Dear Lit Love,

Your post starting this thread was expressed so well and made me recall similar situations. There is no easy answer as to how to deal with this type of individual. That depends on the person and what will work with HER.

Your first post is so very well stated that maybe you should state it exactly that way to your acquaintance. It gets your point across without being ugly about it. It is honest and direct but also soft and "should" be well received. If I were "the acquaintance" and you told me EXACTLY what you stated in your post, I would be appreciative of your honesty.

BUT, I may be of a totally different personality than the real acquaintance of which you spoke.

Another option might be to re-direct the conversations and turn them on her. When she asks a question of you or makes statements regarding your mental "health" or "attitude" toward your condition, you may just turn around and ask HER, "Why do you ask?" "Do YOU have a mental illness?" You may say "I would prefer not to talk about the matter.
Let's keep things on a lighter note and not discuss health issues."

About "depression".... It is one of those which came first, the chicken or the egg, things in my opinion. A family member was pushing the depression theory on me for my lack of doing anything. It took a while but I finally got through that if SHE had my health, SHE would get depressed, too. How would SHE like not being able to ........ and I would start the list. Wouldn't that depress YOU?

Everyone with a chronic illness and/or pain gets depressed from time to time. Often times, it is the illness that causes the depression. Not to say that people can't have depression that is compounded by illness but some of us never experienced depression UNTIL our lives were destroyed by a chronic illness.

There is a relationship between depression and chronic illness that most healthy people do not understand.

When we become shut away from the world due to our health, having friends is important but maybe one or two really GOOD ones would be much preferable to one potential friend that will cause you grief and emotional upset.

MY advice, bottom line, tell her how you feel and let the chips fall where they may.

Thanks for the thread. Hope things work out the way you would like them to be.

Hi Lit Love,

One more comment from this peanut gallery. Your first post sound like she has already put you on the "defensive" side and that is NOT a good place to pushed into by someone. Put HER on the defensive. Take the offense. While I am sure you want to be polite and not be the "attacker", if there is potential for a budding friendship, throw politeness out of the window and "test" the potential relationship. A friend worth having will make it through a direct, honest, conversation that is not masked in politeness.

Your point of the irony of her applying for disability was great. Also the reason SSDI can be so hard to obtain for those of us who would give anything to be "capable" of working if only we could. Those of us who loved our jobs, our work, our livelihood, and would trade our inabilities in a second for the opportunity to return to our work lives.

How much so many of us would love to go back to work, renounce our SSDI income, and lead the lives we once had before struck down by some chronic illness.

Many "surprises" may lay in wait for your acquaintance when she applies for SSDI. I fear that once those surprises surface, she will have you on speed dial. Ah, you will suddenly become her BEST friend and her tune may change. When that happens, just tell her that it is all in her "attitude".

It has been my experience that "pushy" people do not take honesty and forthright comments well.

I've been reading this thread, and I see you, LIT LOVE, have those "helping" genes, and a personality that is giving. I have that
trait too, and it has been tough for me, attracting types that "take" and emotionally drain me.

If this new acquaintance is wearing you out, making you feel more tired and confused, this relationship doesn't really need to go farther. There are personality types that have chameleon like traits, mirroring you to establish a link. Sales people use this trait to bond with customers to get a sympathy going so you will buy what they have. In private relationships, people like this project this "I am like you" attitude to lure you into a friendship.
Most times, they are not like you at all, and it can be so subtle you don't even know it is happening.

Slowly back away, answer the phone less, but just once in a while, introduce other topics of conversation when you do talk on the phone, etc. If you back away slowly and are greeted with hostility..."Where have you been" type accusations, that is a clue that this relationship is going to be toxic for you.

People who struggle with pain, and the baggage it brings (depression,fatigue etc), on a daily basis have to strengthen their boundaries so that the needy types do not compound our days. I try to find some humor online, and I channel my own helping needs to my environment--my husband, cats, and the animals that live in nature with us. In summer I have my garden and seedlings to care for. Right now I am photographing the winter birds and squirrels right through our windows. Giving them a little food each day, satisfies me watching them survive these cold wintry days.

Certainly it is tough, getting a needy pushy type to back off. I don't envy you that task. I get the feeling you know what needs to be done, and are just dreading it?

I know for me I just can't watch the news anymore. The CNN type channels are wearing me down! Just the news these days is enough to create depression! So structuring your day away from further bad news may help... it sure does help me!

Thank you Hopeless and Mrs. D.

I definitely have that the inclination to take care of people and attract people that are inclined to take advantage of that, lol. I just don't have the ability to be very dependable anymore. One of the reasons I post actively on the SS disability forum is so that I can give back and fulfill that need to help, but I can depend on others that are just as capable, if not more so, if I'm not up to it.

I don't think she's looking to take advantage of me, but rather she wants an equally unhealthy, enmeshed relationship. She's worried about me, she's sending her bf over with food, asking if I need her to run errands, etc. (Part of the issue is that my son had been living with me for almost a year, and he just moved cross country for another internship. It is a big adjustment, but I can manage.) I haven't taken her up on any of the "favors" and I make a point to bake or cook for her as well when I'm feeling at my best, so that things don't become one sided. What I've found over the years is that there are times when I really do need help, but it's way less complicated to pay for it rather than depend on friends. --I probably should avoid family help as well, but that's tougher, for a variety of reasons.

And when I lost my patience with her, I explained that there is a component of depression with RSD/CRPS, but I've DONE the work in therapy to be confident that depression is a symptom, not a cause. And from what she said in response, I do think she's trying to project her own issues on to me. I had assumed she had seen a psych doc at some point, but apparently she's just self diagnosing.

I can call my former therapist if I have an emergency, but I haven't needed to speak with him in a few years. Having everybody here to bounce ideas off of, is a BIG help.

Dear Lit Love,

Oh, no, the acquaintance has you on the ropes so to speak. For "giving and helpful" people, like you, not only do you feel compelled to be polite, but pushy people will also make you feel obligated when they do something for you. Been there. The more she "helps" and does for you, the more reluctant you may become to be direct and set limits. I use the word "you" not to mean you specifically, but as a general pronoun.

The first line of Mrs. D's comment is very true. It is also very difficult to set limits and be honest with someone that does anything for you no matter how big or small, wanted or not.

As I mentioned to you in a PM a while back, your patience and the help you have shown on forums in NT is remarkable to say the least. Your kindness and personality show through your responses on NT to posters seeking assistance.

I wish I could do the same for YOU in this matter but the acquaintance may react entirely different than I expect to suggestions I may have made. Unless you do not want to "risk" the loss of a potential friend, I still say, put the cards on the table, be direct and let the chips fall. If this party can not accept YOUR terms, you will be better off without the complication in your life.

If you NEED her help and assistance in your current situation, you may have to just accept the grief with the help.

It is very difficult to say something that "may" offend someone, especially when they have done some kind acts toward you, but honesty may be your only method of taking care of yourself and what is in your best interest. You should put yourself FIRST, before the feelings of this individual.

Like they teach in First Responders courses, you can't help anyone else if you put yourself in danger. It is NOT selfish to take care of yourself. You won't be any good to anyone if you are not taking care of yourself. A first responder can not help the injured person to whom they are responding if they injury themselves in route.

Take care of YOUR needs, emotional, too, before you take care of the feelings of this individual. You owe it to yourself. Your nature may be to help others first but resist that temptation. As they say, charity begins at home. Be charitable to yourself. Speak your mind with her as tactfully as possible. You have excellent communication skills and will be able to make your point kindly.

Those that have the most severe psych impairments are almost always the least able to effectively advocate for themselves when applying for SSI/SSDI, so I try and keep in mind that you never know someone's mental health situation when communicating online. It's incredibly stressful for anyone going through the process, let alone someone with a (potential) psych disorder.

So, I'd like to think that I don't set myself up to be taken advantage of in real life, but it happens.

I'll keep everything you and the others have written in mind, when I talk to her. I let her call go to VM yesterday, so that I'd be better prepared on how to deal with her.

Thank you again!

...sometimes people just don't know how to talk to us...maybe she was looking for something in common, ssdi? to talk about besides the crps....and just maybe she thought by taking away one symptom, which she might have more info on, might help with the big picture...

I am a poor judge of people; I think I'm a good friend and start off thinking everyone else must be too...

But I also agree that toxic friendships need to not be part of our lives....

So I wish you the best in this balancing stage you are at....