So many years of constant misery, and no end in sight. Everyone always tells me things will get better. They're wrong. Every day is the same... so many years... How many times can I pray to God for the same thing before the words sound hollow, they're never answered anyway.

There is nothing in this world for me, and I have nothing to offer to it. I am %100 worthless. My only contributions are half-hearted efforts at a meaningless job for 10 or 15 hours a week, and half the time I care so little I don't even do that much. I have no desire to get a higher education, or a better job, I don't even want to leave my appartment or talk to other people. There's no place for me out there. I hate the world and it hates me. The less we have to see of each other the better. I can't even offer a positive word around this forum anymore, the only place in the world where I can find a friend. The words all would sound so hollow coming from someone as defeated as me.

One time I dreamt that I was dying of a brain tumor... I actually believed I was dying... and then I woke up, and when I realized none of it was real, all I felt was disappointment. Not even a hint of relief. I suppose I should feel grateful that I had such a "good" dream; most of my dreams involve people shunning me, or just generaly being cruel. Why should the dream world be any different then the real one?

And now, I have to go to bed, to have more depressing dreams before getting up at four-something in the morning and going to that stupid, pointless job I care so little about. And tonight, just like every previous night, I'll hope and pray that I won't have to wake up, but every morning my alarm goes off and I'm forced to suffer through another horrible day in this soul-crushing world.