That is how long ago my Dad took his life. Almost 8 months.
Yet, I hurt just as badly as I did in the hours that followed
his death. Some tell me it is because though I felt the pain
immensely, I was in shock. So now, that the shock has "worn
off" it hurts just as bad.

That is good in theory there Doc. But, the shock will never lessen..
I grieve just as deeply as I did that first day, and every day since.
This "grieving process" is unlike anything I have ever experienced.
5 stages of grief my butt! When I lost my only baby, I thought nothing
could ever hurt as badly. I have lost many many I love, but not to suicide.
It puts a whole horrific twist on the pain.

The healing of any loved one takes time. I understand this. I have
been through many loses. But, by 8 months, I was certainly on the
path to healing. With my Dad's suicide this is not the case. I think
about it at night as I lay awake with my tortured thoughts... how
can there ever be healing when one is left with the overwhelming
questions that surround a death by suicide? The whys and what
ifs will surely haunt me till my dying day.

I have spoken with others who have lost a loved one to suicide.
Though it was a dear friend or loved family member, they admit
they were not "that close" that it would destroy their life. I know
some of you here have lost someone who was part of your soul...
just as my Dad is to me.

I have reread some of your posts to me. All wonderful, and have
helped me hang on thus far. But, I need more.... I don't know what!!
I just know I need more to make it. Not sure if that makes sense to
anyone? A book, a prayer, therapy...anything that helped you hang on.....
If it is too painful or private to share here, perhaps you could IM me?
I know it must be unbearable to have been where I am, heal some, and
then have to revisit that pain.... but I truly need to know I can survive
this...