[Alffe]

"Healing involves making peace with the past and accepting that you did the best you could with the knowledg you had at the time. It means realizing how little control you really had over events, circumstances, and the actions of others and accepting that there may not have been anything you could have done to affect the outcome. Sometimes all the love in the world can't fill the emptiness another person has inside nor change their feelings of confusion and despair. No one is perfect. All of us have limitations, and part of healing is making peace with those limitations."

**************************

Finding Your Way after the Suicide of Someone You Love
by David B. Biebel, DMin, & Suzanne L. Foster, MA

[Alffe]

When a trout rising to a fly gets hooked on a line and finds himself unable
to swim about freely, he begins with a fight
which results in struggles and splashes and sometimes an escape.
Often, of course, the situation is too tough for him.

In the same way the human being struggles with his environment
and with the hooks that catch him. Sometimes he masters his
difficulties; sometimes they are too much for him. His struggles
are all that the world sees and it naturally misunderstands them.

It is hard for a free fish to understand what is happening to a hooked one.

**************

---Karl A. Menninger

[nohope]

Hi all, I think I've taken on a much bigger task than I can do at this time, but don't want to upset my new friend. She lost her entire family to suicide and illness within a 3 year period. All of their personals were brought to her tiny condo and have literally taken over her entire domain for the last 4 years. I talked her into a storage unit until she could go through it in her own time and decided to devote my days to going through the stuff to lessen her pain. Today, I came across a box that was labled "mom's stuff". I called her to ask if she would rather go through it for sentimentality reasons. She informed me that it may be things smeared with blood and brain matter. OMG I felt so awful for my friend and told her I'd take it to the storage unit.

Today she told me that I saved her life! She has seriously thought of suicide because she just couldn't take it anymore and didn't know where to begin. This is a single mother with two children working full time and going to school at night. She is overwhelmed.

I have put all my things needing attention away to try and help out someone in less fortunate circumstances. I think I've taken on too much, but need to to occupy my time. I really hope that I can get through her stuff soon and help her proceed with life for her two children and then maybe I can cope with my husbands stuff and going through it. He has been deceased now 4 months and all his things sit in my garage.

His brother also called me today to set up a time where we can catch up.

I look forward to sunshine here in dreary Portland Oregon. I feel as if it's been winter FOREVER!

[Wren]

Bless you heart nohope. Bless your hands. You are a GIANT.

[Looking4hope]

Nohope, I don't think this is a healthy thing for you to do at all. It's way too early for you to be dealing with something like this. You will wind up retraumatizing yourself. It's OK to distract yourself with other things to take the "edge" off but to have to deal with someone's else horrendous loss, is way too much. It won't make you a bad person if you don't help this person, it's just the smart thing to do. Take care of yourself first. Otherwise, it could send you down another road that you don't want to go down.

~Hope

[Doody]

I love this thread Ms. Alffe. It's what I've been trying really hard to do. A lot of it physical as well. Tired of the pain and it's gotten much better with this amazing chiro I started seeing.

Gettin old here so time to get rid of a lot of baggage.

Sometimes we really have to work at taking care of ourselves.

[Alffe]

You're right about having to work at taking care of ourselves Doody and I'm so glad you've found something that works for you.

The path to contentment depends on finding the coping strategy that works best for you, even if that means expressing anger or sadness on this journey. You can't force people to cope is ways that don't fit their nature.

If you're going through an awful time, don't feel bad about feeling bad.
When someone's in hurting over the loss of a job, the end of a relationship or the death of someone they loved, telling them to be more optimistic and look on the bright side just adds insult to injury.

And if it's too painful to deal with right now...put it aside for the time being but remember that "it'll" be there waiting for you.