i don't know if i'm getting depressed or what.

i thought it was sleep deprivation. my sleep has been all over the map which per se is common, but i was trying to restore a day schedule, so getting less sleep. i've been more and more tired, and drinking more coffee with less and less effect. but i haven't been THAT short on sleep, either! (Today, no coffee because i was upset and slightly agitated.)

i am tapering a benzo. i know that could cause some anxiety tenseness. perhaps some emotional stuff. but it seems unlikely it would cause all this. i am tapering very slowly, and it's a long acting drug.

i am so sensitive to everything, and today i broke down and cried and cried after one tiny incident. i am barely enjoying "recreational" things that i do - even really passive things like a couple favorite tv shows. i still watch but blithely. then, i get real emotional at every nuance (good or bad... no matter.) but i am getting more and more impervious to humor.

after today, it really seems like i am heading down a depression hole. i don't really want to go on antidepressants again - well, last resort. considering some "softer" alternatives ... if i can only get myself to the pharmacy! today i just cried and slept.

i am not suicidal but can't seem to get any sort of act together. i was in the process of trying to get into a class, one that will help make me more marketable for employment again. and now, i can't seem to take even the tiniest steps to gathering the documentation i need.

i don't feel like i can do the whole "suck the marrow out of life" thing. i feel hopeless and lost. i feel like life is sucking the marrow out of me.

~ waves ~