So, my mom committed suicide, and my past husbands have called me "psycho"... my kids say I run in "slow motion" and I have always been good at hiding it.. but I am depressed. I am the second.. but only girl of a bi-polar mom, alcoholic dad. Always "responsible"... took care of the boys. Made sure dinner was on the table, held it together for mom when she couldn't. Reminded the brothers to call her on her birthday, mothers day, and significan't anniversaries, like Grandma's death anniversary, blah blah blah. If not, mom would drink a bottle of wine and call me to complain about how mizerable her life was.

Now my kids are grown. Mom shot herself 7 years ago, just 3 weeks before my teenage daughter had a baby. Then my husband (second husband) kicked out my daughter and the baby because she was "mouthy" to him after he called her a fat as* ungrateful little B*tC@. I never EVER said curse words to my children... So now I had lost my mom, my two daughters, and my granddaughter. I was devastated. Went into a depression, and my husband found himself a new girlfriend.

We divorced. My older daughter became a meth addict. (not the one with the baby, the other one). The one with the baby went back to live with her father and his 22 year old wife. (My daughter was then 16)!!!

I rented a cottage from my brother and tried to keep a job. I have a Masters Degree in Business Management. I couldn't even keep his plumbing business going. I tried to work for three other companies before I finally got so sick with Peripheral Neuropathy that I blamed it on that.

Now, it's seven years after my mom's suicide... six years after my divorce, I've been through five jobs, and I'm still depressed. I still cry at least three times a week and I still have Peripheral Neuropathy. I stay in bed as much as possible. I have tried church, I have tried having boyfriends, I have tried faking my way out of it, nothing works.

I am a people pleaser... so when I go to a doctor... I don't want to complain! I tell them I can fix this! I can exercise my way out of it! I can eat healthy and walk every day... but I don't. I am about to lose my job AGAIN.

Before my mom died... I held jobs for 12 years, another for 8 years... I was "Employee of the year" I got promotions mid year, I always received "Exceeds Requirements" reviews... What the hell has happened to me? I am not a cry baby, I am not a whiner... I have always been the one to keep it together and pull everyone else along. Now, I can't even get myself out of bed 5 days in a row to go to work! I am disgusted with myself. How do I handle this? What do I say to the doctor? I have an appointment on Wednesday and I am so overwhelmed.

I won't committ suicide because my mom did that to me... I would NEVER do that to my kids... but, I would LOVE to spend the rest of my life in bed, sleeping! Then.... about once a month, I'll get out of bed and want to spend the whole weekend gardening... or cleaning. I hate my job... I don't want to be around people, but I could stay home and do all the work at the house that needs to be done.

Any advice? What do I tell the doctor?

I've been hanging on the Peripheral Neuropathy site for a long time... I live in pain every day... but I have never admitted my depression until now.

I remember you from years ago SeamsLike and I'm sorry that nothing has improved for you. Like you, I could never put my family through another suicide but unlike you, I don't live with PN. I'm wondering if you didn't grief "properly" over your Mothers suicide. You had so much else going on in your life at that time....did you go to a support group? Talk to people about it (besides your jerk of a husband)?

I used to be a people pleaser too but got over it. You MUST tell your dr. the truth about your depression so he/she can help you. It doesn't mean you're weak but people cannot help you if they don't know how you feel.
Depression is a beast...a deadly one.

If you can't say the words, write them out and hand it over to the professionals. Now I have a dr. that really listens to what I am telling her and she works with me until we find a solution to whatever medical problem I am having ...ie, not sleeping.

I'm glad you came back here to talk to us....please, keep talking.

Hi! Depression is a highly treatable condition. Ask and insist on help from your doctor. The time is now for you. Doctors can only treat what they know about and as patients it is our job to give them the information that they need to help us. I have RSD and depression, and how you are living your life right now sounds like all the classic symptoms of depression. When you combine that with living everyday in unrelenting pain, both physical and emotional, it can get beyond the point where you can handle it on your own. There is no shame in asking for help, so be strong and do what you need to do so you can have a better life. You deserve it!! You have earned it!! When you learn to love you and accept you, then you can fix other problems. My prayers are with you, you have touched my heart. Lisa

Hey SeemsLike,

Wow! You are courageous to write here.
I am so glad you did write. Nice job!
PN stinks. I am on that forum, too.
It's painful stuff.
Yet, the other events in your life are much more painful, I'd imagine.
When combined, it must feel like the pain never ends.

I am glad you have resolved to not commit suicide.
I am deeply sorry for the losses you have endured.
Yet, you have endured.

I do understand some of your pain.
I had a parent resort to suicide.
That was incredibly painful. I am this was deeply painful to you, too.
I had resoved to never do the same, just as you have.
Many of us have this resolution in common here.

I am so glad you are joining me/us in keeping the resolution to choose life.
Depression ends at some point. Life will feel better. It may not seem like it just now, yet it will get more rewarding, more enjoyable.

Just tell the doctor what you have said here.
You've done a great job here.

You could print your post and give it to the doctor to start the conversation....or use it to guide yourself in your talk?

Please let us know how you are doing?
I'll be praying for you!

With Lots of Hope for You and Your Future!
~DejaVu

Hello SeamsLike

My dear lady you sound like you are really go through a bad time, and i sincerely send you positive thoughts.

Depression is a Cancer in all but name....if allowed to it spreads from the mind to the body....and comes out in all sorts of physical ways. It is dibilitating and very cruel in the way it isolates its victim.....Depression destroys self confidence and encourages introspective thinking. It kids us into believing that if we stay quiet about it it will go away on its own. In this is the answer? it does not always go away.....it can worsen into clinical depression that then requires medical intervention.

Whether it be through medication or talk therapy, severe depression will last a lot longer if untreated or undiagnosed.

How do i know this?......because i suffer with this evil illness. I too have BP... And only this last week have gone back on medication after a year away from it.
Why? because all the signs were there that told me to go and TALK TO MY DOCTOR.

Over the years i have learned one thing about depression....and that is I KNOW when i need to ask for help......it may take me longer to ask than my family may think....but i know when its right for me.

you have suffered a great deal of emotional trauma these past seven years, my friend.

Its time to talk it through with someone [ but you probably already know that yourself....and like me..you will ultimately know when to start talking to those you know can help you]

Please always remember that we live the life we live.........your mothers death was part of her life........your ex-husbands life will undoubtably be part of his future. [you reap what you sow].....and your daughter's addiction is part of her ilfe, and sadly only SHE can alter that life choice ...NO-ONE ELSE [not even you as her mother]

Good luck with your visit to the doctor...... [rember this is not a dress-rehersal we get one crack at this life.... if you can get help to fix the cracks ...then get it...this life is one hell of a bumpy ride and more cracks will inevitably appear along the way]

my thoughts are with you on this torid journey you are taking.

David

Good Morning, SeamsLike

I have been thinking of you, as I'd retired last night after reading your note.
I'd awakend this AM, thinking about what is important in life (again).
I'd grabbed a coffee and came to see how you are doing.

I was glad to see David's note this AM!
David has done a great job, again!
He has mentioned an area that was coming to mind for me, too, after reading your post last night. This is the fact that it is now time for YOU!

It sounds like you have been the "rock" for others for a lifetime.
You have had an open, giving, compassionate heart.
When we have given many years, even a lifetime, of supporting others, we silently hope some of that support will be returned to us by some of those we have supported in the past... should we ever need the support.

When you have given so much and people have been happy to take so much (or to need so much), sometimes we get depleted. Once we , ourselves, need support, love, encouragement... where are those people we have always supported? If we can tell them our situation and our need for support, some may be able to reach out to help. Do any of your loved ones know you need support?

Sometimes, no matter what we relate, and how clearly, some others cannot make the shift from being "needy," in order to lend mutual support. This can feel deeply disheartening, and may even feel like a deep betrayal. (Often, this may feel like yet another betrayal.)
If any of this is a part of what may be going on for you, please remember this: When others fail to respond, it is not a reflection upon us and is not an indicator of our worth. It is simply an indicator of their very own limitations.

Sometimes we have to move forward and give up the hope they might be there for us. Sometimes that hope, without clear evidence they have the capacity to show mutual love and support, may keep us stuck in a pattern of rarely getting our own needs met.

Often, the bigger question becomes: Can we be there for ourselves, even if it feels like "they" are not? Can we value ourselves and our own life, regardless of their response? Can we find meaning in our lives, if it is not anchored in others?

It's great to have support during trying times. Sometimes we can find support, sometimes we cannot. Shout out anyway! Many will hear and will reach out according to their ability.

If you are so inclined, reach out spiritually, as well. This is often key for many people. These challneges also present an opportunity for growth in the spiritual parts of our lives, as well!

This is a tall order to fill sometimes. It's definitely a bigger challenge when we are dealing with a chronic and a painful physical condition that also challenges us.
At these times, we often reach what's often referred to as "the dark night of the soul." How to triumph over this, as it often feels like an insurmountable challenge? Although this "dark night of the soul" is usually a very painful place to be, it implies we have a bright, sunny daybreak ahead!

(I can tell you that every "dark night" I have ever faced...even the very, very darkest and longest...were followed with new strength, new insights, new perspective and an overall brighter outlook. This has been the case, even when I'd thought I'd never make it through the darkness.)

Our brain chemistry (and possibly some thought patterns) are supporting our resignation during this challenge. There's no timeline on the resolution of all of the relationships you have been grieving. You write about events with high potential for major and multiple grief reactions. If we reach deep within ourselves, as you have, we may find other thoughts and passions that cause us to rethink the part about resigning. Hold onto those thoughts, those beliefs, those passions!

Our feelings are simply feelings. They can shape our sense of reality. At the same time, we know that if we can alter our feelings, our viewpoint ... and our reality somehow changes.

Thus.... we can hold on, while finding a successful method to changing our feelings, which may alter our perceptions and our sense of reality... for the better.
It is a simple shift we need to somehow "effect."
Often, a slight shift is enough to give us a sense that we are standing on more solid ground. More shifts will follow...and we eventually climb all of the way out of the abyss.

By opening up here, we hear your shouts from the abyss. We are shining our lights upon you and your situation, in order to see as clearly as we can into your needs...and to let you know we hear you and we do care. We are throwing ropes to you, communicating with you, hoping you can hear us and also hoping you will feel supported in finding your way out of this isolative sense of darkness. You are using your tools to work your way out of this, too!

It is true, there are limits to what we can do in response to your situation. Many of us wish we could do more than we truly can. Yet, we are responding and we do care. We are encouraging you to continue pursuing whatever YOU need, whatever truly helps YOU, whatever will ultimately give you a renewed sense of life, complete with some real joy again! This will take time; yet, it can be done. You are worth whatever it takes.

If it resonates with you to do so, please also consider reading and/or asking for support in the spiritual forum. (I do not want to force my own spiritual inclinations upon you if they do not resonate with you. This is aboout YOU...and what feels helpful to YOU!)

We are here for you and... It is YOUR turn in life.... YOUR turn to have your needs met... YOUR turn to be the priority... YOUR turn to once again find joy in your life!

I hope we may help in some small way.

Many understand and lend support to you!

Keep your heart open to the possibilities!

May you feel unconditional love surrounding you, uplifting you and encouraging you.

You are in my thoughts and in my prayers.
~DejaVu

your post was such a perfect example of support that I had to put it "upstairs" so I'll know where to find it when it's needed again. ty...

Hi Alffe!

I am surprised; yet, happy this feels "supportive."
I hope it feels supportive to SeamsLike.

Alffe, you do a wonderful job here!
Everyone does a wonderful job here!

Please feel free to use the post in any way that helps.
I don't claim ownership, the post simply flowed through me after praying for SeamsLike and asking God to tell me what to write to her this morning.

With Lots of Love to All!
~DejaVu

Dear SeamsLike,
Still thinking of you and lending support.
With Concern and Understanding,
~DejaVu

I have my Dr. appt tomorrow... he cancelled on me and I re-scheduled with a different doctor.

Deja, your post was incredible! Actually, I have become much more spiritual in the last six months. I was baptized on Easter. I have started reading the Bible, learning more about Christianity and have converted from Catholic to Christian which was an incredibly hard decision to make, even though I haven't been a "practicing" catholic since I was about 10 years old! It just felt like I was betraying my family. However, now that I have joined the small Christian church in our neighborhood, I am actually "reading" the bible. I am actually "learning" about God and Jesus. Hmmmm... what a reality check I'm going through!

I am also learning to accept that it's O.K. to have a chemical imbalance that is inherited from my mom's side of the family. My mom's sister, mother, and aunts, were all hospitalized for depression. They were all medicated, some received electric shock therapy, and one even underwent a lobotomy to "help" her. I guess I have been so traumatized by all the horror stories of the women in my family and them becoming "dummies" because of their medication and treatments that I refused to believe I had inherited that DNA.

I moved away at 19, I stayed away from my mom and pretended I didn't belong to that "crazy" side of the family. However, after 3 failed marriages and many years of doubting my own ability to be "normal"... I have to admit that I battle depression.

Now that it has created such pain (physically and emotionally) in me, I am giving up and admitting that I need help. I was always the one who was the "strong" one... my mom told me for years over the phone, "You are the scrapper... you are the tough one, you never let things get you down... keep fighting for what you need... don't be a cry baby." She had me convinced that I was the strongest one in the family. I would never get caught up in the "Depression" net.

I've been so tough... so angry, so strong, and never let them see me cry. That now, it's eating me up inside, literally.

Thank you all for giving me a place to vent. A place to come and whine. It goes against everything I have ever been taught... to whine. To complain, to let my negative feelings come out. To ask for help puts you in a position of vulnerability. If you ask for help, then you owe someone. If you ask for help, they then have control over you. Not having my independence or ability to come and go as I please is the biggest fear I have. Having to ask someone for money, or to take me somewhere, is giving them power over me. Giving someone power over me is a very scary place to be. I don't trust anyone enough to give them power over me.

Wow, that is a HUGE revelation! I just discovered why I am scared to admit I am depressed. I don't want to be medicated and not have my full faculties about me, because I don't want to give anyone control over me, because I don't trust anyone enough to take care of me.

There is ABSOLUTELY NO ONE in my life I would trust to take care of me if I were incapacitated! My daughters are too wrapped up in their own lives to really care about me. I have no man in my life. I have no sisters, my brothers are married and live out of state. My parents are both dead.

Hmmmm.... Now, we know why I refuse to admit I am depressed or sick! No medication to slow me down or let someone else take care of me. I've always taken care of others. My mom, my brothers, my daughters, my granddaughter, my ex-husbands. NO ONE has ever taken care of me. Not even after surgery or having my wisdom teeth out... never. Not after having my children... Never.... I've always been independent! I've had broken shoulders, not been able to walk due to my Neuropathy, had bladder surgery with a 6 month old and a 2 year old, NEVER had help! Mom was too self absorbed, and brothers were gone. Wow, this is a reality check!

Over the last few months, I have had days where I just don't get out of bed. I just send an email from my Blackberry to work, I'm not feeling well, and I sleep, all day, get up and eat some dinner, then sleep all night. until the next day again.

I just want to quit. I just want to stop. I just want to take my toys and go home! I'm just so tired! I don't want to play the game any more. I want to lie in bed, watch T.V., read the Bible, drink iced tea, snuggle with my granddaughter, knit a hat, and take a nap.

Thank you all for caring. Thank you all for listening! Thank you all for hugging me!