[catluvr123]

Hi I'm Jan and new to this forum. Hopefully I can get some answers, information, or just someone to talk to.

My parents are both deceased from other health reasons, but had both attempted suicide in the past. My older brother supposedly shot himself in the head I think in 1982. My younger sister shot herself in the head 2yrs ago.
Now I have no living relatives. I'm sure everone has gone through the "what ifs", "if I had only listened better", "why didn't I know the signs", "if I had only been there", and on & on. But of course no ones knows what went on in their loved one's last thought.

I talk to Doug & Cindy (brother & sister) often and cry each time I do. I don't guess the hurt & tears will ever end when they come up. One of my problems though is that I can't remember their dates of death, even my parent's. I always remember their birthdays but not even the exact year of each one's passing away. This is true even for my kitty cats. I know this is not normal, but can anyone suggest or know the reason.

[Doody]

((catluver)) I'm just shocked at the losses you have suffered. You have come to a good place. There are a lot of nice people here.

After those losses, I wouldn't be surprised at all at how your mind functions!

I just want you to know how sorry I am for what you have gone through and I hope Alffe or someone else here comes along soon. I am at work and have a meeting to go to.

Please come back and talk more.

[catluvr123]

Doody, I sometimes wonder how I function too. The loss of my family affects me in so many areas. The antidepressants help me to hang in there.

[MooseasaurusRex]

catluvr,

One big, warm, tight, hug, handshake and howdy, moose-size official type welcome to the site.

I am so sorry for your losses. And I'm very proud of you for hanging in there.
I hope you are seeking help for the pain from all this with a good doc/meds/therapist. As far as your question goes, I think you may be blocking the information on the dates intentionally or even subconciously. (I have done the same thing with traumatic events in my life).

I know keeping a daily journal/diary helps in so many ways. Not just with recovered memories but 'sorting it all out'. Please keep posting and please keep in mind that;

You are not alone
You are one of us.
And we are here to help.

[Burntmarshmallow]

catluvr .sorry to hear of your losses... big ones .
I am proud and glad to hear that you have hung in and that you found your way here to neuro.
I would think that since most times a person usualy celebrates a birthday year after year that birthdays are trained into ones memory much like the holidays and heck xmas is pasted all over to remind us. but the exact day and year one passes on, be it suicide or from illness , natural causes ...
it throws a hard fast curve ball at you and the loss is felt all year threw ...by you not by the whole world like a holiday or birthday that friends and co workers would share the mood along with you. so you have many reasons to not recall the exact year and day. You can always ask and write it down or find a way that you can memorialize it like a tree with a stone by it that has the date. I dont think it is that "unusual " to forget the exact year and day
of ones death but that is just my opinion.So much gets into your mind when a loss happens like that i dont think it unusual at all really. I hope you are able to get to the proper support and help for your pain to get threw this. and...
We hope to get to know you better I send you healing vibs .
PEACE
BMW

[Alffe]

Jan I'm so glad you found your way over here! I agree with what the others have said....you don't want to remember those dates and with good reason. Doug and Cindy made awful choices.

I have absolutely no memory of our son's funeral and the only reason I am able to remember the date is because it's in his obituary pasted in the two scrapebooks I made of his life. How can a whole 31 yrs. fit in two scrapbooks?

You've been left with an awful legacy and no one to really share it with. I am so sorry. That's why we are here....to talk about the pain we are feeling...the depression and the anger. And there is always the WHY? Not to mention GUILT.

Have you ever gone to a support group? Have you read any of the stickies at the top of this forum? I'm glad you have found us Jan.

[catluvr123]

Thanks for your input Alffe. I have tried the only support group in this area. I was disappointed because the members had lost children. I had much sympathy for each and every one of them but I didn't fit in because my loss was a brother & sister. I did not feel validated in my feelings of loss because I had not lost a child and that is only what the discussions were about. The group facilator was very nice & tried to be empathic but she, too, had lost her son and did not know how to react to my situation. She has been helpful though by sending me email whenever she reads anything about sibling survivors.

[Alffe]

It sounds like you attended a Compassonate Friends meeting Jan, and yes, they are wonderful for those who lost a child in anyway OTHER than suicide.
I made the mistake of attending one of those before we had a Survivors support group here in our town. I left sobbing because hearing their stories about holding, tending, and nursing their loved ones only added to my guilt.
My son died alone. A Survivors Support group is filled with those of us who have been left behind after someone we love kills themselves.

I have an ever growing library of books about suicide and get a wonderful news letter from Wisc. filled with articles and stories of other who live this nightmare. We, none of us, chose to be survivors but we're stuck with it.

Are you married? Children? I'm asking because I am hoping you have some hands-on support...some warm hugs..etc in your daily life. We have a plentiful supply here but there is no substitute for the real thing.

[muttontastic]

Hi Catluver,

I regret to say that I haven't had a chance to read the rest of the posts, so I apologize if what I'm saying has already been said.

Have you considered that perhaps your mind is unknowingly blocking those dates because you are remembering a date that is filled with good memories (the birthdates) rather than tragedy (the death dates)?

Also, as far as a gravesite is concerned, why not find a place that you feel comfortable at that will allow you to remember your family with good memories (perhaps a quiet lake, a solitary tree, somewhere you can be alone with your thoughts to remember them)? There is no rule written in stone that you have to memorialize loved ones at a gravesite. Make your own place to remember them. This way, not only is it peaceful and quiet, it's also a place that you feel comfortable at. Like I said, there are no rules concerning death and how one is supposed to remember those who have passed.

My best wishes are with you. I do hope you are able to get through this difficult time.

[catluvr123]

Muttontastic - What a great idea! I had not thought of enjoying a pleasant or quiet place to remember my family. Maybe I am lucky; a gravesite might be to dreary for me right now. Thanks!