[Nik-key]

I am wondering how to deal with bad thoughts about those you love who have taken their own life. By this I mean, strong emotion .. like thinking them a coward, anger at them for leaving etc etc

I have lost people I love, I went through the whole gamut of grief stages. I even had anger. But not deep seeded true anger. You may be mad they left you, but you KNOW it was not their fault and eventually these feelings subside. You hurt like hell, but eventually time does start to heal the wounds and you can look back on your memories with love in your heart.

I am finding this is not the case with suicide. I don't think my feelings are unique. I think most people who have lost someone they loved as deeply as I love Dad must feel these same feelings. I think the core difference is with suicide, unlike a "natural" death...... the person you love chose to leave you.

It wasn't an accident or illness etc .... God didn't call them home ….. it wasn't "their time" so you don't have that peace. There is no peace. Just the brutal truth that they, took their own life. They decided to leave you.

My Mom is dying. I am hurting beyond belief.......... but I have none of the mixed up torture that I still have over Dad taking his life. She is fighting. She is facing her pain. She is not going to rob me of precious time with her, or my chance to say goodbye. It IS hard!!!! But in such a different way than suicide.

I know part of the reason Dad's death is so hard for me is because frankly, Dad... he was more than love. He was my rock, the one person in this world I knew I could always count on. The one person when I was hurting could heal me with a hug.. a hug so tight and safe I just KNEW!!! I was going to be ok.

I need him now more than I have ever needed anyone or anything. Mom is dying, my family is in such pain.............. He should be here!! And damn it, I want to know how he could leave us like this.

My love for my Dad was so strong and true. I am ****** that he now has me thinking bad things about him. It isn't fair!! He took his life, and I am the one suffering. I now hurt so badly I can't see how one can live in this pain. But, damn it I will!!!!! His only saving grace in my heart at this moment.. is I truly believe he could not know the hell he would leave behind. Damn, this sucks!!!