Nikki
I am getting more worried about you and want/wish you would come tag a thank you or check in . you havent replied to my message and I ..WE need to know your around. so if ya dont feel like posting just tag a thankyou.
and without any doubt you and your family are in my/our thoughts prayers and hearts.




PEACE
BMW

I survived the one year anniversary marking Dad's suicide.....

Spring is here

The snow is melting

A full year of milestones behind me.............

Yet, it changes nothing.

The pain is just as deep.

I am still on the verge of breaking.

A WHOLE year....... and nothing has changed. The scars only deeper.

Damn, I miss him!

I would give anything, everything!! Just to have him back,,, just for a second chance to help him hang on.

Please, never stop holding on! You are loved more than you could possibly ever know!!!!!

It does change things Nikki. You won't see that now. Next year you can pull up these posts..the year after that.

You will see how many lives your posts have changed. How you have grown and helped others.

How many people will continue on..because of your words...


There is a purpose to all this. To every life and every death. We just aren't given those answers. Faith. It's what keeps us going.

and hugs that never let go.

That reminds me of the scripture, that All things work together for good,for those who love Jesus,and are called according to His Name.

That poped into my head when I was reading what Curious wrote.

Nik-key. You will make it,and I'm so sorry for your grief. BF

nik...

you "survived" pure and simple...it doesn't matter how you survived it. The amount of pain and suffering and aches that you went through to survive it.

you DID it...

it's *%&@_)(@!&$! I know, but you did...

and as curious have said, it will change. And everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, that reason sucks but there is still a reason for it.

but you pulled through your being and you have true grits. You SURVIVED...

keep on surviving, dear friend...

((Nik)) There is no magic marker. That first anniversary is hard because, well, it's the first without them.

My sister went into the hospital on her birthday, Nov. 11, 1986. She died Dec. 15. That was a helluva holiday season and the 1 year mark wasn't one bit easier. I went through all the same stages..anger, shaking my fist at god and anyone else who got in my way...despair, depression, you know. Whether her's was suicide or not, I grieved heavily. Was/is painful.

But it's not an everyday thing now where before it was all of those emotions every day. Now I still occasionally say "Why?" and "this sucks" to myself, and miss her so much, but it's not constant.

Look at our Ms. Alffe. She lost a child...just the worst thing I can think of, but she's here with us and I think doing pretty darn good.

I'm sorry sweet pea, it will take time. Spring is right around the corner and we even have plants peeking through the dirt, so then the snow will be bye-bye.

((Moi)) ((Steve)) ((Curious)) Thank you, your words helped me this day

((doody)) all loss if horrible I can tell how much you truly loved your sister, and I am sorry for your pain.

.................................................. ......................

I guess if there was one thing I could share with people who come here with suicidal thoughts..... is that yes, all loss is tragic, painful!!!

But the loss of a loved one by suicide, multiplies and manifest that grief. It leaves the survivors left behind with the ''normal" stages of grief.. X10 .. plus all the questions, the guilt, the blame, the what ifs and whys to haunt you the rest of your life.

I think it is normal to have thoughts that you just can't hang on one more minute.... when you can't fight for yourself, you fight for those who love you!!

My signature ... More Than One Soul Dies In A Suicide.....isn't a quote from a famous poet.
It is a quote taken directly from my shattered soul. When Dad killed himself, he killed most of me as well.

I will never be whole again.

I agree ((Alffe)) has saved me more times that she can possible know. Through your sharing of your devastating loss of your beloved Michael... you have shown other survivors of suicide, one CAN survive this horrific loss.

You have promised me with a lot of time, one day it will get better. Never truly healed, but better. I believe you

Wanted to leave you tons of hugs dear Nikky ...................................... and more !

It will dear Nikki. And what you have posted to people who
"entertain" suicidal thoughts is exactly why this forum is needed...lives are ruinned..more lives than you could possibly imagin. As I keep saying..the lure of suicide is a lie! Pter tought me that and how right he was.

I wish I had gotten "better, faster" because now I can "give back or at least try to and you'll do the same Nikki..when that load gets off your chest.

Your words will save lives...including your own because you are TALKING ABOUT IT!

[QUOTE=Nik-key;487854]!

My signature ... More Than One Soul Dies In A Suicide.....
It is a quote taken directly from my shattered soul. When Dad killed himself, he killed most of me as well. I will never be whole again.>.>

(((Alffe))) thanks for reiterating WHY this forum is needed.

Bless U ... for surviving, & channeling your experiences & pain , into precious outreach, help, support, advocacy.... more ..." Life savers"
BLESS all the brave souls who are talking about it

"these words will save lives including your own becasue you are TALKing about IT. "

(((NIKKI))) your words "when dad killed himself, he killed most of me. I will never be whole again..."
OMG- the intensity, magnitude of your pain & suffering rips my heart . i know how hard grief hit after my dad's "expected' death -- can only imagaine how horrific , devastating your DF suicide .. only a year ago.. how raw, painfull..

wonder if/ when will not hurt so, be so bad??
alfee, others share does, and did get better.. . i hear people say "time heals." but tend to agree w/ Dr Phil about "TIME Heals Nothing. its what [You] do with the time"

you are going thru your process, of grieving.... with all that encompasses
you are talking about it --
it may not restore or cure, but pray you'll get the 'healing' you need and deserve.. i do believe healing can & will occur... seems so agonizingly slow.. and painfull...

Yes, your words will save lives.....

but i do 'worry' about you, now...

i often wonder how u have managed --the pain med conditions , alone huge challenge & monster. with so many 'stressors' to exacerbate, trigger more pain, problems.. wonder, How you've endured, how you do go on...

HOw you care for your DH --in so many ways. how you steppd up into role of caregiver-what that meant; all you've lost, losing to his horrible
disease , all the pain grief of that long goodbye ....

wonder HOW much one [u] can take??? even the strongest 'machines' break down --when overburdened, overworked, overrun, overwhelmed.
wonder how much one should endure?? are there other ways to 'survive'

i don't have answers, wish did, just questions & concern....
ongoing prayers for BEST... blessings and 'good tings'
take care