Blue,

I also understand not wanting to wake up, I really do.
But remember I told you once, If all you can do is get through the next second, thats all you have to do.................and remeber come here to get our help and support, cos we all love you....
I wish there some words I could say to make it all better, but I know there isn't
take care my friend
Kate

Oh Blue, my long lost twin, even if I don't feel like posting my feelings, I can always just point to yours and say "what she said."

Yes, the bad people of the world always seem to be happy, and do you know why? It's because they are selfish and shallow, they take whatever they want without regard for others, they would stab their mothers in the back if the price was right. They have no conscience or morals, and they gain happiness at the expence of others.

But the cost of these actions is a person's soul.

The good people of the world, (otherwise known as this forum), are not willing to trade someone else's happiness for their own. They gain fulfillment through love and compassion, which is much more difficult then the selfish way, and therefore is harder to achieve.

But rather than lose their soul, the good person's soul grows. We understand that the most powerfully fulfilling action is sacrifice, and we know that sacrifice is ultimately the greatist act of goodness we can hope to achieve. There can be no true love or happiness without sacrifice. The selfish person can only hope to achieve the fleeting pleasures of the flesh, and will only end up empty and alone.

Hold faith that God is watching, dear friend. Know that He sees every act of kindness and is pleased that you are trying to brighten the world, and know that you will earn a happiness that the greedy and selfish will never be able to understand.

And know that you are important. Even a simple smile or kind word could be the most important thing in the world to a lonely or desperate person like me. (and you've given me more then a few)

Love and hugs ((Blue))

I am torn somewhere in between the two "extremes" (for a lack of a better word) presented in this thread.

I've been to that dark place, all too often in my younger days (at at 24, that sounds lame.. but I struggled a lot when I was 11-20 with depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, etc). I know what it is like to not want to wake up tomorrow. I had days where I prayed my heart out to God, begging him to kill me somehow.. whether I was just struck down dead.. or a medical problem, or a car accident, a murder.. I didn't care. I just wanted out. I was in a lot of pain. I realize that all teenagers go through rough transitions and that a lot of teens go through phases where they are depressed and hate life. It was much more than that for me. I was struggling with memories/flashbacks of abuse. I knew that I was unwanted by the people I loved most in my life. I was physically abused by a sibling day after day. I had chronic pain. I was going to school (middle school and high school) full time yet babysitting over 25 (sometimes 40 or more) hours a week to help buy food for my family. Without that money, we would have gone without. I had a LOT going on for an 11 year old (and on up, for 9 or 10 years). It wasn't just the "typical teen angst".. though I'm sure that is hard to go through as well.

I've had several times in my life where I felt hopeless and felt that there was no point in living.

I've also been on the other end.. the end that knows that even in the darkest times, I am blessed. I have people around me that love me and are there for me. I have a home. I have clothes. I have food. Hey, if all of us can afford internet or can get to either a job or school where we can access the internet... or a library or something--we are already better off than a lot of the people in the world. Internet is a complete luxury.. so each of us on here is very blessed.

I've been on both sides, and usually I am somewhere in the middle. Mostly more towards the "blessed/happy" side, but it depends on circumstances.

And what I have learned time and time again... is that if ONE person loves me, life is worth living. If I love ONE person, life is worth living. If I make a difference in someone's life (even by a simple smile to someone who is hurting badly and wanting to escape this life).. just ONE person's life... life is worth living. I think it's really easy to look at the bad in our lives and in the world and think "this is too hard. I don't want to live in this world anymore". But like everything in life, the honest truth (though it is sometimes hard to hear), is that it's not all about us. It's not all about me. It's not all about Koala77. It's not all about BMW. It's not all about you, Blue. Yes, we are all given the ability to make choices. If I were to decide right now that I was tired of this life, I could make a choice and not live anymore. But--then I would be satisfied (for the moment, in the hard times--but would miss out on a LOT of happiness throughout the years of my life that I would be missing). But what about my mom? What about my brother? What about the lady I may see at the clinic next month who is feeling the same way I am, and just a simple "hi" from a stranger could save her life? What about the people on NT who have grown to love me and support me? What about -them-? I know this isn't the case with every single person... and maybe they just didn't think about "the others" who would miss them when they are gone.. but though I've thought about suicide many times and wished I could escape the pain and heartache of this world.. I have never had the "heart" (or guts, or both?) to totally go through with it. I have lost many people in my life to death... though thankfully, none to suicide. It hurts so badly to lose someone... and I couldn't stand the thought of what those who are left behind would think. "Wasn't I enough to keep her alive?" "She didn't care enough about us to live." "How selfish--didn't she think about how we would feel if she went through with it?"

Not everyone is always able to stop and think about those things. I am fully aware that sometimes the pain is so great and the urge is so strong... and people don't always think about the effect that their choices will make on other people. BUT... when I talk to people who are thinking about suicide, I always try to bring this up. Yes, I know you are hurting.. and I sympathize.. I have been there. But do you know how many people care about you, and how badly they would hurt if you left?

So.. I am asking YOU. You, Blue. You, whoever is reading this. You, whoever is struggling and not wanting to participate in this painful thing called life. How would you feel if you were the one left behind? Is there anyone in your life that you would hurt if you weren't around? I know there are. I know nothing about your personal life.. your family.. your friends. But this is one thing I know for a FACT... it is EXTREMELY obvious that people care about you. People would not reply... and tell you they care... tell you they've been there... spend time trying to encourage you... if nobody cared, they would read your message and hit the "X" in the corner and move on. Every person who has stopped and taken time out of their day to love you and encourage you... would be deeply saddened if you were no longer here.

Blue, you are a part of this community. From the first day I clicked onto this board, a bit terrified to reply because I didn't know how people would respond and if they would care about me.. You are one of the first people I saw here. And the number of people who care about you is overwhelming. You are SO loved.. here in this community, and I have a sneaking suspicion that you are loved by other people in your life as well.

As I've said--I've been there. I know how hard life is.. and how hard it can be to open your eyes and face another day when things look so bleak.

But please... go to page 1 and reread the responses you've gotten. Look at all of the people who have responded, and what they have said. Look at the lives you have touched. Look at the -difference- you have made in their lives. You matter, and you are loved. And love... is always worth living for.

Beautifully said Sara Mae...that beast of depression can really wear you out sometimes.

I always think of our David when I listen to this..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73xatTlWmDw

lots of love, blue

It is 1 am here and cant sleep.... (again), please forgive any typo or, even non-sense sentence I might type... I feel tired and sleepy but cant sleep, so, I bet my brain is not working properly.

I dont know where to start, so, once again, I apologise if my message seems a little rambled !

Depression is a nasty beast.... it hits me without previous advices, just come suddenly and destroys the joy and happiness I might have in my second, my day or my life.... It is so pathetic, that ttransforms the good things in bad things... the shinning things, in dark things... what was a lovely memory, turns into a pathetic and hurting memory.... Dreams feel like stupidities... goals seem unreacheable.... Something inside me keeps telling me it is something false, non-real... surrealistic... and that I must continue my life, trying to smile, dreaming and fighting...but hell is difficult !!! this is a monster...
Last night I left home, hallucinating (was seeing neon green lights)... I just wanted to be alone and outside my tiny room.... needed air and to see the stars... At first, I felt so sad and lonely.... my parents were sleeping... didnt realise I left home... I was just looking the dark sky wondering why my mom wasnt there giving me a hug.... why ? my parents are tired of my depression too.... so, this nasty monster is not only killing me, but the ones I love too.
Even when I know suicide is not the answer, even when I want to believe people care about me, this beast calls me.... and it is so difficult to handle it.... and the only thing I can do is cry.... cry all day.... so, everybody gets tired of me, because Im always sad...

Why Im telling you this ? to be honest, I dont know.... the main purpose of this post was to thank you for all the support and patience you have provided me since i signed in to this forums..... I have said it thousands times and will say it over and over again... Im still here thanks to you. God put you in my way so i dont feel this empty and lonely and so I could stop my plans of killing me...

So, yeah, in resume.... Dear redtail, thanks for your friendship and for always listening to me and understanding....

To my twins thelonely and Manda, thanks for your non-ending support and patience and, so sorry that we have this dark moments.... Like I always tell you, dont know how, but we have to beat this monster.... somehow.... Twin thelonely, we will fight till the end right ??

Smae.... that was pretty beautiful and touching and, I think what you said and what thelonely said was what I needed to hear tonight... I feel stronger after your words. Some other thing that happen to me when Im sad, is that I lost all my faith... hate God and that, so.... yeah, thanks for reminding me that too.

Alffe.... what else can I say to you ?? as always, a thousand thanks.

Twin, seriously, that was beautiful....

I will try to go and sleep at least a bit.... school tomorrow... and today I was a zombie ! ugh....

Love to all !!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are so right. It is the good simple things in life that are important. You said that so beautifully. ginnie

Dear Blue, I care about you too. These people who reach back to you, through the internet really do care. ginnie

Hi.

No one can actually tell you to SNAP OUT OF IT. It's not realistic to tell someone who is suffering from depression to SNAP OUT OF ANYTHING. It's your mind, your pain, and your feelings most definitely. You mention how this is affecting your parents. At least you are able to address that.

Let me ask you one thing.

What interests you? What one thing (that you might have done in the past), or that you have never done, but might consider doing, well is there ONE thing that gets your mind off of your mental pain?

We all need to keep busy, to find that one hobby that makes us once again interested in LIFE. It took me a while, but I found a great hobby. And for ME, this works out just fine.

Some people collect stamps, coins, butterfly collections, music collections, movie collections, some people go dancing, they can dance all by themselves to their WII, or their Playstations, some people like to go out for coffee and an egg on a roll and socialize in the morning (that's my thing, too).

But the point I'm trying to make is that each of us has a purpose but we might not have realized that purpose yet. Sometimes we get it at 20, sometimes we get it at 60. If I had one wish it would be that, when I was 20, I had the brain function that I now have.

Ah, they say youth is wasted on the young. How true. I would have turned left, when I turned right, I would have made MUCH BETTER CHOICES.

But alas, we cannot go back in time and change the past.

But we CAN change what we do RIGHT NOW.

I made so many changes in the last 5 years, I can't even begin to tell you.

I have a different mental outlook now than I did 8 years ago, when our son left home and never came back.

Try getting up in the morning and knowing you will never see your child again. Think about mental pain, think about speaking over and over to social workers, psychologists, Board and Care facilities, and the topper to all this was getting on the phone with the suicide hotline every single night for 4 nights or so trying to send a suicide team to my son's house only to find him perfectly fine and laughing his head off.

Believe me, I know depression and mental pain. But I had to get my head in a different direction, or I would have died myself.

And I don't want to die. I want to live, and breath the fresh air when I get up in the morning. I don't care if my back aches, if I can't straighten up. I know that if I start walking, it will get the kinks out. I know that if I go out of my house and pass someone who is older and all bent up and I just smile at them and I say "How are you doing today?" well, it makes THEIR day, so it makes MY day!!

Sometimes, life sucks, it just does. But it doesn't mean that it has to suck 24 hours a day.

If you can't sleep and you are qualified, take something to sleep. I don't know if you have had any problems with meds in the past, but I was an insomniac all my life. Never slept through the night.

Believe me, when I take a melatonin, and I drift off, and I get my 8 hours, it's like a gift.

When one doesn't get a good nights sleep, it messes with the circadian rhythm and it sets you up for a tired feeling all day long.

When I first found out I was getting a full nights sleep, well, it was like a gift.

So if you have been NOT sleeping, have you tried talking to your doctor? Maybe he can give you something.?

See, I don't know your situation, if you are on any meds that prevent you from sleeping....??

But it messes with your brain function, your metabolism and everything else.

We all need to sleep.

So think about that hobby that you might be interested in.

My hobby is sprouting. Best thing I ever discovered.

Maybe you can find something that YOU are interested in??

Take care,

Melody

Ah my sweet you are blessed to have found this forum... I feel you are very fortunate to have the resources available to you that simply weren't there when I was your age suffering from depression. I agree with Melody - as in our case, we learned much of what you are learning many years past the age you are.

Blue, I am amazed at your description of your depression - as I can relate to it. I'm so glad you come here to accept the support offered.

Addy

P.S. Dear "Consumer Report Sprout-Lady"... your posts always, ALWAYS inspire me! (I've bought all the sprouting gear but life overwhelmed me and I've not put aside the time to start the growing and eating!)