thats what i always say to myself whenever i am down, which lately is all the time.Yes i also have bill collectors calling ,i also havr 4 kids to feed and take care off, each day is hard, sometimes i don't want to wake up but always do, my great uncle killed himself in the very room i am in, also my uncle killed himself, i have always worried that one of the boys or men in my family would kill themselfs and did have a scare two years ago when my wonderful ,beutiful, intelligent and kindharded son tried too thank god i stopped him and got him the help he needed but it is always a scare as it is inherited, and just two weeks ago my only brother lost a battle with that ugly c word cancer ,oh how i loved him and how he loved life to be taken at such a young age. So as you can see you are not alone, but we must go on if not for ourselfs then for everyone else and that includes you, even though we don't know each other you have to understand you may be hurting but you will hurt others if you don't take care,, i don't know if i made any sence as i am very upset, but i hope you got the point deb

I just wanted to say hi dagm and I'm sorry you are so upset.

thank you- yes i am upset, i has been a very bad year, but wha else is new, it seems like nothing ever good happens, all my life since i was 16 i have had nothing but heart ache and disbare, but hay i quess that is the why god decided my role in life would be. anyway the point i was trying to make was everyone has ups ande downs but we still have to go on, if not for ourselfs then for everyone else, i know it is hard, but who know what will happen next, geez maybe one of else will win the lottery, keep your head up and continue hard yes but hey someone has too- well off to work for me soon- joy cann't wait as i know i will be cfrawling home once again

I know you were just being supportive to others while trying to survive...you fit in here just fine.

thank you , yes i am just trying to be supportive, want you all to know that you are not alone. even though we don't really know each other we are all here to help each other, i sure am hoping i say this right sometimes i get off track don't mean too. I just want to help. i know what it's like to be alone, even if you have someone, i have my children but sometimes i still feel alone, you know what i mean. I have lost alot, at 16 my husband to be drowned at 28 my husband got killed (hit by a train) next boyfrind died of cancer, then one had a heart attact now the worst of all my dear loved missed brother at the young age of 48 to cancer i will never be the same but i continue on why you may ask ,because i have to for my kids parents friends, i guess for everyone but myself, which i am trying to change, so yes i feel your pain, but i also feel what it is like to live when someone dies and i wouldn't do that to anyone no matter what, it really is very hard to be the last one standing if you know what i mean but it is the right thing to do. so please remember we are loved and if anyone needs to talk anytime i can let me know, i will try to help. don't know if i did as i am not so good with how i say things sometimes but i want you all to know ,,,I CARE deb

Oh I am sorry I for got to address the neck pain issue. Cann't you get some help from the state for your neck, it is not something that you should let go. If your neck is really bad it can couse all sorts of issues, did you have surgery and that is why you are a chronic neck survivor, notice i said survivor
and thats what i meanti also understand neck pain as i also am a chronic neck back pain survivor. i have had 2 surgerys in the past year and may have to have more yes it is painful and yes no one really understands you may look fine so why are you complaining right, people if it doesn't look broken it isn't right WRONG so i understand alot on that issue if you need me you know how to find me look into that state help also please.. hope you all are feeling better today deb

good morning deb...I know that you have found your way to our spinal disorders forum..I don't know anything about neck problems (knock wood)
and I'm sorry for all your pain. I do understand about losing loved ones..that's a different kind of pain...I'm sorry you have experienced so much of that.

(((Xie))) Where you live, can you find social services and ask for a list of places that will help with bills? I had to do that just last year. I definitely don't qualify for being able to go to a food pantry and that sort of thing. But here, there are different organizations, including churches, that will kindly help with basics like utilities. I'd start with the human resoources in your area, find out who is out there to help. It's worth a try. And keep hoping, wishing, and praying for help.

(((Deb))) I'm so sorry for your struggles as well.

Deb, thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry to hear about your loss along with the chronic pain. I’ve been dealing with my neck for 10 years now. I fell on my head which began the problem of my disks getting blown out. Now add the bone spurs and the pins and needles in my little fingers…well you get the idea. They talked about surgery once (when I had insurance) and Michael was alive. I would be happy with decent pain relief (mental and physical) at this point, but then again we go back to insurance. I am in awe of peoples strength in such difficult situations and wonder if I missed that line, or what changed in me this time....

Doody, being in So California right now with the aftermath of the fires, it is so hectic with all the people who lost their homes in the fires. I am trying so hard not to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, it just sounds like it. I make no excuses for my situation…I should have went to counseling months ago. I went right after Michael died, but my therapist was what I felt inappropriate, so I stopped. Then I didn’t get the anti depressants refilled then I basically went into hermit mode. Things just went down hill from there, including me. Now it’s like I am so deep, I can’t see any way out (well maybe….) I am tired of being overwhelmed, tired of my heart hurting, tired of my body hurting.

I think of those people who lost their homes and feel guilty at how I am feeling. Really, if I wouldn’t have shut myself in, maybe none of this would be happening. Now I’ve withdrawn so far, it’s a big feat to get the mail everyday. I wonder what happened to the lady who loved to laugh, talk to strangers, work, clean house…sure isn’t here now. I some sad say it’s like that person died and this is what is left. If it is, I sure don’t like it. Seems like I fell into that person of “what if’s” which I promised I wouldn’t do after Michael died. So glad that I didn’t listen to my own advice.

I really do ,it's like you just want to hide in your room and never come out. believe me i know how you feel each day for me is getting harder and harder, i finnally went out after hiding for the past two weeks and i guess it did make me feel alittle better all my friends were there and my cousins and they know exactly how i am feeeling as they lost a cousin they loved very much, but they all are trying to help me they even want me to go to theere house and hang out this weekend though i don;t know if i will i will think about it they could all telll that i haven't been dooing well by just looking at me but were happy that i got out of my self induced xile don't get me wrong i have been to work and the store but thats it and soooo not like me and i haven't slept in like 3 days going on 4 so i know what you are going though but the longer we are like this the harder it will be to get out again, if you are like me you dread when the mail comes because you have a panic attact about the bills but if we keep up this way the bills will still be there just bigger well i think you know what i am trying to say. and as for your ins. cann't the state help you i know in ny they have a program for people between 19 and 64 that will give you ins if you make under a certain amount i'm sure if you go to an outreach office they can steer you in the right direction i.m sorry this is so long i guess i have been blabbbering i juat wanted to show you that you are not alone take care and try ok deb