That is how long ago my Dad took his life. Almost 8 months.
Yet, I hurt just as badly as I did in the hours that followed
his death. Some tell me it is because though I felt the pain
immensely, I was in shock. So now, that the shock has "worn
off" it hurts just as bad.

That is good in theory there Doc. But, the shock will never lessen..
I grieve just as deeply as I did that first day, and every day since.
This "grieving process" is unlike anything I have ever experienced.
5 stages of grief my butt! When I lost my only baby, I thought nothing
could ever hurt as badly. I have lost many many I love, but not to suicide.
It puts a whole horrific twist on the pain.

The healing of any loved one takes time. I understand this. I have
been through many loses. But, by 8 months, I was certainly on the
path to healing. With my Dad's suicide this is not the case. I think
about it at night as I lay awake with my tortured thoughts... how
can there ever be healing when one is left with the overwhelming
questions that surround a death by suicide? The whys and what
ifs will surely haunt me till my dying day.

I have spoken with others who have lost a loved one to suicide.
Though it was a dear friend or loved family member, they admit
they were not "that close" that it would destroy their life. I know
some of you here have lost someone who was part of your soul...
just as my Dad is to me.

I have reread some of your posts to me. All wonderful, and have
helped me hang on thus far. But, I need more.... I don't know what!!
I just know I need more to make it. Not sure if that makes sense to
anyone? A book, a prayer, therapy...anything that helped you hang on.....
If it is too painful or private to share here, perhaps you could IM me?
I know it must be unbearable to have been where I am, heal some, and
then have to revisit that pain.... but I truly need to know I can survive
this...

(((Nikki))) You need a support group...you need to be able to share what you are feeling with people who understand. I'm here for you but I can't get my arms around you to comfort you.

When people say they understand, they really can't because they didn't have the same relationship with your dad that you had. Our grief is caused by the end of a relationship with someone we loved, therefore it's personal. Your sisters had their own special relationship with your dad and it's different from yours, therefore their feelings are different from yours.

In The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Cherry they say, "Each person experiences his or her pain at 100 percent. It makes no sense to compare your pain with someone else's. It makes no sense for someone else to attempt to understand yours. They have found that anyone who has suffered intense emotional loss has expanded patience and tolerance for another's grief."

My friend, who lost her son last March is in such anguish....when will this end? she asks me whenever we are together. Her emails are heartbreaking in that there is nothing I can say or do to fix it. I assure her, as I try to assure you, that it will get better someday but it takes as long as it takes.

Michael died in Jan. of 1990. He lives in our hearts and I am finally able to reach out and try to help others in this nightmare. Please try to find a support group near you (preferably a suicide support group but a grief support group could be helpful.)

When looking at my library for a book to recommend, I was struck by the titles....The Forever Decision....and it is one but not the way the author wrote it.....Making Sense of Suicide....as if it would make any sense to us, ever! No Time to say Goodbye....that's a good one...~sigh~

Please know Nikki that we are here for you and I am so very sorry that you are having to live through this.

Dear sweet ((Alffe)) I wonder if you know that I admire your courage and
strength. It must hurt something fierce to reopen wounds not completely
healed. Yet, you do this time and time again to help people... to help me.
I just love you!

I tell myself every day... if Alffe can do it, so can I. Some days I even
manage to give it a good run. I have tried therapy... I was told I had PTSD
and to take more medications. More medication, is not going to help me work
through these feelings. I just felt I was being offered a quick fix, drug her up
to shut her up. So I stopped going.

I have talked with several Stephen's Ministers at my church. It is so sweet
that these folks care and want to help. But, it does me little good to hear
about a kind loving God, and how one day I will see Dad again. I do believe
that. I have to believe it. When I lost my baby, I turned my back to God
for some time. I am not a hypocrite... if God knows what is in your heart,
why try to hide it? The anger I aimed at God, helped with my healing. I am
not sure why or how but I know it did. Now, I can't even be mad at God...
as I need to believe He is holding my Dad and taking away all his pain.

I have tried a grief support group, but it was all I could do to sit there. The
pain is so different when you lose someone to suicide. I know you KNOW this.
I didn't get to be there for Dad, hold him as he left this world, I was robbed
of my chance to say good-bye. I found no peace listening to those who were
able to do what I would have given anything to have done. I hope that doesn't
sound heartless. I know it hurts to lose a loved one, but as I have said before,
with a "natural" death, there is also peace. I just can't see how there can
ever be peace with a death by suicide.

I have read so many books on grief... perhaps it is where I am in my "grief
process"? But, they do little to help me. In fact they **** me off! Embrace
the grief, let yourself feel........ WTH??? Let myself feel? I am being consumed
by this grief.

This leads me to think, the only place I will ever feel understood is sharing
and learning from those who have also lost someone they love deeply to
suicide. That is why having this site is such a Godsend! Perhaps too, it is
time to try the SOS support group again?

I did try before, but couldn't go in. I also tried to do the SOS walk... it
was this past Sunday....... I just couldn't do it. I will keep trying...
thank you Alffe , all of you... for being here

In many ways, you are me Nikki. And it doesn't pain me to talk about Michael and his terrible choice because I have finally come to grips with it...I have accepted it (we won't talk about my anger right now..*grin)

A series of events have lead me to another path and it's really interesting to see the domino effect we can have on one another. I had to go to my Pastor for help before I could continue to help my neighbor...something too graphic that her husband said, something I couldn't get out of my mind. Once that was "lifted from me" I was able to help in a "hands on" kind of way that I had never experienced before and that's when I realized what was missing....what should have and could have helped me so many years ago. A support group...a good support group.

Please give it a try....I know they are out there, I also know there are bad ones out there but you won't know until you try. In fact they say you should attend 3 meetings before making the decision about it helping.

And taking meds this first year is so beneficial Nikki...you have way too much else going on in your life.

And keep talking here....we care...you are loved.

((Alffe)) Thank you for reaching out. It means more to me than you
could ever know I think I will even be able to get a bit of sleep
now. I will look into going to the SOS support group again. I know they
only meet once a month and it is a long drive.. but if it will help I will
give it a try. Or at least try to give it a try

I agree with you about the medications too. I am on 2 already. I also take a
sleeping pill, that doesn't work when my mindgets to racing like this. The
therapist wanted to add yet more medication into the mix, it just seemed
wrong to me. I do know the healing can't begin if the pain is covered by the
meds. The dose I am on now, doesn't mask the pain, but does allow me to
survive it.

You give me hope.

I recieved this in an email today, in responce to my inquiry about the
support offered at our local SOS chapter.....

"Time heals all wounds is not necessarily true for survivors of suicide. Time is necessary for healing, but time is not enough. Shared feelings enrich and lead to growth and healing."

The Circle

From within the circle, we talk about the past, I hear cries for fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters and friendships we thought would last.

And we ache for the arms of a loved one of a time too short lived and of questions left more piercing than a knife. Oh, the questions come hauntingly, pressing your mind, when a loved one takes their own life.

In the Circle I dare reach out my hand.
In the Circle help me see there's a plan for me.

And my story becomes yours as we struggle through the pain.
In the Circle, we remember their names.

We have daydreams of the future about how we thought it might be, with regrets of conversations that might have been the key.

We are angry and confused as we struggle for our breath. Our hearts cry out in anger in what has been labeled a senseless death.

We have good days and bad days, and without a trace, in the circle, tears and smiles meet as we gather strength together.

Sons and daughters, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters and friendships felt deep in our souls, memories and moments left clinging to us, and questions of how to let go.

shared feelings jumped out at me dear lady...so far, so good, I liked their response. A circle is sooooo true. We remember....

>
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I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you who posted here, to my page and who sent me private messages. Your words, your reaching out to me........... well, it moves me beyond words. It gives me the strength to face yet another day. Where would I be without you!!!
Thank you so much