Eva,

Since the Vicodin seems to really be causing some nasty problems; the doctor may change script with a phone call instead of waiting until you see him. Hope you soon feel better.

Couldn't help but smile ( :-) when you mentioned pain in the "tush". My pain in the "tush" really has been pretty rough lately.

Blessings,

Gerry

Prayin those pains in the tush, Gerry and Eva, though they be different come nevertheless into prayerful awareness. Prayin the Lord bless each of you that those pains be abated, made less troublesome in full, help you to find your way through dealing with all of this, all of this.

Prayerfully

dear God
dear friends

thank you for another day
how i understand that this
man who laid his hands on
me two times luckily for him
i don't know i have a report
clearly saying my hardware
coming undone so character
is now compromised
every single day i wake up
if it's not a whole bunch of
this s**t hurts
and then the next
a whole bunch of other
things hurts like a B****H
AND YOU CRY
AND YOU TAKE YOUR
MEDICINE THAT YOU
WILL TAKE THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE
and get up day in
and day out
with pain that is in
direct site my skin
burn that i just want to
rip my skin off how can
skin hurt it does
my fingers tingle
so badly i scratch so
hard in my palms of
my hand
to hold things
and they drop from
your hands
how do i go on
loosing my life
as i knew it
just taken
bam
like that
and it gets worse
after the second one
the hope it will get better
its gotten worse
and worse
and you get up
day in
and day out
most days good for
nothing but fighting
with myself
knock it off eva
it is what it is
he didn't mean
to take my
bodily function
the simplest things
i am now forcing
my body to do
and it kicks the s**t
out of you because
why
oh i remember
i'm just down on myself
i have so many issues now
it sickens me to the core
how do i forgive
dear God
you know my heart
i am so sad
it has affected all around me
my concerns requires me
to be physically capable
i can't make it to the bathroom
in time
to void number one
i have loosing the ability
and ladies the kegel has nothing
to do with it
how
how
Gerry my sweet friend Ger
i believe you have captured
a understanding from your
child and heed much of
understanding the level of
this horrible
and i'm sorry your situation
is giving you a grief unnecessary
i am yearning to be happy
i must be hurting people
even when my bedroom door
is closed
in prayer i ask you God
hear our prayers
help me
i need to forgive
i have to forgive
i live for pain that
riddles this body
and it grows from where
it all started and more
than my physical condition
it is now my mental state too
it was three years ago i got
all changed as i knew it
and it affected Corissa
i drove her to and from school
everyday since taking the school bus
and many other changes
surgery and surgery and surgery
and mommy not the same
sees now as the advantages
opened up a whole bunch of
cans of worms to open up
to soon
and a backside of a father
and now we are where we are
it is not a good thing to say to
your child kindly stop giving added
grief she knows how her grades went
from an A&B student so with that said
we began using the method where she
gets her homework assignments signed
i get to see the homework i then sign it
not working excuses excuses she really
has no life other than school where she
is obviously doing her socializing
and she has permission to have sleep
overs even though i never allowed that
with my adult children when they were
her age
so it did a number on her for sure
regardless she does have an *****
of a father it is what it is
something just hasn't been right
my chest has been bothering me
winded heaviness and i just don't
know what it is
though i am certain it
has a whole bunch of STRESS
I PUT ON MYSELF
just to add for the f**k of it
i don't think so
i am now struggling on a mental
level
and then my spiritually constantly
being tested doing the right thing
at the expense of my sense of life
has been robbed
i have to have faith
faith is the truth of the unknown
not fearing it's all in the plan ya see
i don't know what it's not like to
struggle
as God only knows
i don't like where i am
this too you know dear
Lord
i don't want to die
i just don't want to feel
this anymore the change
is within ME
only i can change what
i can
it will always hurt
some days less than
others
never did i ever think i
would ask God just
let me sleep why wake up
if i'm good for nothing
i don't live as when my pain
wakes me i cry i have to finish this
please i want to forgive him
but then i cry
it's driving me
CRAZY
i need to be
HAPPY
where is it
where did it go

someone who cares
who hurts
dear God
hear our prayers
as your WILL be
DONE

praying for you,praying for you, praying for you

as i no you are
as i for you and all
the biggest picture is
GOD
AMEN!

Eva,
A while back, listened to a beautiful homily about "fear". There is so much more to this; but ended with ......"if we know fear.....it is Not from God".

You are being tested beyond all reasoning. Now, as if the pain were not enough, and you still show your love of God; your mental state is being tested. You are wise enough to know who is doing his best to take control in the hope of having you turn away from God.

He evidentially does not understand; you will not give the "deceiver" control over you. He cannot have you. You are a child of God and will remain so in spite of the one who deceives.

Jesus I Trust In You,

Gerry

dear God
dearest friends

thank you for another day

when i get all frazzled
no place to run hide
be alone to run when
my doctors on not on
the same page
to tired
still check in
i'll explain about the meds
doctors not in agreement
it makes me nuts
dear God bless this family
with doctors that are
knowledgeable
too much has gone wrong
too scared

with lots of love
and prayers to all
20 days till spring

that someone who cares

The good Lord Bless you and keep you
make His face to shine upon you
lift His countenance upon you
and bless you with peace
and managed pain
through all things and all times

dear God
dear friends

thank you for another day

to all who understand depression
i am chiming in to bring you best
news in a long time

first a visit from Sam
i am honored
have pic will get them up
with others

Sir Oliver will be visiting
till next Sunday
laying with me now

and Eva is going to
get to get used to him
and help get his food ready
you all know i'm a happy
mommy

will come back
and share
way to much going on

wishing all a bright
day tomorrow
i anticipate
fun

GOD BLESS
thy will be done

someone who cares

dear God
dear friends

thank you for this day

after i cleaned up after Sir Oliver
he is set up in my room
gate up
a emergency purchase
it was needed with Eva
blessed i feel blessed
looking in my dogs eyes
was beautiful
so his skin was dry
i lathered him up with
j&j baby lotion
the old school pink bottle
and gave him a massage
washed his beautiful face
blessed am i
i missed him so much
i went out and got eva
as she is in la la land
asked for him first thing
when she got up
brought her in my room
and oh my goodness
" preciousness " oozing
out of eva
sitting on my lap
the baby now nearing toddler
was beside herself
so thankful i brought her in
oliver was very good
he is a pure breed Australian
Silky Terrier
after a bit Chrissy
and myself the dog
and it was great
he is best one on one
with the baby
blessed
did not come without lip
from management
shut them up quickly
knowing i could have a dog
solely on my depressive state
not a word
then i said i rather not go there
and my daughter could not afford
the doggy facilities
and i haven't had a chance to really
visit
the last couple of times never
something always came up and
i couldn't see him
so i did the right thing
took in my family and am having
a great time
didn't get lip from
management

i should be hearing from Ms. Lynch
Corissa's guidance councilor

her father must be developing a conciseness
after the messages i was forced to leave
asking him to please save them
she doesn't go in and read what my feelings are
we talk about it
she has just been told some things
she did not need to know
but it was the truth
and the messages left was always with
Corissa and Christine to hear what
needed to be said
since these past two weeks
he refuses to speak with me
so he seems to think Corissa is old
enough to make her on decisions
and i agree to a point
as a parent we do things very differently
so being the mom a mom that gives a darn
as my older one can tell her how it was with them
blessed i am she is the only good thing he could
have given it is what it is I wanted her AMEN AMEN AMEN

my physical being is what it is also
the scary thing is my back
doctor Peterson asked if i wanted to do the
lower back, also i told him one thing at a time
neck was priority
that was over 3 years ago
trying and praying that i can forgive

blessed this apartment
at a time i couldn't work
any more
this apartment market
rate is close to 2,500.00
and a HUD building
Housing Urban Development
federal funded
and into the hands of
some crooks
yet i am blessed
standing in the truth
it has NEVER LET ME DOWN

to my friends following my meds
back to what i have been on
oxycontin, zenflex and perc
xanx ans lexpro, latter two from my
shrink he does not want me to take
the new drug my pain specialist
wants me to try NORTRIPTYLINE HCL 25 MG

to that very special someone who is an inspiration
to everyone you touch your diversities you have met
unbeknownst as the cards dealt many with the same
hand and at that point we decide how to play it or decide
to cop out i am blessed to know many you especially along
with another beautiful friend who is as wise as you left with
permanent change as we all suffer is another who inspires
know you have made a difference in me and the world
my thanks


dear Lord watch over my babies

someone who cares
forever