coming to get it today to have another tire put on it but my truck is giving me problems so I am trying to decide wheather to trade it off or have it fixed. It is paid for. It's an older one but before Bill passed we put new tires on it and did over 800. worth of work to it. I believe the carburator is messing up on it.

Don't buy tires from Big O by the way. Their tires last about a year or less. We had one that seaped air and when Bill went back about it they took our new tire and gave him one that doesn't even match ours. We had only had them about 9 months. Susan and Travis's tires from there only lasted 6 months. When they went to get new ones again the other place knew exactly where they got them. They said they get all of their old customers because of their tires not lasting. I was on the phone with the manager yesterday and he refuses to do anything for me. Tires should last at least a year or more.

I still haven't gotten my disability straightened up. I'm afraid they will overpay me and I will have to pay them back. How often does that one happen?

I don't even want to leave the house anymore, answer the phone or deal with anyone.

I am dealing with the left chest pain again and I will be getting in to see the cardiologist but not until June. I can get one sooner but I wanted to see this particular Dr. Bill and I have seen the other 5 in that office. They sure didn't do anything for him.

Missing him has overwhelmed me lately also. I just keep asking myself what do I do next? I'm already tired of dealing with the problems that he always delt with.

With the RSD and other problems it makes it too hard to deal with anything without stressing out.

As far as the VNS, I went in Monday and the machine hadn't gotten to my Drs. office to turn it on but I was ok with that I am still trying to get use to the funny feeling in my throat, the tingling. I think being stressed yesterday made me notice it even more.

I'm not sure but what I'm not going to go off of here for awhile and try to get my head and life straightened up. I have not gotten to sat down for over a month to just relax without thinking about what I have to do next.

Susan is worn out also. Travis is trying so hard to take the burden off of both of us with all of this but him being the boss where he works, makes it hard, he has no one there that he can teach to take his place to leave there. He's tried two or three times and about time they start learning they quit. It is a very strenious job and now he travels also.

I'm not sure when I will be back on, I just need to try and pull some things together and get my life back in some kind of order.

Thanks for all you guys do for me.

Ada

Dear Ada,

Sending LOtS of to you, Sweetie. It sounds like you are just so very overwhelmed, that you don't know what to do next. It just breaks my heart to hear yo sounding so sad and depressed.

While I do think that taking things easy for a little bit is exactly what you need to do, I don't think that you need to take a break from here right now. With how you are sounding, it would be so easy to start isolating yourself....and fall into the habit of not talking, and then just feeling like you don't have anyone to talk to, and that no one cares anyway. That is the Depression wrecking havoc on you, Sweetie. Please keep on coming here and talking to us..ok?

I understand that you have lots of stuff left to do with your move. Please try not to worry about it so very much. Is there any reason why you need to try to get things done so quickly? Does it matter so much that you still haven't gotten everything out of the old house yet? If it doesn't (I can't remember if you are trying to sell it, or rent it, or what? Sorry...leaky brain and all..LOL), then don't worry! Take your sweet time. If it does...well...maybe you can have something where other folks can come over to help? Kinda make a fun thing out of it...like promising everyone that comes to help some BBQ after it is all over and done with. Have a BYOM (Bring your own meat..ROFL), to help keep the cost down, but still be able to have fun. I think that you having some FUN is really important right now (Oh...and as far as the whole BYOM thing? My folks just got invited to a party/get together at his Department Head's house, and they had BYOM on the invite! So if high muckety-muck Department Heads can do that...so can everyone else! ROFL).

Why are you worried that SSD might over pay you? I think that I probably missed something there, too. If you are really worried about it, and have some kind of idea as to what the amount is that they are supposed to pay you....then when you get your check, hold some of it out in a savings account or something. That way, if there IS an over payment, you will have whatever to pay back to them...or have that set aside for when they rectify the problem for their selves. I had them over pay me once....way back when I first started getting SSD checks. It wasn't the first one...it was a bit later, and I can't even remember how or why it happened. But, what they did was just hold the overpayment amount out of the next check they sent me. So, if you hold some of this money back, to make sure that you have something for if they DO have to fix the situation, you should be OK.

I know that right now, you just seem so overwhelmed, and have so many things going on all at once. Things WILL clam down for you, I promise. You just have to try to look at one thing at a time, and not look at EVERYTHING that is coming up so far in advance. Doing that just sometimes makes things look soo....well...overwhelming (gee. I seem to like that word today, don't I? Lol) and like you are just going to drown in all of the STUFF/Crap/whatever. So, for now at least, try to cut things into chunks. Do what needs to be done now...and take care of things as they come up. Try to NOT worry about what is going to happen next month, in the next couple of months, or whatever for right now. Doing that is just making you depressed and driving you crazy.

I know that you have said that Susan is you caretaker now. If this is getting to be too much for her....is there any way that you can try to find someone else to help out too? I know that you probably won't ever find anyone like your old caretaker that did such a wonderful job, and that you were so very close too...but you never know, you might. It just sounds as if all of you guys need a little extra help right now. You are all trying to deal with the loss of Bill, and it really does sound like all of you all could use a helping hand.....at least to get through the next little while. I don't know if this is something that isn't do-able for some reason...I just thought that I would make the suggestion.

One reason that I am asking if this is a possibility, is because you already have SOOOO much that you are trying to deal with, and that you are worrying about.....you shouldn't have to worry so much about Susan and Travis' stuff too. I must have missed something (again...Gee! It seems that I have missed a lot! I am sorry...) As to why he is looking for a replacement at work? If he is trying to go to another job....then all he really has to do it give his notice to his present work place. It isn't up to him to stay while all of the folks that they have hired come and go. I understand that the best case scenario is for him to be able to get someone fully trained before he leaves....but it isn't his responsibility to stay there while all of these other folks get hired and quit repeatedly. It is the responsibility of his workplace to hire someone DEPENDABLE, that will stay there to get trained. If they can't.....then it will be up to someone there to train or finish training whoever they finally get hired. It isn't Travis' responsibility to have to stay there for an unknown amount of time until this finally happens. Good Lord! It could take months for that to happen, and in the mean time, it isn't fair to him or his family to have him trying to stay someplace that he is wanting to leave. If that makes any sense, how I have said any of that.

I know that you will worry about them, no matter what....but if Susan and he are having lots of trouble right now with that, and with whatever else...you have to try to NOT be so worried about it too. Right now, you have to be a little bit selfish, and focus on doing what ever is needed to make YOUR situation better, and to try to have things going on to help you not be so depressed. Worrying and stressing about everyone and everything else right now, is only adding to all that is already seeming too much for you. You know what I mean?

I am also not understanding about your VNS. You got it implanted..I understand that...but it hasn't been activated yet? Or has it? What is the "tingling" and "funny feeling" in your throat? Is it the stim from that? Or is it just the feeling of where the leads are running through? If it hasn't been activated yet...when it is supposed to? If it is already supposed to have been....and it is a problem of the guy getting to your docs to do it...is there anything that can be done to help that along? Like...can you go to another place to try to get it done faster? Or, can your doc put his foot down and tell them that you need this done, and you need it done YESTERDAY? I mean...what is the point of having something like that implanted, if they aren't even going to get it activated for you? Or, if it is activated and needs adjusting...again, what is the point if they can't get their rears in gear and get over there to get it done? This thing is supposed to be HELPING you...and it sure doesn't sound like it is right now....

I am sorry...but that makes me mad and upset. I have never had a VNS implanted, but I do remember how it was with my SCS, and trying to get them to get it fixed for me so that it would work like it was supposed to. All of that waiting around just is depressing and stressful. I imagine it is even more so with this VNS, since it IS supposed to be there to try to help with your depression...right?

If I am remembering correctly, you can't take any antidepressants...right? That makes it seem even more to me that this should be a priority with everyone involved....and that someone, somewhere is dropping the ball and being irresponsible. This just makes me SOOOO MAD!

I wish that I could help you Sweetie. I hope that you know if you ever have any questions or anything about ANYTHING...all you have to do is give me a holler. I have been on my own for a very long time now (got divorced in ‘92, and had to figure out how to do everything on my own for both myself and my two, at that time, little kids), so I do know how hard it is to all of a sudden have EVERYTHING dumped all in your lap for you to take care of all alone. It sucks, and it is very scary. I just wanted you to know that I am here, and I do understand that part at least a little, and that I will do whatever I can to help you out. I only wish that I could do more. You sure have been through a lot this past year...and it just breaks my heart. You are such a Sweetie, and such a good person....you should have an easier time of things!

Well...this wound up being much longer than I meant for it to when I sat down here. But, you know me...that is what ALWAYS happens when I get on this keyboard! I hope that it didn't wear you out just sitting there trying to read all of this. I really just wanted to let you know that I care....and I am here for you....and that I really hope that you don't take a break from all of us right now. I mean...I just started being back here again! It is too soon for you to go and take a break from here now! Besides...I really think that it might not be the best thing for you right now, with all of what you have to deal with, and how depressed you are. I really do worry a lot about you, Sweetie. I hope you know that.

Ok...I am just making this longer and longer, so I am going to stop here. Please let us all know how you are doing...and please remember what I said; if I can help in anyway, all you have to do is holler. Either here, or in a PM or in email (you do have my addy...right? If not, let me know, and I will get it to you..Ok?). I am just a holler away...

Dont forget, that WE need you here too. Ok?

Lots of Love and
Jose

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Ada!

awww sweety, just know we are here for you. have you lifted in prayer.

Jose covered most of what i was going to say.{thanks Jose!}

I wanted to know the brand of those tires so I don't buy that kind.
My yokohamas have been on since fall of 03 and about 50,000 miles so far. I went to Big O one time years ago - never again!


Ada, I think you are still grieving too and that is totally normal.
Most grief/loss articles say to avoid major changes for the first year after a loss of a loved one. But sometimes the need arises and you have to do things.

But if anything isn't really needing to be done right now - just take a break from all of it that isn't on the "must do" list.
You are probably very fatigued and stressed out - take a few days or a week to really relax and get rested.
Are you taking a multivitamin and a B stress complex?
Hugs to you--

Extra-special thoughts and Prayers for you, Ada...

Most Fondly,

Brokenwings

We are here for you Ada

Hello Ada: Years ago I came home from work and the house was a mess, dirty dishes in the sink, laundry piled up, etc. I was stressed out from long hours at work and had no energy to deal with it.

After assessing the situation, I told my son to pack some clothes and get in the car. We spent the weekend whitewater rafting. The mess was still there when we returned home, but I felt better mentally. Sometimes you just have to get away from whatever is bothering you and just relax.

Try going outside and looking at the night sky. When you consider how vast the universe is and how small our planet is, then how small we ourselves are compared to the earth, then our problems seem very small indeed.

I am not suggesting that your problems are small, only that sometimes we worry too much. A hundred years from now, no one will care if you had boxes in your living room, a messy house, or slimey lettuce in your refrigerator. Just do what you can, and forget about the rest. You may be afraid because you have to make decisions on your own now, but I can tell from your posts that you are much stronger than you believe. Just take one step at a time and it will all work out. Regards, Lil

Ada,

Please know that you remain in the thoughts and prayers of many friends here. Hang in there - a brighter day is ahead!


In prayer,

Hey Ada,

You have already done *so* much, be very proud of yourself. Moving is just plain horrible; that, combined with what amounts to chucking out tracts of your life...very, very, very tough. I know. And you've done extraordinarily well.

So....there's only one thing to do when life is really getting you down. You need a Blue Umbrella Drink. Head for the nearest place that serves cocktails and order a blue drink (doesn't matter what's in the drink, blueberry juice will do). But it must come with a Blue Umbrella. Kick back, order a second one...I guarantee you'll feel at least a little better.

That is Artist's prescription for Cheering Up. Try it.
Many hugs,
all the best