[July63]

today I went to work. I had a cold during the weekend and my lower back ached, so, most of the weekend, I was with the poodle in bed.

Work went okay, I did the report I had to do (told me a little over an hour) then I just playing on the interwebs. I did email my TBI doctor this morning and she hadn't answered yet. One thing I asked the doctor is how did the concussion change my personality so much? I played high school football, I was a military policeman, and now my life is sitting on my chair with my dog on my lap. Where did I go wrong?

I know, its another July63 whine and cheese feast, but I am sick of being this way.

Did I say ugh

[July63]

I have been reading through these forums tonight, and part of my thinks I may be malingering? Yes, I have tried twice with pills and failed, but if I was going to end it, why would I be on the forums, why would I make this stuff public, it seems I am like looking for attention. I don't know what I am doing. I know at times I ask myself how many pills can I swallow before I throw up or pass out, then at other times I am like, "What the f* am I thinking, I don't want to do anything, cause, well, it would hurt. I watched a video last night of a guy who hung himself in his living room (I searched for it but I don't think I should give out the website I found it on) and the guy turned purple really fast, but from what I saw, it was fast. It made me think about it. If was scary, but so fast. Would it be faster than pills. Then I think, am I just looking for attention. I tell my doctors how i feel, I don't get indepth but I do mention it, and they think I am fine.

Ugh to a ramble, sorry guys, for some reason this is what came from my fingers.

[Addy]

I hope that your doctor(s) take you very seriously - you are not fine if you are having suicidal thoughts. Your doctor should not even let you leave his/her office without making sure they are addressing the suicidal thoughts with both medication and therapy.

Thank you for not sharing the website that you found about hanging. Many of us here have all suffered losses and/or tried or been suicidal... it would be very hurtful to be graphic about it and I appreciate that you made a decision not to show us. It seems your mind is playing tricks on you... and you are going to an unhealthy place because you're thinking about it. Please share this with your doctor.