So many years of constant misery, and no end in sight. Everyone always tells me things will get better. They're wrong. Every day is the same... so many years... How many times can I pray to God for the same thing before the words sound hollow, they're never answered anyway.

There is nothing in this world for me, and I have nothing to offer to it. I am %100 worthless. My only contributions are half-hearted efforts at a meaningless job for 10 or 15 hours a week, and half the time I care so little I don't even do that much. I have no desire to get a higher education, or a better job, I don't even want to leave my appartment or talk to other people. There's no place for me out there. I hate the world and it hates me. The less we have to see of each other the better. I can't even offer a positive word around this forum anymore, the only place in the world where I can find a friend. The words all would sound so hollow coming from someone as defeated as me.

One time I dreamt that I was dying of a brain tumor... I actually believed I was dying... and then I woke up, and when I realized none of it was real, all I felt was disappointment. Not even a hint of relief. I suppose I should feel grateful that I had such a "good" dream; most of my dreams involve people shunning me, or just generaly being cruel. Why should the dream world be any different then the real one?

And now, I have to go to bed, to have more depressing dreams before getting up at four-something in the morning and going to that stupid, pointless job I care so little about. And tonight, just like every previous night, I'll hope and pray that I won't have to wake up, but every morning my alarm goes off and I'm forced to suffer through another horrible day in this soul-crushing world.

I have a young friend who went through horrible depression too Lonely1 and he went out and got a kitty. Changed his life completely...I've never seen bonding like it...he takes it everywhere with him and it's learning to walk on a leash. Unconditional love can be an amazing thing.

Dear Lonely1

(((hugs))) to you dear.


for a "Major Depressive Episode, "years" is indeed long. do you have a psychiatrist? i am wondering if you actually suffer from depression as a primary form, or more of a form of dysthymia. Dysthymia means you have moderate or mild depressed baseline mood, but of course that can deepen into worse depression. also, other possibilities would have to be ruled out. hypothyroidism can cause mood disturbances - for example. as can some nutrient deficiencies.
so i would say 1. you could ask your GP for screening for hypothyroidism, nutrient deficiencies and any other conditions that might manifest as depression, and 2. see a psychiatrist if the labs look ok.

because our psyche asks us questions, manifests our hopes and fears symbolically.

can i take a shot at this dream? in your dream, you identified the source of your "dying" (depression). you went further - you identified the source as having to do with the brain or part of your brain. explained like this it might sound like yeah, so what, that's pretty obvious, but in the dream, the fact that the problem "materialized" as a tumor makes it more tangible than depression. and not all tumors are incurable. you might die of it if left untreated. i see a suggestive aspect to your dream here, to seek out that "tumor" and treat it. that could be the way out. the hope you need. the way to wake up to a tomorrow that is better than today.

Upon waking, i can appreciate the disappointment, insofar as there you were again, with no :tumor" - nothing tangible. No answers. But i think the dream was asking you to seek, so that something might be found.

i am sorry for this, Lonely1. i am intimately familiar with this aspect of depression. May i ask that for one night, you simply skip the hoping and praying part, and say well there went another day, and try to let go of certainties about tomorrow - no hopes negative or positive, no expectations, just, "what will be will be." in your state, i think if you can keep the outlook neutral it will be a big step. this is independent of what actually DOES happen tomorrow. this is about your internal life. because it affects your external life.

i light a virtual candle of hope for you:

waves

Too bad. You're someone we care about here so much. You typed that. You own it. I'm not going to own it because I don't believe that. hey.

Stop listening to that particular conversation in your head. It's not what is real. It's a trick. An imp of the mind. You might be defeated today but tomorrow is another day and you will get through this terrible time.

Hollow? Come on now. You offered more in one post than ever before. I think we defeat ourselves. I think our fears and memories can defeat ourselves.


Well heck, dreams are dreams. I have lucid dreams. I jump off cliffs and fly. Hey... dreams are dreams. It's a whole different dimension.

dear lonely, keep reaching out for that glimmer of hope. I too am depressed, and come back to this site to pick myself up off the floor. I found some compassionate people here who have reached back to me to give me hope. I am not sure I could have survived without the soulfull comments that have lifted my spirit. One thing mentioned, I have tried to do. At your lowest, do one thing kind for yourself. Make yourself do it. Eat a piece of chocolate, drink a warm cup of tea. Hug yourself, come here to talk. That one thing will lead to another, and then maybe you can see light in that dark tunnel. I don't want anyone to feel the depression I have felt, and there are alot of people who struggle daily with it. Eithor due to medical problems, family problems, or emotional problems. There is a community here. I have never heard anyone being mean or unkind or uncaring. There is hope right here, that people care, and will talk to you. I have not been left alone, to wallow in grief, friends write back now, and my worst nighmares are going away. This depression can lift, if you just slip open that window just a bit. I wish for you a better day today. I hope you will do that one act of kindness to yourself, and for yourself. I care, because I have felt your pain. ginnie

Alffe: I know having a pet is supposed to help with loneliness, but I just can't handle one of my own. Pets take lots of energy (and money) and need fed and walked and played with... sometimes I don't even have the energy to feed myself. And I refuse to get a pet only to neglect it thus spreading the misery. I would try to take care of it but I would just end up resenting it for using up what little energy I have.

Waves: I have tried speaking to "professionals," I've also tried going to a doctor and getting anti-depressants. But the truth is, I'm an extreamly private person and I'm very uncomfortable talking to people about personal things, especially if that person is a disinterested stranger who is, by definition, payed to pry all of my private thoughts away while judging me. And after they strip away every shred of modesty I have, they make some stilted "insight" as to why I feel this why and suggest ways to make it stop. I DON'T NEED THEM TO INTERPERATE MY THOUGHTS BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO THOUGHT THEM. I already know why I feel every feeling I've ever felt. I always end up getting sick of trying to make them understand and just pretend to get better so I don't ever have to talk to them again.

Anyway, LOL, my feelings about doctors aside, moderately depressed definately describes my baseline mood, and I already know why. I'm unhappy because I don't like life. Anti-depressants don't work because there are no brain chemicals in need of balancing. There is only a sad little life and a person who doesn't want it. I do realize I think almost exclusively on the negative side of all issuses but I still try to force myself not to dwell on every bad thing that happens. The only reason I've survived so long without acting upon my suicidal instincts is because I force myself not to think about anything. I don't imagine the terrible future, and I don't recall the terrible past. I just try to kill time until I can go to sleep. And, honest to God, the only way I can fall asleep is by closing my eyes and imagining as hard as I can that I'm happy. If I stop to allow reality back in, I lay tossing and turning for hours...

Sorry for the long rambling post, I just need to feel like someone in the world knows how I'm feeling.

Lara and Ginnie: *sigh* I try not to defeat myself and I try to hold onto hope, but it's been so long, and I'm so tired... I can't make myself believe the despair will end until my life ends, and I want my life to end so badly... I try to do kind things for myself (no one else will), I even go out to a mall or something and walk around looking for something I might enjoy, trying to think of something to do. But it always, always, ends in frustration, because I don't really like anything, and I don't really want to do anything, so I just go home and sit alone until it's time for bed.

Thank you all for posting and trying to help. I know it's not easy to try to help the terminally inconsolable. I'm really not a pessimist more of a realist... I see the world based on the experiances it's given me. It even helps sometimes. For instance, last night after I typed my post, I figured something bad would happen and prevent it from going through, and all my words would be lost forever. So I copied everything and hit submit, and sure enough, the website had logged me out when I was typing, and when I tried to log back in the internet froze and I had to start over. And I'll copy everything again tonight too... we all view the world based on how it's treated us.


PS. The damn thing tried to destroy my post again

I can tell that you've never had a kitty! They require very little work and in return they just want to nestle on you while purring. Yes, you'd have to clean their litter box and feed them but in return you'd have it's undivided attention.

I think you see yourself as a problem with no solution.

Ask Barbo about her Ruby.

OK... I'm jumping in here...

Until now I haven't because all others before me have given you super advice... and truly, so have I, in the past, on other threads... that's because we all really like you and we really want to help keep you here.

I didn't think I had anything to add to this thread but I do now.

I have 2 cats - and have had them for almost 12 years now - they keep each other company when I'm not home... and when I am home, they add a dimension in my life called unconditional love. I laugh at them (and speaking of laughing - watch America's Funniest home videos - its on every day - and there is nothing healthier than laughing!)and I love them - they come and sit on my lap and purr. They are warm. I don't ask them to come - cats aren't like that - they come on their own terms.

Ya, it sucks cleaning the cat litter - and I've got to admit that when I've been in my lowest of low, those poor little guys have had quite a gross little "bathroom"... and it sucks if you can't afford their food but I've always managed as even dollar stores sell cat food.

Rescue a cat - go to a shelter ... or even a pet store that has strays - you'll have to pay a bit which will cover their first shots, but its worth it. (I don't take my cats to the vet as they are very expensive - I let nature have its way - unless, of course, they were really hurt).

Seriously -you will never regret choosing a kitten - it will love you. You don't have to walk them - and they don't need to be played with - they'll play with you!!! And if you're concerned about the cost of a cat dish and/or cat litter tray - go to the thrift store - you'll find all you need.

And the other thing I have to say is this - I honestly do know what its like not to get dressed or out of the house for days...

Last night I woke up at 4 am and my damn mind picked on everything that has gone wrong in my life... so I turned on the tv to shut it out....
and I slept until 9:30.

You're not alone my friend... but I think you know that!

And now I'm going to copy what I wrote before I lose it all (that happens to me sometimes too... aaaargh!!! ) .... and when it has happened, I don't try and write my thoughts again... its too much energy but I've learned from what I wrote....

I do have another thumbs up for a cat. At a low point in my life I lost my cat of 21 years, yes that old. I thought I would never ever get over it. However, a cat adopted me, who belonged to my son. He now lives with me and has helped me to not only get over my beloved long time friend, he gave me new life. He helped me get over that crisis, and move beyond it to a new beginning. Now at night when I think I am alone, I am not. I roll over and find this big bundle of fur right next to my head, purring softly. This has made my nights more bearable. His dish was from good will, and I know that there are animal rescue agiencies, that may help you with the cost of the food. All in all this fur ball has helped my depression. Just think about it. ginnie

lonely1 - I was going through an especially dark time and my counselor said, "I never tell you what to do. I'm suggesting that you go to the humane society and just look around. Just look at the cats, I know you like them."

I went to the "pound" and came home with two tiny kittens. A few weeks later I was laughing and telling the counselor about them. She said, "You've been coming here for almost a year and you rarely smile and I've never heard you laugh. Now you laugh so much and sound so good."

Those little fur balls changed my life. I'm no longer alone - I have them.

I think they would do the same for you.