There is help out there...you just didn't have a good counselor/dr...please give it another try...you deserve to have a better life.

Thank you for your encouragement and hope that there are good people out there to help. I am trying to be hopeful but I keep wavering back and forth. After my brother committed suicide I admit that I couldn't come to grips with it. You just keep thinking about all the things that you could have said and whether or not there was anything else you could have done to prevent them from taking their life. I don't know why suicide would have the tendency to perpetuate when a survivor understands the impact it had on those that love them, but for some reason it has had that effect on me. My brother and I were both victims of childhood abuse in which case nothing was done to help us. The effect that it had on each of us was that he became an alcoholic late in life when he remembered it and I had worsening symptoms of autoimmune disease. I definitely understand the mind body connection, but some medical workers refuse to acknowledge that you have anything wrong with you besides mental illness, even if tests show otherwise. There have been lots of times that I felt that it should have been me rather than my brother that committed suicide because he had two children and I was always protective of him when we were younger because he was the baby.

My husband came up from his work site to take me to a hospital in the city. Hopefully they will be able to diagnose the medical condition that I have. Unfortunately some of the symptoms, such as ataxia and lack of coordination are not good. As far as trusting a counselor again, I don't know. This was not the first time I was completely **** on. It was the most horrific experience of my life to be told that all I had was anxiety and not even been allowed to have any diagnostics done or get any treatment at the hospital. All because I was anxious that my spine was burning and I was scared. Friends of mine are really horrified that something like this could happen. I had so many medical people tell me that I was imagining my illness even when I wasn't depressed, and I was always asked if I was thinking of doing something to myself when I wasn't. After lying here for 4 months without getting medical help I am now definitely disabled and I don't know if I can face it. I don't know if it is "fixable" anymore or if the nervous system damage will be permanent. The medical system generated anxiety and a suicidal thinking because I feel so betrayed. Now I have PTSD when I didn't before. I will wait to see what the outcome of testing is and if anything can be done, but I can't promise that I can deal with it. I have tremendous respect for people like Christopher Reeve who kept on despite a horrendous disability. I guess that I am no longer that strong.

I'm so glad to hear from you Lily...and you are stronger than you think you are. I understand about suicidal thoughts...have had them myself and they scare the hell out of me.

Our only son killed himself about 17 yrs ago and it changed all of us forever.
It is the ultimate rejection...the ultimate F U! I know that neither of us wants to leave that kind of legacy for the people that love us.

You want to feel better, you want good doctoring and people who will listen and understand. You aren't asking too much Lily...never give up hope...your life can change and your prayers be answered.

We've had some really terrible experiences with the medical field and it's made us more than a little cautious. Shop around for a counselor and be honest with them....that you need someone who will listen to you.

Warm hugs and please stay in touch. There are great people here.

Lily - right now you are reaching out to strangers.

you ARE that strong (yes, like Christopher Reeve) or you wouldn't be here

recognize and accept this step as courageous, ok?

________________

I hope that you can find the courage to do the next step - it sounds like you are waiting for something to happen so that you can make your choices... instead, do you think that you could turn that around... ?

I know it takes a ton of energy and I know you don't have it right now.

writing here helps me a ton
sometimes I just read

right now I don't think I am making sense so I have erased a lot of what I wrote...

anyway, hang in there and type away, we're here

just let us be your strength lily.

Hi Lily

Christopher Reeve was definitely Superman. He stuck it out til the end with grace and dignity. He was strong because he had strong supportive people around him who listened to his needs. He also knew what was wrong with him and knew the whole world was working on a cure and praying for him.

However, we only saw him when he was on camera - we never saw him alone in his room. I'm quite certain he had moments of severe weakness, even with all that support.

Ruling out life-threatening neurological disease seems to be your main concern. Maybe you can try a different approach in finding a counselor you can feel comfortable with. Rather than having a counselor help you with getting back to "normal," you can talk with a counselor about the stress you have to endure while waiting for an official diagnosis.

I just wanted to leave you a hug Lily.

our cat is named lillie...her brother's name is Tiger...

Tiger-Lillie...one of the prettiest flowers...

So, Lily....there is a Chinese Proverb (not sure if it was ever translated but I'll give it a shot...)

"Water Lily, borne in the mud/swamp, but grows immaculately"

you are going to get out of this mud...immaculately...Lily...

hang in there...