I have one friend that I talk to. Out of all the friends I have, it is only her that I can speak with. Everyone else just tries to understand me which is sometimes insulting (I know they do it with the best intentions).

My parents are very frustrated with me. I know the love me, but they don't know what else to do.

I spoke with a counsellor once, and did NOT like her at all. I don't know if it was b/c it was a female and not a male. I think I have an easier time talking to males in professional roles. Sounds kind of ridiculous, but I think having someone make it sound so easy makes me think "well, look at this woman, doesn't she just have her life in order. I guess I should be more like her." Otherwise, I have an easy time talking to males and females outside of that capacity. Maybe I should seek out a male counsellor. I have male psychiatrist who I really like. He understands that I'm not really in denial and he doesn't treat me like a patient, but a human being who needs to make decisions for herself (and be proud of those decisions). But all he cares about is meds. Like my sessions with him are only 15 mins long. So now here I am. I had a bad experience with a counsellor and my psychiatrist just cares about doping me up (sorry, as grateful as I am for meds, I hate taking them).

I used to take paxil for anxiety attacks. My anxiety attacks have "gone away" and are now manifesting themselves in a more Obsessive Compulsive way. Then we tried Cymbalta (which I will never do again....made me have suicidal thoughts....and ever since then, I've been a train wreck). Now I'm on Prozac and I feel like it's not doing too much for me. Like, it does help, but I know that paxil alleviated anxiety symptoms more than Prozac is for OCD. Maybe I AM in denial. Maybe I've downplayed my symptoms to my doctor. For so long, I really was in control of anxiety. Now, OCD has come into my life and I'm not used to it and I'm so confused and so lost. I just want to lay down and let it win because I don't know how to overcome it. It's a relatively new thing to me and it's already ruined so many relationships. I was able to live a somewhat normal life with anxiety and all of a sudden OCD hits and I'm paralyzed by it.

LARA "I would suggest you never ever ever get comfortable with depression or feeling that you're always going to be alone." I'm going to write this down and keep it in my wallet at all times. Thank you so much. I go through these suicidal bouts every few days, so I'll always look in my wallet if I can't get near a computer.

I don't want to end my life, but I don't feel like living. Does that make sense? I feel like I CAN'T live under these conditions anymore. I'm exhausted. And it's hard when I'm trying to fix it but I can't (i.e. meds aren't working)

BLUEMAJO "About people leaving... Oh yeah... I have felt that too... Like everybody forgeting about me" YES! I feel like if someone was like "Manda, I need you to give me the shirt off your back" I would give it to them. Yet, people don't do the same for me. Maybe I shouldn't expect that of them OR myself. Maybe I give too easily.

ABBIE thanks for the comments on my pictures. I know that if I ever hurt myself, those people in the pics would be hurt so much more. I could never do it to them. But some days, it's so tempting.....SO tempting. Today was one of those days. And then my dad called me....and I started to cry as soon as I hung up. I see his face in pain, and it destroys me and I know I have to live another 24 hours.

Sorry for the long post.

Please, friends, please remind me to practice patience with myself. I think I'm so hard on myself. You guys are right--self confidence is key. Maybe I'll create a thread where I post one good thing that's happened in a day. I need to find something worth living. I need to find a coping method (thanks mistiis). I feel much calmer right now. But man, when I get in that mindset of "life isn't worth living," that's all I can think about. It's scary. Now that you've written me and my dad has called I feel a bit better. I am happy I found this board.

I understand what you are saying Manda... I get it. I've walked a similar path.

Unfortunately not all around us do get it...

My family loves me but they don't want to know what is going on with me... kind of ignore the problem and it will go away.

I had friends tell me to my face, that they loved me but that they were not equipped to help me.

I had friends tell me they could no longer be a part of my life as they couldn't help and felt I was leaning on them too much.

These things hurt... HURT A LOT!!!

I've found help after seeing many doctors and many therapists... I now have a doc and therapist that are helping me to deal with life.

Yes... I have to take medicines... I DON'T like them but I know the effects of not taking them... I'll take the meds. I had to try numerous meds to get the right combination.

Keep talking Manda... no post is too long!!!

Abbie

PLEASE abbie, tell me how you dealt with friends saying those things to you? That is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now. Sorry for the caps lock, I just can't believe someone else has had people say that to them. "Love you but.....I can't HANDLE you....I can't DEAL with your problems..."

How did you view these people? I try to be sympathetic and think to myself "Ok Manda, if YOU can't even understand your problems how do you expect THEM to understand them???" But then there's another part of me that is really ****** off at them for abandoning me during this time. And I start to think "what a horrible person who won't stand by me." I think that's unreasonable of me, but I can't help that I feel that way. I know I would do ANYTHING for any of my friends. So when I have people say things like "Love you but...." it just stings that much more. That's why I feel like I'll never have a successful relationship. At first, everyone wants to be your savior. And I warn people "Listen, this is what my life sometimes is like, if you can't handle it, then I'm sorry but...." and they always reply with "Of course I can handle it! We'll beat this thing." Then months or years later, they're just as exhausted as me. Are there people that know how to handle it? Or wait, not HANDLE it, but will help carry it with me and LIVE a life with me (not just try and DEAL with my life)? Because we all know what happens to saviors....

Hey little twin sister !!!

I find difficult too, to like psychologists, counsellors... Im actually afraid of them... BUT, I have always thought that a friend, your mom, your pet, the moon, God, your pillow, a beanie, etc, I mean, anybody even when non-professionals can be your best psychologist....

Psychiatrists are another matter... we do need them actually in my humble opinion... I know it is difficult to find the correct one, but once we do, they are very helpful... Mine is great, I mean, he doesnt just give me meds, but also listen to me like nobody else in this planet and he gives me great hints and advices so I can be happier... I always leave his office with a big smile and full of optimism... sadly, it doesnt last long...

About fluoxetine (prozac), give it time.... That's what I take too and at the beginning I was like huh ? but later one, I started to feel better and when I stop taking it, oops, I do miss it A LOT. So, it might work for you too

Also, do you take any supplements ? I have found that B complex helps me alot with my mood and vitamin D as well... so....

Great, Im closing this post here... Im having a bad day here so today, Im not precisly a good companion... but Im right here just in case.

Love,
Majo.

Hey Big Sis (and everyone else ),

I'm SO happy to have found you (and everyone else). You've no idea! I found this board by complete fluke and wasn't even going to sign up. And now I see that there ARE people that understand. And if they don't understand, they don't PRETEND to understand.

How long did it take for prozac to work for you? Do you remember? Do you mind if I ask what dose you take? I'm worried that maybe I down played the severity of my depression/OCD, so my doctor didn't give me a strong enough prescription. Maybe I am in denial. I try to hide my pain when I'm around professionals. I guess I get embarrassed. To my friends I tell them everything--how much pain I'm in. But to doctors, I try and be strong and show I'm making progress even if I'm not. I get scared that they're going to keep giving me more medication until I'm numb. I need to get over that fear.

Maybe I need to find another psychiatrist. Although I really like him, I find that he's too busy to listen to me.

I think my new goal is to buy my own place and get a dog. I've been so focused in getting into a relationship and finding someone that will love me for who I am. But I think maybe getting a pet would help me a bit because, in all honesty, as much as I want to have someone love me, I don't think I'm ready to be loved. As sad as it sounds, I think there's this part of me that is scared to be happy or maybe thinks that I don't deserve to be happy. I find that when I'm given the choice between A) Something I've tried and have failed at numerous times or B) Something I've never tried that could potentially work, I usually pick Option A even though I know it'll fail. I don't love myself yet which is hard for me....and people around me.

I know my posts are always so long. People have been telling me to write my feelings out but I have such a hard time writing when I do it in private. I need sound boards to bounce my thoughts off of otherwise it doesn't give me relief. Or, I just re-read what I wrote and it makes me sad. But here, I write and get responses...so if I go and re-read things, then at least I'm also re-reading other people's helpful posts And I like that people don't throw advice at me, they try and understand and tell me what's worked for them. Sometimes my friends just give me advice that doesn't make sense or that they don't even follow themselves.

Anyway, I don't take any supplements. I'll have to do some research on that. Thanks for the input.

I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Just keep writing me whenever you have the chance. I'll be home all day with my laptop close by me. Tell me something good that's happened today.

I start a new job tomorrow. I'm nervous, so I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for it.

You're always a good companion to have, we'll work through things together. I promise. I feel so connected to everyone already and I want everyone to know I'm behind them every step of the way.

Much love,

Manda

Hello again cutie !!!

Write as much as you need and ask about dosages anytime !

I only take 20 mg of fluoxetine each day.... Sounds pretty small, I even have to cut my pill in 2.... but it does a HUGE difference... hehe When Im extremely sad, like when my dog died, I took 40 mg... and it did the trick
Bad thing is it makes my skin dry and my pupils huge... Oh well, nothing is free in this life I guess....

Oh yeah.... A dog sounds like a excellent idea to me... I used to have 2 dogs... one just died last october, and I only have one now... she is too funny, she is always there for me.... and she knows how to make me smile
So, yeah, buying a dog will surely help you.

I want a boyfriend so badly... But I think that we have to "forget" about it, like dont pushing things that much so things can come easily... Well, that's waht people say... Oh man... I find it so difficult... Im like, I NEED A BOYFRIEND NOW !!!

Take care !

P.S Hey ! new job !!!! I feel your nervous !!! but, are you excited at the same time ? What will you do there !? Good luck tomorrow ! let me know how it goes.

Sorry to hear about your dog, but I'm glad the one you have now makes you smile

I'm so confused about meds! I was taking 20 mg of paxil for anxiety attacks and it helped. Then my anxiety attacks went away so I went off meds for awhile. Now I'm noticing obsessive compulsive behavior so they put me on just prozac. I'm up to 40mg (which sounds like SO much to me) and I don't really notice anything...or if I do, it's really small. So I don't know if I should up my dose? Or switch meds?

It's interesting that you mention how your skin reacted to it....I never even thought of that. I've noticed that mine has too!

About boyfriends I don't to sound negative. BUT as good as being in a relationship is, when things go bad it's really hard to deal with when you're emotionally unstable. I just got out of a relationship 8 months ago (wow, has it been that long already?? Why am I not healing faster?? Ugh...) and it really magnified my OCD and depression.

Everyone here is right. You really do need to love yourself. The break up was hard for me because I have constant negative thoughts, constant "Why did he do that to me? What did he mean when he said that to me? Why does he hate me? Why does everyone hate me?"

So maybe we can both find a relationship when we find happiness in ourselves. And I think we can. I like seeing people use " " in their messages, it makes me think that we all have a flicker of hope sometimes.

I'm pretty excited about the new job. I'm working at a College looking after some Arts programs. Think of me tomorrow keep your fingers crossed. I won't be able to check this page as often but I'll be sure to update you

Let me know about your day. I want to hear about it.

Hi Manda...

At first I ignored my friends saying these things and went on as if nothing had happened... I mellowed out for a while then was back leaning on my friends even harder. I was to blinded by life to see how I was affecting theirs.

I didn't understand that my friends weren't able to help me... I always thought that I could talk to my friends and they would be able to "fix" me.

I realize now that I was sooo wrong. Not in a bad way, but I was wrong for thinking my friends could help when they weren't trained as a Counsellor or a Psychiatrist.

I didn't think I needed Professional help but I did!! I was sprialling down quickly and didn't even know it.

About a year ago things went from bad to worse at such a fast pace that if something didn't happen, If I didn't get help... something was bad going to happen.

I didn't seek help on my own.... One of my friends asked me to contact one of my other friends... I did and was told... you have an appoinment with at a local mental health place... It's your choice, go or we are out of your life.

I wasn't going to go on my own... my friends knew this... I can't recall exactly what happened but I ended up at the appointment with one of my friends taking me there and sitting through the whole 3 hour appointment with me.

I didn't speak to my friends for several weeks to months....

I now understand why my friends couldn't help me.

I LOVE my friends for doing what they did.... things had to be done the way they were done, had to be said the way things were said.... I don't believe I would have gotten the help I didn't want or felt I needed with out my friends.

Sometimes tough love is the best love there is......


Abbie

Aw Manda !

I will be definetely thinking about you tomorrow !!! The best of luck for you ! Hopefully you will feel happy in that job.

So, do you like arts ? Because I love them !!! my place at the lab is all decorated and everybody comes to see it even from another labs... LOL They keep asking why I decided to be a biologist and not a desginer...

Tons of love !!!

Oh wait... about Prozac, how long have you been taking it ? I think it took me like 2-3 weeks to start feeling "the power"....