[jowen214]

A little while ago, my husband told me that he kind of had words with his mom earlier tonight. All because of me.

I've been in a relapse since beginning of October. We live 1.5 hours away from our family, so they haven't seen me and didn't realize how bad it's been. I tend to downplay things b/c I don't like to worry them. I was on the phone with my mother-in-law Sunday afternoon, and she told me she hoped I felt better and was able to come home for Thanksgiving. I agreed, and then she made the statement, "I would hate for you to be at home alone for Thanksgiving." Yes, she actually said that like she believes my husband would take our daughter and go out of town while I'm at home going through a relapse. I was in shock b/c that was so unlike her. I never mentioned it to my husband.

Well, tonight my husband had to run to town to pick up something for a pie he was making for work tomorrow, and they were talking on the phone. She started talking about Thanksgiving. We're going to her sister's house. She made the statement that if I needed to lay down in their bed, they (meaning her family) wouldn't mind. My husband told her that she didn't understand...she interrupted, saying she did...he said he raised his voice to her and told her no, she didn't understand(proud of him!!) and explained how bad it's been. Then he told her that even if I felt like being in a car for an hour and a half, that when I felt so bad, I can't handle being around a lot of people, the noise, and just didn't have the energy to do it. She then proceeded to say that if I didn't feel like going to her sister's for lunch, I could stay at her (MIL's) house while my husband, daughter, and MIL went, and everyone would understand. He didn't like or agree with that, told her so and told her that he would never ask me to do that and didn't think it was right to leave me alone.

I know people who don't have MS don't "get it", and I know they don't. It just hurts me. I guess I just needed to say it to people I know would "get it".

Thanks for listening. If anyone reads this, I hope it make sense. When I feel so crappy, I'm not always sure if what I'm saying is coming across the way I mean for it to.
jenn

[Kitty]

I understand what you mean, Jenn.

Your MIL is probably trying to make herself feel less guilty for suggesting that your DH and DD leave you at home alone by saying that you could lay down somewhere or stay at her house if you weren't feeling well.

I still have trouble trying to explain why I cannot be around too much stimulation.....noise, lights, crowds, excitement.

You have an amazing DH! Good for him for standing up for you. Maybe this is what it's going to take for your MIL to understand.

I hope you feel better soon!

[karousel]

I'm sorry your MIL upset you. Family has a way of doing that, don't they? I have learned over the past six months that not only does my family (extended) understand my MS but they have absolutely no understanding of my DD's food allergy (which may not actually be an allergy now). What I'm trying to say is that people who do not have a certain illness, especially one like MS, have absolutely no way of understanding what we go through on a daily basis. I wish they would just listen. Good for your DH for supporting you!!!

[kicker]

I had a tough weekend!! We drove four hours, stayed at SIL's house and she took kids to look at her old college, DH and I shopped at my favorite store (I bought 6 things, DH balked at 7th), I'm in a chair, brought manual, 6 steps up to get in and out of house, house 2 steps into Living room. 1 to kitchen, Powder room a L and so tight with sharp short turn DH had a lot of trouble getting me in, I got often left on one level when people moved into another room, DH became a little brother to his older brother (who is a $%R&@ republican and if he's all rigtht, he says "who cares about others with less? That's their problem, their stupid choice", in slightly different words). I hope MIL understands a visit to her up to her second floor (stairs only) apartmentwas out of the question. She's probably mad her son and grandkids didn't go see her. We drove 4 hours home and I slept that day and most of one after. Most eating places have Women's or Men's rooms, Me and DH are one of each and when out, I need help, so I saw two Men's rooms. Some guys who got the problem stood lookout and refused other men entry. I had to laugh. Sneaking round at 53!!!!!!!! No wonder I hate going out!!

[Dejibo]

Awww hugs! Sounds like mom was trying hard to rescue a situation that may have taken her son/grandchild away from her during the holidays, and was working hard to find ways to rescue it, even if it meant keeping others uncomfortable. From what you said, it sounds like MIL isnt normally that type, so maybe there is extra company this year that she wants to show you all off to? I hope you can focus on just getting better, and let MIL take her big girl pill, and realise that her little boy's place is by the side of his wife and child.

I too live 2 hours away from the husbands family, and they get testy sometimes when we dont show up for all the birthdays, christinings, graduation, and holiday parties. We pick a select few ahead of time, and aim for those. We dont attend all the lil kid parties anymore. We dont have lil kids anymore, and we save our energy for the special events.

You are NOT selfish to want your DH to stay by YOUR side when you are not feeling well, and it sounds like your DH has this well in hand. Please, kick back, try to rest, and let him drive. Sounds like he knows just what to say to mom, and just where to draw the line.

Feel better

[braingonebad]

Ugh! Isn't it exhausting just trying to explain? I know that people are just trying to offer suggestions on how to cope sometimes, but I wish there was just a remote and you could push a button that made them say, "Oh, I see! Okay do it your way."



I hate being made to feel combative, having to justify what I can and cannot do when all I am having a hard enough time just getting through the day.

So glad your dh is on the same page with you and able to speak up. GOOD for him.

[jowen214]

I think you hit the nail on the head. She is not normally this way; however, around the holidays, she and my mom can be somewhat competative in making sure the other doesn't get more time with us (well, it's really all about my daughter, but that's how it is with grandchildren, isn't it? especially the first/only grandchild!).

MIL is separated from her husband, my DH's step-father, (thank God!) and it's been extremely hard on her. I do understand that. It's the first major holiday and the normal holiday plans have been changed since we won't be going to his family's house. She doesn't want the holiday get-together to be as small it would be if it were just her, my DH, me and DD, so she made plans for us all to go to her sister's house. I do get that she is having a really hard time with this separation/pending divorce (she shouldn't be b/c he is an _ _ _ and deserved to be kicked out long ago---the first time he cheated on her) and feels that she needs her son with her. I know that she really isn't thinking normally, and I'm trying to remember that.

My mother, bless her heart, loves to throw in an "if y'all would move home, you'd have so much help when you are in a relapse or just having a bad day" in almost every conversation we have. It would be great to have all that help, but it might just be TOO much help, if ya know what I mean.

Thanks everyone for your replies. It does help to hear from those who understand.

Originally Posted by Dejibo

Awww hugs! Sounds like mom was trying hard to rescue a situation that may have taken her son/grandchild away from her during the holidays, and was working hard to find ways to rescue it, even if it meant keeping others uncomfortable. From what you said, it sounds like MIL isnt normally that type, so maybe there is extra company this year that she wants to show you all off to? I hope you can focus on just getting better, and let MIL take her big girl pill, and realise that her little boy's place is by the side of his wife and child.

I too live 2 hours away from the husbands family, and they get testy sometimes when we dont show up for all the birthdays, christinings, graduation, and holiday parties. We pick a select few ahead of time, and aim for those. We dont attend all the lil kid parties anymore. We dont have lil kids anymore, and we save our energy for the special events.

You are NOT selfish to want your DH to stay by YOUR side when you are not feeling well, and it sounds like your DH has this well in hand. Please, kick back, try to rest, and let him drive. Sounds like he knows just what to say to mom, and just where to draw the line.

Feel better

[Jules A]

It really sounds as if she just wants you and your family to be able to find a way to spend the holidays with them. Since she doesn't sound mean spirited I'd take it in a loving but clueless way but definitely do whatever you need to do to keep yourself healthy.

FWIW I have been alone on holidays when I didn't feel well and it was a welcome hiatus. Everyone else got to enjoy the festivities elsewhere and I was permitted to rest at home in peace. Might not be a bad compromise.

[SallyC]

My DDH would never confront or argue with his Mother. He was very loving and supportive of me, but he wsas more afraid of his Mother than of me..LOL

When I first had this rotton disease, I cried a lot when I chose to stay home and let them party, but, I learned that, as Jules said, appreciated the time away from the hustle bustle and enjoyed the time alone, wiff me doggy..

DDH's Mother was not an understanding woman and had to have things her way. My Mother, although very understanding, too, had to have everything her way. Holiday get togethers were always a PITA!!!

God bless your DH, for his courage..

[ewizabeth]

I understand Jenn. Many of my relatives have a hard time "getting it" too. I'm glad your DDH stuck up for you.