You're way too fast for me monkey. Let's see if anyone notices?

notices what?

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!



hi BJ!

Now, WHO are you again?

What a beautiful post, BJ (I noticed....). Awesome. You too, HipChic...

YOu are such an inspiration....

I've noticed also...

BJ: "Brings Joy" when she posts.

(even when you're down...your posts help others...)

Oh BJ Your post just filled me with hope. I can't put to words
how happy I am to hear you are doing better. Your post was simply
beautiful and I thank you for sharing it with us. You have come so
far! And I too agree with Moi, every post you share, gives me
something positive to hold onto

I have random things going through my head and I kept saying today “You are forgiven, forever and always”. I haven't had thoughts of suicide in 3 days which has been a long time coming for me. I’m not sure if you know here in this forum but Monday I started EMDR for PTSD with a trauma specialist therapist. It’s really hard, it’s really painful but I have to be able to go back and relive it in order to heal. I’m not sure how many of these sessions I will need but she said I have multiple traumas and “living grief”. I’m not comfortable of these sessions because I’m so afraid I’ll have a psychotic breakdown because I disassociate, not littles, just disassociative amnesia. I wish they had never told me that. I posted in the BP forum but I saw a terrible image when I had EMDR. I’m afraid to go to sleep for fear I’ll see it again so sleep is eluding me. But I've gained my pdoc's trust and she gave me a script for Ambien.

Lately I've been sleeping with a teddy bear a lot, besides Hooper that is. I even talk to "him." I've found it very similar as talking to a therapist. It's not that the therapist has some new insight for me, but it's that they are non-judgmental. I feel safe there. I think we already know deep down what is best for us; it's just a matter of believing in ourselves. But anyway, I started to realize something. This teddy bear doesn't judge me. My room doesn't judge me. Hooper doesn’t judge me. I took a walk in the park. And the trees do not judge me. And then I started to believe that no one was judging me. That only I am judging myself. I’m starting to let go of all guilt, and love myself for who I've been, who I am, and who I will be. I saw a big part holding myself back was guilt. But I’m saying “starting” because I deleted my results of Bizi’s self-esteem test, it wasn’t pretty.

That's why I've also tried to incorporate nihilism into my life - that no one choice is better than another. There is no "right" and "wrong." It's helping me to release guilt and love myself a little better.

But basically, I felt yesterday that the entire universe loves me, and does not judge me, and that I could only love back. I’m a work in progress but I feel I’ve made such giant strides these last few days. And I'm falling asleep as I'm writing this

BJ....

Thank you so much for posting... you give me strength... I am trying hard right now.... very hard.

Thank you for being such an inspiration in my life!!!


Abbie

BJ....never, ever give up on yourself. It does FEEL, sometimes, like we are the only ones that we have left in this world, but that's a lie. There are SO many people "out there" just waiting to meet us and give us all the love we deserve and have never felt before. I know that's true because I've found that over and over in life and you have, too. How many of us have found that here? And in our "other" lives??? And just think how many people we have yet to meet so that we can love them - and teach them to love!!!! I think that life is such a tremendous miracle - such a beautiful cycle of giving and receiving and living and dying - it's so wonderful, when you just take the time to stop and think it all through. I know that my disease has given me the time to write about it a lot - and I do. I've written SO much and for so, so long. And I've written books to both grandkids so they'll know life from my point of view. But, I just wanted to tell YOU, BJ, that from this end, you are loved much and I can't stress that enough. Don't be afraid to sleep. Think good thoughts as you drift off to sleep - let us all watch out for you while you're sleeping! HUGS!!!!!! (sorry I ramble.....)

I'm sending ((Hugs)) your way. BF