Hello~
I am at a loss. I attempted suicide in 2011 after, losing my mom, in 2009, my dog, 4 months later and my dad had a massive stroke, 6 months after my mom passed away, during a valve replacement surgery on his heart. He di rehab, and lived another 4 years.

I am a single mom, and currently going thru divorce (3rd marriage). I am no longer suicidal and feel I have learned many lessons regarding my suicide attempts. My first when I was 15 yrs old. and several after to my last attempt in 2011.

I have a 26 yr old son, whom I raised with my mom and dad, in their home. His father was a severe alcholic, and had very little if any contact with our son. I also had my sister and her husband (he also passed away this past feb. 2014 from cancer). help in raising my son, an extended family...my sister babysat and helped raise my son while I worked full time, and his cousins all girls, are like sisters to him.

My son is joined the marines at age 18. he aspired to become a Marine all his life, since he was little. My father was also a Marine.

His then girlfriend, followed him to his base after he graduated bootcamp, and they married when they were 18 yrs old. My son never saw combat, but never the less, was effected by the Marines and came home to his grandma passed away, his grandpa having surivived a stroke and now a different man. My husband left me in 2011, and I attempted suicide in my garage, with my dogs in the car ( i did not want to leave them behind).

My son worked part time at the police dept, and heard my address and came upon me in the garage with his peers. He was and is not an officer just a community service pt. He sat across from me, after they got me out of the garage, and I spoke to him, not recognizing him, I spoke of how my son was a Marine, and worked as a pt community police. He was in front of me and I did not recognize him, I had taken many bendaryls and drank, and had the gas running in the garage sitting in my car, so I was really disorientated.

My son called my, niece, and my brother in law (his uncle who helped raise him and since has passed as I mentioned above) to help him sign me into the hospital. It has been 3 yrs. He has a 4 yr old son, and I am never allowed to babysit.

In the years following my suicide attempt my son has been very distant with me, his wife, doesnt like me very much, but said this is his issue.

he has been hot and cold with me, comes around and then, gets angry with me. I have also expressed my hurt from not being included in his or my grandsons life thru fb messages.

recently, my family took a stance and did not wish his wife a happy bday via fb. to show how it feels to be ignored....of course he noticed and contacted my niece.

he told her he cannot ever look at me the same way again, he went all the way back to his 13th bday wich, was a huge disaster with the family fighting, and me leaving my parents house with my son in tow for the night to spend at a friends house. My fam, is highly dsyfucntional, and it was a horrific scene. Never the less, life went on, and I returned home the next day to my parents house and my son and I remained there until he joined the marines.

he is angry with me all the time, and will not let me into his life, and keeps me at a distance. He works many hours and his wife, does not include me in any activities of my grandson.

I just dont know what to do at this point. I know he will not attend therapy with me, refuses, and says I need to continue therapy. I did have intensve 2 week out patient after my hospitalization and regular therapy for a year after that.

I am on different meds and have not attempted suicide again. I am walking around with a broken heart, knowing I caused my only child such pain. I cannot sleep, I am overwhelmed with sadness, hurt, myself.

I just know that this is never going to be healed between my son and I, and I get up each day, and go about my life, and carry this burden in my heart. I have a wonderful relationship with my oldest niece and she allows me to babysit her little ones, and I recieve great joy and love from them.

I just dont know what to do. thank you for listening.

just a quickhello an telling you that I read your story.
It can be quite slow here on the weekends so sorry if it takes a while.

I am so sorry for all of your challenges that you face. Being isolated from your grandchild must hurt. I am glad that you have your neice to let you baby sit.
Group therapy is just that...group.
they have to agree to go and I wonder if you have tried to talk them into going, really tried?
I have never been suicidal but have lost my brother more than 23 years ago. I know how devastated my family was.
I hope that you would continue to seek therapy for yourself, someone professional to help you cope with your losses.
sending you a cyber hug
((((((HUG))))))
bizi

I'm so sorry for all of your losses Mom1965 and in such close proximity.
It takes a very long time to erase pictures of someone we love, trying to end their lives...it plays over and over in our minds for a very long time.

I'm so glad you didn't succeed in your attempt and it sounds like you are doing all that you can to help yourself and that's a good thing. If your family can't appreciate your efforts, all you can do is continue to show them that you have changed.


I admire your effort and can appreciate a dysfunctional family situation...been there, done that.

I'm so glad you've joined us, talking heals us.

Thank you very much for your reply, Yes this happend in 2011 and I have asked in the past, seriously asked if they would both attend therapy and was told no. My son, believes I need to continue therapy (which as I mentioned I did, and still see a psychiatrist regularly).

At this point my niece and sister have advised to "ignore" them, as they do me, because they do "ignore" me. they post photos of my grandson's outings first tball and I am completely not invited, and cannot share his photos..as they have me restricted. Her mom can share, it is just me who cannot. I am exhausted, and sometimes, I can literally feel my heart beating so fast, from the hurt feel , and the damage I did to my son.

I guess that is why I sought out this group. to help me manage my feelings. I am not sucidial now, and they changed my meds from lithium to lexapro, after my last suicide attempt. Lithium did not help me. I have not attempted suicide since the med switch and the intense therapy program and counseling I have attended.

I have had numerous attempts in the past, once when I was 15, and hospitalized for major depression in my late 20's. my son was around 7 yrs old. I did not attempt it at that time. I then remarried when he was 17 yrs old, and it was to a policeman, who was cheating on me and a closet alcholic. that marriage lasted one year. I did attempt suicide during that period when I found out about his alcholism and cheating. and then again I was hospitalized for depression, the year after my mom passed and my dad, had his major stroke. then my husband left me, and I attempted it again when my son found me when he was working.

My diagnosis was bi-polar but that was right after my hysterectomy, and as I said, the lithium did not help me. I am not even depressed now and am getting my third divorce. this current husband was also bi-polar and had major anger issues, and was abusive/physically and verbally. I was married to him for 8 yrs, and he is the one who left me for a brief time, and resulted in my last attempt of suicide. We are getting divorced now, and I am looking for a job. I am on SSDI, I do have my nieces support, which I am thankful for. She is my first born neice and we are very close, only 15 yrs apart.

Well, that is all for now....I am just heart broken and dont think this will ever be healed in my life time. My sons wife does not like me to begin with, but it is my son that texted my other niece and told her he can never look at me the same way.

Much thanks for listening again.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum38.html

just wanted to give you the link to the bipolar forums here at neurotalk if you feel like joining in, another place for support.
bizi

Hi, thanks for adding me as a friend. just learning my way around this site

its not as easy as facebook!!

Get a good therapist, as I know you have in the past and hang on. They can be your biggest supporters.