First, i want to thank my friends here for trying to keep in touch with me. About a year ago, my meds were changed due to the pharmaceutical company stopping production of the meds that I was taking. My pharmacist talked with my oncologist's nursing staff to work out something that would be comparable to the pain meds that I'd been taking for years. A few months later, someone made an error in the prescription, and I was getting double the dose of demerol! This caused me to have several seizures that led to ambulance trips to my local ER, but no one ever figured out that the problems were likely due to the double dose of narcotics, and I never spoke up about the error made with the prescription . . .

I have been fighting the suicidal thoughts for some months now. Several months ago, I began shutting out all of my few friends who knew of my problems. Now, I am just trying to sit on my hands to give me just another day to live and to try to find a reason to survive.

I'm so sorry that I have failed my friends here -- I haven't responded to you, haven't even been back to this site, haven't answered e-mails or answered my phone. Please know that each time that any of you have reached out to me to help, to love, to care about me has made the difference between my giving up or my trying to survive. Thank you for caring about me.

I'm not sure how to go about getting out of this current mess because I am so addicted to the pain narcotics, but I still recognize that this isn't a life that I want to live. I don't know what to do, but I will have to make a decision on Monday. I will be grateful for your prayers that I find the strength to confront my problems.

reyn