Alffe, I'm not sure if I am replying in the correct box but I'll try anyway.

I was married briefly several years ago but had no children. I was in the Navy and they were my "family", never thinking that would end. I am not completely alone though. I have a friend that we have maintained an on again/off again relationship for about 22yrs. I am in a wheelchair right now due to chronic pain in my lower back, rt hip & thigh. He is staying with me to help out for a while. I am scheduled for surgery next Wednesday (14th). Hopefully I will get some relief after this surgery so he can go back home.

He is not a very emotional person and doesn't like me to talk about my family because it makes me cry. So no, I don't get the warm hugs I would dearly love to have. I'm glad I found this site because everyone seems so compassionate and supportive. You will probably be hearing alot from me.

Maybe I am using my loss of memory as a defense mechanism - makes sense to me. Thank you for welcoming me here. I look forward to meeting some supportive friends.

(((Jan)))

You sound like an extraordinary woman and I must say, I'm so impressed with your way with words.

I'm not at all surprised at you not being able to remember the dates...though I do remember when my sister died, December 15, 1986. Forever stuck in my brain. Probably because it was so close to Christmas and well...I don't remember a lot of things but that one I do for some reason. Why would we remember a day of such tragedy? Our minds probably just can't handle it. We don't want to remember that day.

As others said, birthdays are something we don't usually forget having celebrated those days. Celebration days, not days of sadness and mourning. Although I admit, I only now (at the age of almost 59) remember that my dad's birthday is April 8 and not April 7. For YEARS I could never remember for good grief!

I'm so very sorry you don't have more family to turn to. And I'm very glad you have a friend helping you right now. That means a lot. I SO wish, and more often nowadays, that I had someone to just take care of me. I'm so tired of doing it myself. *stomps my feet...don't wanna.

Does your name imply that you not only love cats but have some cat companions? I love my cats too, and now have a precious dog that was rescued from a puppy mill. Don't know what I would do without them.

Please lean on the people here all that you can bear to do. NeuroTalk in general is such a caring community, not the lease of which is this SOS forum. There are some long time survivors here, and short timers as well, and my heart goes out to each and every one of them.

You sound strong, Jan. Share with others and find a group such as Alffe has mentioned. Try to find strength in your spiritual beliefs.

I know our lost loved ones left a lot of pain behind here on this earth. But, I am convinced that those who have left are on their way to healing and in a better place (for them).

And please let us know how your procedure goes. Hugs, love and prayers for you.

No, you're not ever going to feel alone again now that you've joined this family... And why are so many men like your friend!! They are afraid of their feelings...just can't handle it....I always think of Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond because he is so typical. If they could only figure out that we women are attracted to men who are in touch with their feelings....well, I digress! *grin

I tracked you down on the spinal forum and read that you are getting a spinal cord stimulator on the 14th. I pray this is the solution to all your pain...gee that's just a week from today.

Oh yes, I think I have found a new "family". I have never felt so welcome anywhere. I can't understand this friend of mine either. Sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on or just some one to listen; not watch TV and make a comment here & there. He has been with me for my mother's & sister's deaths; all he has to say is "Well, you didn't get along with them anyway.". Of course any family has their ups & downs but there is always that bond. He has lost his grandparents - both of which I went to Ohio with him to be with his family. I wonder how he is going to handle the loss of anyone close in his family. I pray it won't happen but his mom is 75yrs old and won't last forever. Of course I will be there for him; I can't stand to see someone hurting.

As for the spinal cord stimulator, I am nervous, anxious, and just plain scared but if it can take away some of this pain it will all be worth it. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks

Thanks Doody. I do believe I will find the support I have been craving for so long in this forum. I do have strong spiritual beliefs, which I couldn't do without. I know that's what has helped me along the way in all areas of my life.

Yes, I do believe our loved ones have gone to a better place where there are no more tears. I think they are up there enjoying each other both young & old. And I believe they are also playing with my kitty cats that I have lost along the years. I do have one furry friend, my kitty - Jessie. She is spoiled, finicky, and has her own personality & attitude. But when it comes time for bed she is right there with me and I forget all her shenanigans of the day. I applaud you for rescuing your precious dog from the gosh awful puppy mill.

Thank you again for your kind words.

I think I'll call your friend Mr.Sensitivity! Or maybe Mr.Mouth!
I don't blame you a bit for being anxious about your coming surgery..I'll pray that your surgeon has "miracle hands". Pretty exciting to anticipate the absence of pain....

And I think you and I have a lot in common..I can't stand to see anyone hurting either.

hi catluvr

i'm a bit late in replying. sorry. but welcome to our wonderful family here.

i haven't lost a sibling to suicide, but a dear brother to cancer.

dates don't always stick in my mind. not about the sad stuff. i can remember dates of good memories. might just be june of 78...but it has special meaning to me. i think i block out the date he died. year after year..it's like..oh...the "anniversary" was yesterday.

losing a sibling, no matter how, is something that is never expected. ifyou are younger, they had ALWAYS been there and you think they always will. no memories without them.

we all know somewhere in our minds that we will lose our grandparents and parents...but brothers and sisters...it's different. the bond is different. we share stuff our parents never knew. ( and i ain't telling!)

it can be hard talking about these things. we are a good group of listeners. i'm a yappy one...so if you don't feel like sharing..i'm sure i can give you plenty to read. that is a good healing too.

just know we are here. my pm box is always open. i'm glad you found us.

Catluvr
I havent read every reply here on this thread . but I did see you are to have a spine stimulator surgery soon. I wanted to share with you that I have a very very simiular stimulator implanted for my face pain a.k.a. anesthesia dolorsa.
I have had it for five years and it has given me part of my life back.
If you need or want to talk about that please feel free to throw your worries and wonders my way or just right here and we will help.
when are you having your surgery?? guess i should read the replies here it probly says.
hope you have a sun shining day keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.
Peace
BMW

Hello to Catluver (and everyone else),

I am new to this forum as well. I think (like Catluver) that I have found a new home among friends here.

I stopped in to read the post just to see if I fit in with anyone. I, too, have that problem with my pain, both physical and emotional. Their responses to you have been so heartwarming to me just reading them.

YOu must be an amazing person! I feel it a priviledge to become aquainted with you here. I admire your strength.

I had my low back all fused together in 2000 and was at the point of being wheelchair bound myself. While I am not 100 %, it certainly beats where I was before surgery. At least now, I have my pain under reasonable conrtol with meds. Before, nothing helped at all. I still have those days that I need to stay down but that is still an improvement. I hope and will be praying that your surgery gives you the much needed relief.

You know, I realize everyone handles their grief differntly and you have had an over abundance of loss and no one should feel like you are not intitled to be sad and/or cry. I lost my sister, only 54 years old, 2/20/07. It was a massive heart attack and to this day I still try to figure out what else could have happened. What did I miss when talking to her earlier in the day, etc., etc. So happens, my granddaughter's birthday is the same day my sister passed away. We do not live in the same state but were very close. I do not know when the pain is supposed to stop. Sometimes, I think I am the only one that is hanging on to this like I am and others are able to let it go. But, I see that is not the case. Of course, for you, there was and is so much loss.

I want to thank you for sharing your self with us, especially me. I know its not always easy. After trying the support group and feeling like you did, it had to be more difficult to reach out again for fear of the same thing happening again. I know that is how I would react. But then, I am very bashful when it comes to the outside world. You would not guess that from my post but its true. The computer has been a blessing to me to be in touch with others.

May I suggest a book? No, I am not selling anything! I just came across this lady on a Christian talk radio program one day and I was really in a low place. It was as if she was talking specifically about and to me. I know it was the Lord working because I have wrestled with the issue of maybe my family would be better without me. I have had the back surgery, then neck and then diagnosed with MS. So it can be a big expense, etc for them. I was trying to tend to my Dad in a nursing home as well as I could too, and really did not feel like I was much use to anyone. This book, along with a wonderful Christian councelor has helped me. I realize it is different for all of us but really wanted to mention this book. Its called "Meet me at the well" and it is written by Virelle Kidder. She also has a daughter that battles mental illness and she has some type of chronic illness herself. So I did not feel like I was reading something by someone that really had no idea where I was at in my life. I have bought more copies of it to share with my daughter and others. I have got it at a really good price on Amazon. I buy used books there often and they appear new.

Sorry for such a long post. Please let us know how your surgery goes. And I am so glad to see so many caring people. Yall have inspired me! thank you, all of you here.