I am going to post this one thing, because I don't want it eating me, then I need take a break for a bit. March is looming, the one year anniversary.........

Dearest ((Alffe)) I am comforted that you have found this peace with your beloved Michael. I hope you know me well enough to know what I am about to say, is a reflection of my thoughts on my Dad's death. I would never do or say anything to hurt you or anyone here.

Dad was stone sober when he took that gun and shot himself. Dad's death was indeed tragic, but it was not an accident. I wish to God it had been. I wish he had been drunk or on drugs. It wouldn't make the pain less, but it would give me a something to blame.... other than him.

I know what it is like to hurt so badly that you just do not think you can face another day. I KNOW!!! But I damn well do it!!! Before when I was going through my darkest time in my pain, I wanted to die to end that pain ....so badly that I went to a Minister to ask if I would go to Heaven. He assured me I would. But he didn't stop there, he was someone safe that I could talk with. And I didn't stop there. I sought help, I fought and I fought. Much like a physical illness will not be cured by wishing it away, neither will an illness of the mind.

In my pain I did think of my family, I couldn't do it to them. So when I couldn't fight for me another moment, I fought for them. Then I only had an inkling of the pain my death would leave behind. It wasn't until Dad took his life that I knew .....truly knew, the hell suicide leaves behind. Now it is a fact, no matter how great my pain, I will not hurt others as Dad's suicide is hurting me.

I feel it worthy of repeating, Dad's hell, did not die with him! It now lives in me, it now lives in every single person who loved him.

I admit I am in a very bad place right now. I truly can see both sides, hell, I am living both sides!! If it sounds like I am angry, it is because I damn well am. It breaks my heart that Dad was in such pain. I can feel my soul being ripped apart. When Dad couldn't fight for himself any more, why didn't he fight for me? He didn't even give me a chance to help him. I know he fought, but damn it, he didn't fight hard enough!

This is the face of suicide..........



The last picture of Daddy, not 2 weeks before he took his life...


How could I know?? Why didn't he tell me?
Why? WHY!!!??? What if.... WHAT IF!!!???

That beautiful picture brought me to tears. Suicide was the last thing on your Daddys mind when that picture was taken.

You take all the time you need dear Nikki....we are right here.

Mik-key, I have to say that your post has deeply touched many feelings in me. Sadly, I too am on both sides, unfortunately more than once. My mom took her life 38 years ago when I was 21. I still remember that day, what I said when I got "the call". Amazing that my dad or my sister don't remember that day. Sadly last year my cousin took his own life at the age of 44. It is still a topic not to be discusded in my family all these years later. Maybe, just maybe if we talked about my mom's suicide, my cousin would have known the pain we were in. I'll never know, nor will his daughter know her dad, or my mom know my son or grand-buddies or them know what a loving person she was.

It's a wor.d full of whys, could I have, and all the questions with no answers. I just wanted to let you know that I understand and my heart aches for all of us.

I agree with you 100% Curious.

Suicide hasn't touched my life in the same way as some here. So I can only reply from my own perspective. Right or wrong.

I do feel that the inner pain and termoil a person who commits suicide is their own personal breaking point. Maybe if they had given it 5 minutes longer, those feeling would have gone.

But in that frame of mind, there isn't another 5 minutes that they can endure.

I feel such heartache Alffe when you post that Michael's suicide ruined your life. You have such a wonderful loving, caring, beautiful family. You give and recieve love from all over the world.

It absolutly SUCKS that your life was changed. Not fair at all. The path you were on went off in a different direction. Halted for awhile.

I do have post this, it's not to add any extra weight on your shoulders, but how many people have NOT committed suicide from reading your posts and others here on the forum? That end of the rope that someone is tugging? That last glimmer of hope that tomorrow might be a tad bit better? That someone cares and will listen?

My wish is that no one should ever had died in vain, that their time on earth meant something and should be shared and remembered.

I love you Alffe. I'm making tear soup..want a bowl?

(pm to follow if my modem stays on)

What a lovely post Curious...how about if I just sit here and bawl? *grin

I shouldn't use words like ruined because I do have much to be thankful for, not the least of which is this forum family and you in particular Curious because you have a forgiving heart in addition to wisdom. I need reality checks when I get on a "slide".

Yes, please let me share the Tear Soup....but first I need to shower.

Thank you ((Curious)).

Thank you for posting this Curious. I too bawled my eyes out when I read it!

I've shared some of my pain here in SOS since I joined, and I even re-itterated what I've shared today in another post, but there's more I still haven't confided. Some is still far too painful to talk about!

I had some wonderful, but thankful, words to say to you Curious about your post, but I cried so much when I read it that I completely forgot what I was going to say!

If I remember, I'll post later.

Awww ((((((((Anne))))))))) didn't mean to make you cry.

Count me as one of those people... The posts made by those who have lost someone to suicide have caused and continue to cause me to stop and take a breath... sometimes it's a very long breath...but because of all of you sharing your stories as hard as it has been for you.... I'm still here.
Thank you,

Abbie