Hi everyone, just wanted to let you know that I’ve been lurking. My thoughts and prayers to everyone dealing with the ice and cold weather. Stay safe and warm, and it makes me thankful that I am in California where it is warmer, especially since my heater broken. I love RHMS and that Michael and I used to the Time Warp everywhere, in fact I have a set of RHMS trading cards around here somewhere,

More stuff going on around here. Sheesh, for someone who doesn’t leave the house, or do much of anything for that matter, a lot of stuff breaks. Last night, a tooth broke, thankfully it doesn’t hurt (shhh, don’t want to jinx it). It all started with the garbage disposal, then the oven, the power and the heater/AC broke last summer, and the car. It never ends, but it’s not like I’ve been doing much to stop it.

Then once again, the kid has taken off. He was here from out of town for who knows how long this time, but couldn’t believe at what he was seeing (me, the house and such this way) and told me that he didn’t want to watch me rot to death and split. He said he would call, but I haven’t heard a word from him. He had a few choice words for me, words I have said myself, but that still doesn’t fix anything, or get me moving. He told me I needed and intervention, I told him nobody would come. He told me that I used to be the strongest person he knew, always got up when kicked, and he just doesn’t understand that I am tired of getting up, I don’t have the energy anymore. I tired of always having to suck it up and act like everything’s great. I was strong enough at Michael’s funeral, didn’t shed a tear, held everyone else as they wept, me I was the
strong one, well, now I’m broken.

Sorry for all the bitchin, I’m just tired, I wake up from the dreams (I guess) after a few hours, then when I’m awake I feel like I’m in a panic state all the time. Ever drink waay too much coffee, or taken one of those caffeine pills? Know that jittery, guard up feeling, that’s me all the time. It’s like my mind and body have forgotten how to relax. Then on the rare occasion that the phone rings or the door knocks, it really makes me jump.

I look at myself and wonder how in the hell it all got like this, sadly I know exactly how. How could I not, I’m living it. I’ve lived everyday the same way for longer than I want to admit, and I hate it, but that still doesn’t motivate me to change anything, so I go stagnant. What does amaze me is that I let everything just slip away, it is so obvious to me that I just don’t care. So much of me has changed, I used to care what the house looked like, what I looked like, not anymore. I just watch TV until the house has warmed up enough for me, then I hop on the computer and see that’s going on. Now I’m just ashamed and embarrassed at how bad things have gotten.

OK, I’m going to post this before I re-read this or this won’t get posted. I really thank you all for being a life line for me to the outside world. Many heartfelt hugs.