[tchr012]

Hi everyone, I have been staying away for a little while because I don't have anything positive to say or anything helpful really I am still in a lot of pain and I thought it would have eased up a little since it is week 3 but it has not and it makes me sad. My incisions are healing up but seems there is more pain and I am still not able to be in a car yet. I don't think I am going to be able to make it to my family's for Christmas because the car trip would be over an hour going there and over an hour coming back home. I have not been able to leave the house since my doctor appointment because of snow and even more so, the pain I am so sorry to come on here and whine about this but I am just frustrated. However, my husband is so sweet and is still making this a great birthday. Since we cannot go out he is making me my favorite dinner from that restaurant we usually go to and he even decorated our house and is making me a cake I am very lucky to have him, I just really wish this pain would let up but I guess its going to be awhile. I am trying to be careful too and sticking to my limitations but its still very hard to sleep at night and sometimes the pain spreads further across my back and makes it kind of hurt to breathe. Anyway, I am going to not keep posting whining posts when I know everyone else has their own lives to deal with and I am also still emailing my therapist too because of the depression. On a happy note, we are getting our place ready for Gigi's arrival so I am looking forward to that, I am hoping that the pain eases by then (even just a little) because I am sure I will have my hands full with her. She is half chihuahua and half dachshund (I am not sure if I told you all that). I need to go lay down and rest because I want to be able to enjoy my special dinner later. Hope you are all doing okay and that everyone is staying warm (if there is snow). Hope those of us that are healing are also recovering well and able to feel better soon. Take care 'sTara

[Mark56]

Hi Tara, and thank you for taking part of your precious energy to report. You are definitely going to hurt for a while. Remember, you not only had the bad stuff and scarring removed, but the new put in. Muscles had to be retracted to the side, bone had to be removed for your paddles in addition to the removal of the stuff that did not work.

I remember after fusion surgeries, that pain was like I was being pulled apart for many weeks after the surgery every time I moved. Doc said, "well, we had to scrape the muscle off of the bone, draw it back, remove bone, and such." Most of what you are probably feeling is angry muscles, and they will calm, they will calm. I am praying that they will calm and you will have peace and healing so you can get that butt buzzer going.

Remember you are one VERY STRONG LADY with a strong Jerry alongside you and, oh yes, God, too. You will pull through this. I am praying for you for sure!

Hugs z,
Mark56:hug :

[Rrae]

Oh Tara! You are SO priceless!
You never come across as 'whiney'........be easier on yourself! I mean really!
Look what you've BEEN THRU!!
There are so many 'little' things that can add up to big things when it comes to staying above that depression cloud........I'm sorta talking to 'myself' here cuz Lord knows I need it! Little things, such as, reminding yourself how far you've COME.....rather than looking at how far you still have to 'Go' in the healing process......And like Mark says, not only did you get a 'new' system put in, but you also had to get the old 'bad' stuff scraped outta there! So, you've been through a double decker here.....
Just continue reminding yourself that this is all for the purpose of you having your 'new' life...One that involves your new little 'family member'.....Gigi!
And you have a wonderful man to share your life with. You've got ambitions and goals to reach and you still have YOUTH on your side!

Surely your family understands that you are not able to travel....PLEASE don't EVEN consider it!! I know you must be going stir-crazy, but you've got US to 'talk' to ......and all your other on-line friends, and even your therapist! THAT is awesome! I wonder if I can find a therapist such as yours? I'm certainly no pro, but I DO know that the more we talk about our depression and triggers, the easier it is to stay above the darkness...it's that 'isolation' that really gets a grip......it is cunning, seductive and coy....and when we are isolated from the fellowship of others, that is when it really takes hold. Our minds can be our own worst enemies at times!
We tend to not want to 'burden' others, or to be the 'downer' of the bunch, and this leads us to putting up those walls which imprison us....and the cloud gets darker....and darker......and darrrrrrker.....

We SO enjoy hearing from you! You are precious! I can't wait to see pics of Gigi!
Please don't EVER feel like you are bringing us down.....It simply isn't possible You became one of my biggest inspirations the day you posted the picture of your walker, customized with color and personality that made the ultimate statement of strength and determination. You showed us and the campus at school that YOU are NOT gonna be cut short of who you are! It takes great strength to make a statement like that! And you did it!
You've got great reward heading your way, dear Tara......so stay on the path you know to be the right one. Each day that goes by is one day closer to being healed and whole.
You've got so much to bring to such a hurting world. We need more people like you (and Jerry! ).

THANK YOU......for being 'YOU'

Rae

[tchr012]

I am sitting here crying because of your post, and Jerry is hugging me at the same time. That was so sweet what you said and it made me feel very good inside. There are so many times when I feel useless, helpless, and behind other people my age or like I screw everything up so when people do say nice things like you guys did it really means a lot to me! Mark, I appreciate you explaining the whole surgery thing to me because now it makes more sense and I can understand why everything hurts and is angry. I keep looking at it as just they make a cut stick your leads in and send you on your way but it is much more involved and I guess I needed to be reminded of that And Rae you are so incredible and you gave me a lot of inspiration and strength too because there was a time I did want to just give in and just basically not fight anymore because it was easier keeping the bad doctors and such but you showed me that I do have reason to fight and I am so glad that I did! The depression is hard and I think mine really started getting worse after my hysterectomy. But my therapist is really great and I have been through some not so good ones either but she really gets me and seems to genuinely care about me. I was so anxious to turn 30 but really it is not so bad because I am actually moving in the right direction and have a great partner and husband by my side And you are both right that I will heal but I need to take time and I am definitely not going to do any car trips because I plan on heading back to campus in the summer a whole new woman Thank you both for making me (and Jerry) feel better about things! And of course I will post pics of Gigi when I get her Take care I need to head for bed its been a long but wonderful day 'sTara

[irljenn]

hi Tara
Just catching up on all the NT posts i missed and i am truely sorry you are in so much pain. I really do hope you start feeling some relief soon because as Mark described what your body has been put through i really did have to clench my teeth as I can only imagine how dreadful you feel.

On the positive side i also cant wait to meet Gigi when does she arrive?? also can Jerry pop over here some time? (only joking) i do have a great hubby but god Jerry sounds like he treats you like his princess which is truely wonderful and what you need. thinking and praying for you lots
xx jenna

[tchr012]

Originally Posted by irljenn

hi Tara
Just catching up on all the NT posts i missed and i am truely sorry you are in so much pain. I really do hope you start feeling some relief soon because as Mark described what your body has been put through i really did have to clench my teeth as I can only imagine how dreadful you feel.

On the positive side i also cant wait to meet Gigi when does she arrive?? also can Jerry pop over here some time? (only joking) i do have a great hubby but god Jerry sounds like he treats you like his princess which is truely wonderful and what you need. thinking and praying for you lots
xx jenna

Thanks jenna, I hope you are doing better! Your new device sounds very interesting, I need to still catch up on all your posts though but it sounds neat and I hope it helps you! I am still in a lot of pain and unable to go anywhere or do anything so I have been feeling pretty down lately. One of my friends did visit but she kinda looked uncomfortable and did not stay long but I figured it would happen. Yes, my husband is a sweetheart and I am very thankful for him! It took me going through some really bad guys to finally find my prince charming lol and he has been so great through everything. Gigi is going to my grandma's house on Christmas but since I don't get to travel, my mom and brother will bring her here to our house the next day I am very excited because I have always wanted my own puppy even though I always have fun with my mom and grandma's dogs, its just so neat that she gets to be ours! Well, take care and I will definitely post pics of her when we get her here 'sTara

[Mark56]

I am SO SORRY you are still having a lot of post surgical pain. IT WILL SUBSIDE, it will, it just seems to take SO LONG after such an invasive surgery. I know my recovery from SCS paddle implant was quicker than with fusions, it was as though they tore me apart, and it was those ANGRY tissues. I pray this will pass soon for you. You will notice day by day if you really pay attention to yourself that a little improvement will come and then a little more. It takes so much time, but it will be there.

Praying for you and Jerry,
Mark56

Tara Im so sorry you are still in pain post surgery

I too, like Mark, remember the awful pain of fusions the feeling of being hit by a train comes to mind. It was horrendous. I didnt have the paddles only the leads so I cant say what your pain is like, but If its anything like the fusions then I sympathise with you so much.

I hope you are taking some medication for the pain and hopefully that will help you somewhat.

hope you and Jerry have a wonderful Christmas and a very healthy and Happy NEW YEAR too!

Jackie

[tchr012]

Originally Posted by Jackiey

Tara Im so sorry you are still in pain post surgery

I too, like Mark, remember the awful pain of fusions the feeling of being hit by a train comes to mind. It was horrendous. I didnt have the paddles only the leads so I cant say what your pain is like, but If its anything like the fusions then I sympathise with you so much.

I hope you are taking some medication for the pain and hopefully that will help you somewhat.

hope you and Jerry have a wonderful Christmas and a very healthy and Happy NEW YEAR too!

Jackie

Jackie, Thanks for writing me and thinking about me! I hope you also have a great Christmas and happy healthy New Year! Its funny because right before surgery when I was really scared they told me oh its just going to be like when you had a part of your herniated disk removed....no it was much worse! And the staples were awful and I hope I never have to have them again! And I underestimated how big the incision would end up being and yeah the pain is bad and I am still on pain meds. I am also having an awful time trying to sleep at night because I used to sleep with my stim on and of course it is off so it takes me forever to sleep and now the battery area is starting to hurt as well I really miss having my stim on...but I know it needs to be off right now.
My mom and brother came over with my christmas presents today and spent the day with me and that cheered me up However, my mom was patting me on the back and I was like Ow, mom lol and she felt bad but it was okay. Jerry sometimes forgets too and will hug me a little too hard or accidentally yank on me and I am like Ow! I am still sad about missing my family for Christmas but we explained to everyone I am just not ready to travel or be in a car yet. And its a long trip and there is snow which makes me nervous anyway (cause of my accident).
Oh yeah, I also got some good news about my lawsuit the other day, we sent my case to the court of appeals because of that one judge's ruling against me (I talked about it before how she said I should of gotten out of MY car even tho I would of been killed by the bus) and they reversed her ruling and so now I still have a case That was great news because every time I hurt and especially since I am still scared of driving and being in a car I am reminded of that accident and it would be great if something good comes out of all this mess! I just thought I would share that I am so excited to get my puppy Mom, is sending me pics on her phone tomorrow when they get her! I need to lay down cause I am starting to ache again Take care 'sTara

[Mark56]

Why there are appellate divisions of courts and work comp and social security and the like, because errors do happen in human involvements. I am so HAPPY for you, Tara, that a bad decision was reversed on appeal for you. Hopefully there is still life to your claim and you can get the redress you deserve!!!!!

Prayin and that pain will continue to abate,
Prayin that you will be soothed,
Mark56