Well, Yule totally sucked. We celebrate on the 21st as we're Pagan. I had a plan to cook a bunch of Tapas. My DH didn't clean all week, is a huge procrastinator, so I had to clean the kitchen and do all the cooking on Friday night. Saturday comes and I was not moving as quickly as I wished, probably doing well considering, but I was not getting any help at all.

I totally freaked out on both DH and DD for not helping. They were both on their computers or the PS3. It took DH and hour to get off the computer so we could go get cat food and the rest of what I needed at the store. I yelled bad. I had to take a Xanax so I wouldn't freak out so bad that the neighbors would think I'm murdering them.

My brother and his wife were supposed to be coming over around 7. They got there a little late, but I knew their schedule was them running around that day. I grabbed my brother and told him to help. He did, but was so tired that he needed specific instructions for everything. We didn't eat anything until 10 and I only cooked half of what I wanted (the croquettes were supurb).

Did I get a single present. Nope. Sure, money is tight and we're getting my settlement soon, so we'll be able to go shopping then, but a single present would have been nice. It could have been a spoon or pair of socks, and the thought would've been there. Dh didn't even take DD (age 11) out to get me something. I did get my tattoo worked on a week ago, so I got myself something, but that doesn't count. The thought is to actually think about others, to share and be generous.

He can't help, he can't give, he's being a HUGE jerk. He gets SAD and with it being so cold lately he hasn't gotten any sunshine, but refuses to take vit D either. I get to deal with this every year between now and March. I'm so ******. Normally I just deal with it, understanding he can't help part of it because of the SAD, but I've always been able to make up for it. Not this year and I just can't deal with it. This morning I was trying to find something to wear to work. I asked him, "didn't you do some laundry yesterday", he said yes, but it wasn't hung up and folded, just in a pile. How am I supposed to know what is clean or dirty when it's all in a big pile, now wrinkled again.

I want my body back. I want to be able to stand and cook, or just go when I want. Be able to get things done. Be able to watch DH's back so when he does things half way I can help him finish. Be able to enjoy a day off without it feeling like all I do is work or sleep.

There is no way I can EVER host a holiday dinner again without other people helping me, really helping, not just a little here and there.