[SeamsLikeStitches]

So, my mom committed suicide, and my past husbands have called me "psycho"... my kids say I run in "slow motion" and I have always been good at hiding it.. but I am depressed. I am the second.. but only girl of a bi-polar mom, alcoholic dad. Always "responsible"... took care of the boys. Made sure dinner was on the table, held it together for mom when she couldn't. Reminded the brothers to call her on her birthday, mothers day, and significan't anniversaries, like Grandma's death anniversary, blah blah blah. If not, mom would drink a bottle of wine and call me to complain about how mizerable her life was.

Now my kids are grown. Mom shot herself 7 years ago, just 3 weeks before my teenage daughter had a baby. Then my husband (second husband) kicked out my daughter and the baby because she was "mouthy" to him after he called her a fat as* ungrateful little B*tC@. I never EVER said curse words to my children... So now I had lost my mom, my two daughters, and my granddaughter. I was devastated. Went into a depression, and my husband found himself a new girlfriend.

We divorced. My older daughter became a meth addict. (not the one with the baby, the other one). The one with the baby went back to live with her father and his 22 year old wife. (My daughter was then 16)!!!

I rented a cottage from my brother and tried to keep a job. I have a Masters Degree in Business Management. I couldn't even keep his plumbing business going. I tried to work for three other companies before I finally got so sick with Peripheral Neuropathy that I blamed it on that.

Now, it's seven years after my mom's suicide... six years after my divorce, I've been through five jobs, and I'm still depressed. I still cry at least three times a week and I still have Peripheral Neuropathy. I stay in bed as much as possible. I have tried church, I have tried having boyfriends, I have tried faking my way out of it, nothing works.

I am a people pleaser... so when I go to a doctor... I don't want to complain! I tell them I can fix this! I can exercise my way out of it! I can eat healthy and walk every day... but I don't. I am about to lose my job AGAIN.

Before my mom died... I held jobs for 12 years, another for 8 years... I was "Employee of the year" I got promotions mid year, I always received "Exceeds Requirements" reviews... What the hell has happened to me? I am not a cry baby, I am not a whiner... I have always been the one to keep it together and pull everyone else along. Now, I can't even get myself out of bed 5 days in a row to go to work! I am disgusted with myself. How do I handle this? What do I say to the doctor? I have an appointment on Wednesday and I am so overwhelmed.

I won't committ suicide because my mom did that to me... I would NEVER do that to my kids... but, I would LOVE to spend the rest of my life in bed, sleeping! Then.... about once a month, I'll get out of bed and want to spend the whole weekend gardening... or cleaning. I hate my job... I don't want to be around people, but I could stay home and do all the work at the house that needs to be done.

Any advice? What do I tell the doctor?

I've been hanging on the Peripheral Neuropathy site for a long time... I live in pain every day... but I have never admitted my depression until now.