good day all

yesterday i decided to different projects
things that i would do
like change things up a little
projects that needed tending to
i moved in march of this year
45 days before my 2nd surgery
i like a well kept home
love doing things that make me feel good
well what a mistake
am i paying for it
all i want to do is surrender
just take me already
it frustrates me not being able to be me
my pain took over
and that was it
i had at one point
dropped everything
and dropped myself
cried the whole time trying to accomplish
things i love doing
can you just picture it
crying over everything i'm doing
got up this morning
and will finish what i started
and i already cried enough for the whole day
but determined i am
no one can tell me otherwise
i was never ever in this much pain
my doctor may have just made things worse
because today i live with new pain that i felt
directly after the surgeries
and i have waited for years just
hoping for a better outcome
compliant all the way
my decorating should not be as painful
but was i wrong
i'm expected to do a simple task
whats going to happen when i go back to work
well as i wait for meds to kick in
thought i would share
and express how it just sucks
not being able a simple task
like getting up and just do
whatever it ma be
going to the bathroom is a task
a simple thing everyone must do
hoping i'll be able to move
while listening to the rolling stones
great way getting started
wish all a productive day
cat scan is next week
lets see what's going on
as my doctor puts it
he says he can't answer any of my questions
till the test
i just think he full of it
and is having a hard time accepting
that this patient was a failure
you know how doctors like
winning
have a great day
as i shall try
lots of wishful dreams
that do come true

It is a shame that we can't do things the way we could before, a lot of us on here have had to modify simple everyday tasks, find new ways of doing things we have done our whole lives, but unfortunately that is the way it is. I cannot do a lot of my hobbies like before, painting, kayaking, scuba diving, but I try to focus on the things I can still do, and that makes me grateful. Today we went for a hike in one of our national parks, the weather is cool, crisp and sunny, and the fall leaves are blooming with color, and at least I can still walk and hike! Although this evening I am suffering with extra aches and pains because of all the activity and looking around (and up at the trees) but it was worth it to get outside and enjoy the great fall weather. You still need to live! Just do it slowly! Lol

Don't think of yourself as a failure just because the surgery didn't go as expected, there are a lot of us that are not out of pain after surgery, and I think we are all strong for enduring what we have.

Try to do things on a smaller scale so your don't hurt so much, or modify things, my physiotherapist actually "showed" me how to clean my house with proper posture for a neck fusion, showed me how to exercise without hurting my neck, everything we do has to be altered somewhat because of our neck issues. Perhaps you would benefit from a good physiotherapist showing you some alternatives and helping you with pain? Mine is awesome, even gets down on the floor and shows me how I should be picking up laundry differently.

Hope tonight is better for you... Chin up girl!

dear cath

thank you for reminding me
putting it in prospective
does certainly helps greatly
i do have many, many things that
remind me being be humble eva
like yourself just watching the leaves
change into beautiful vibrant colors
that inspire us
i'm so happy that you
enjoy the beauty in the world
the beauty in your heart
that reaches out and reminds
someone like myself that
has ocd
constantly battling that in itself
is a pain in the neck
thank you so much for reminding me
just slow down it's not going anywhere
i am blessed and am able being on the 16th floor
west side of the building
the sunset make me cry with such beauty
i stop and watch with my 13 year old
sometimes she calls me in the living room
and watch together
your hobbies are something are wonderful
something that had to hurt burring
but replaced with others
you as many others understand
the other kind of pain we suffer with
along with the physical stuff
i do have a doctor i talk with faithfully
he does help in many ways
reminds me we are all not the same
but we all need love, a hug, someone who would just listen
really listen
that you have given me
thank you so much for that
funny you mention laundry
something i truly enjoy doing
i guess it's a ritual thing
have not been able to do
so i get things all set up for my angel
well trial and error is how we learn
she does a great job
minus my two coverlets by accident of course
two different occasions beach stains
poor thing was so nervous telling me
all is fine gave us reason to do this online shopping
it was great
so we talked about mom doing the laundry that
needs bleaching
and they are lying neatly ready for me to fold today
cath, i find it so difficult getting out of the apt.
something i need in my life
can't drive, pay insurance for what
it sits in the parking space waiting for me
i believe you understand just the process
of getting ready drains me and i just get in
a terrible mood because it takes so darn long
i've stopped wearing a bra what a pain
in the neck lol
but on a serious note tomorrow
is my appointment with the doctor
that will be removing the lump i found
right breast 3:00 area
i put it in gods hands
remind myself it is what it is
and am grateful i have my mammos
every year
only i put this year off by 4 months
with everything else that is going on
ya know that pain in the neck thing
anyhow my eldest sara my poet will be with me
so i will have someone to lean on
next week cat scan checking how fusing is coming along
until then i'll remember "take it slower"
it is now what it is
your awesome
hope you never stop enjoying
the beautiful colors
beautiful colors come from you

be well

p.s. got a call from my place of employment explaining that i shall receive letter
retracting my insurance status it is back in effect.

with lots love and even more HUGS
THANK YOU

Hi Eva,

You are more then welcome, everyone needs a friend to listen and remind us of how beautiful the simple things in life can be. I try throughout my day to stop and focus on something that is beautiful or serene, I just pause and take a moment or two to reflect on something with positive energy. Looking outside my kitchen window and watching a squirrel jumping around the backyard through the leaves looking for a effect using spot for that nut (in my fresh mulch I might add.. Lol... But that's ok). Anything that can redirect your negative thoughts and the pain and focus on something that is good, relaxing, or beautiful.

Other thing that works for me when I get too damn frustrated with all the things I can't do by myself, or struggle to do at all, is meditate. I have some great meditation sounds (available on cd and some free to download off the internet) put the music on and focus only on my breathing, meditation is great for the body as well as the mind and soul. I meditate everyday, even if it's only for 5 mins while I'm laying in bed. If you don't already do that, try it, you would be surprised how much better you feel for taking aces moments just to heal your mind. There are lots of books on meditation, and it's so so easy.

Hope you are doing a bit better today. I was wondering, do you ago to physiotherapy at all? It really helped me, even if it's as simple as correcting your posture, they can help with so much.

On a side note.... I'm getting myself a new kaitten on Friday! I am so excited. My husband is allergic to cats, so I've never been able to have one since we have been together, and I really miss having one. So I have been searching for a sphynx breeder (hairless cat) and found one in my area that had kittens for sale. I met with her on Monday and picked out an adorable female sphinx that is 16 weeks old. First we had to spend 45 mins playing with all the kittens and cats to make sure hubby wasn't going to puff out with allergies.. Lol... But no allergic reaction, so I gave her a deposit and I get to pick her up Friday! This is a very special breed of cats, they need to be bathed once a week, since they have no hair their skin accumulates oil and they get dirty, so they actually let you bath them, just like a dog. She is going to show me how to bath her, clean her ears and clip her nails on Friday before I take her home. A I'm so excited, like a kid at Christmas! She will be a great companion for me when I'm home alone and hubby is working. I named her Kharma.

Well, I've babbled on enough, have a great night my dear.
Cathie

dear cathie,

yaaaaaaay
i'm sooooo happy for you
my daughter just purchased me a what is called a
web camera
she got it so i could see my baby
oliver silky terrier
and oh how i miss my baby boy
i'm so happy you'll have kharma to love
not that hubby doesn't cover that lol
will be great just snuggling
unconditional everything
the talks you'll have both ears
at attention
with them eyes just looking as you
talk away, i just love it

i do have many books on self help
i'm reading "the four agreements" by
don miguel ruiz
a toltec wisdom book
great read

there are a few doctors
i am seeing with other problems
in womens forum
dentist oh just shoot me
my mouth is in great shape
see him every 6 months
except these past surgeries
put him on the back burner
it is time to go
said he will work with me
however i'm comfortable

my surgeon on the other hand
has not been cooperative
unable to explain
or i feel rather not tell me truthfully
whats really going on
i will have to do something soon
getting answers to my questions
like he is unable to explain
what happened to the whole left arm
there are days i say just take it off
that wasn't the case before
i learned using my left arm as i'm a right handed person
now both screwed up
now left more than right
we'll see
sending me for cat-scan
for how my fusing is coming along
i would love to entertain acupuncture
my insurance does not cover
PAIN IN THE NECK WITH ADDITIONAL ? (never a problem before)

WILL GET ANSWERS SOMEHOW

i'll keep in touch

soooo happy for you!!!!!