[SpaceCadet]

I really don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything to make myself feel better. Everything that has been suggested on this forum, I've tried, and nothing seems to work. Instead, I get worse and worse everyday and now it's unbearable.

I can't explain the way I feel...I'm just foggy and my personality keeps changing. When I try to engage in conversation, I'm just blank and don't know what to say. I used to be able to break through every now and then, but now I'm **** up 24/7. I'm not even able to drink fluids cuz it throws my brain for a loop. How does that even make sense? Sleep doesn't help anymore, in fact, it makes me feel worse. My personality and communication has changed so much...and it gets worse by the day. I'm saying inappropriate stuff that doesn't make sense...and people laugh at me. Nobody understands what I'm going through. My mom tells me "You think you're declining but you're really not. You don't seem any different than you were before". My reaction time is getting slower by the day. My memory has gotten so bad, that I could barely remember what happened yesterday.

When my son gets older, if I'm not a vegetable by then, how am I supposed to teach him anything if my brain is so **** up? I can't even remember anything from when he was first born. My girlfriend has to remind me about cute things he used to do...and then I'm like "Oh yeah...", even though I don't remember much of it.

I can't stand to live like this anymore...but I don't want to miss out on my son growing up. I want him to have his father around.

Just got my backpay for Social Security. I can't even enjoy having money in my pocket because "MONEY CAN'T BUY A NEW BRAIN". I'm supposed to be moving out of state soon, to start a new life with my family...but I'm so bummed out by this crap.

I slept the entire day away and still can't function...I just wanna die.

[Mark in Idaho]

Nick,

Your writing shows that you are not deteriorating. Believe your mom. I think you just have too high a standard for yourself. Until you get away from the constant busy-ness of LV, I don't think you will find any respite. Your trip to the Fremont experience is likely hitting you with a delayed reaction.

Your past experience with addiction may have you feeling like you need to have a better sense of well being. You appear to be addicted to feeling good. Anything less makes you think the world is collapsing around you.

The kids do not need you to be a rocket scientist but they do need you. Please dig in and go on for them. Have a phone number handy for when you need help. There is good help available.

Once you find a slower pace for life, thing will be able to get better. Once I moved away from San Jose, I did much better.

Please hold tough and endure for Caleb.

[Eowyn]

You need to tell your doctor and your family right away that you are having these thoughts. If you feel that you are going to act on them imminently, you need to take yourself to the hospital or call 911. This is not reality. This is depressive brain chemistry LYING TO YOU.

You need to get in touch with a professional therapist who can help you learn Cognitive Behavioral Therapy so you can learn to identify the cognitive distortions you are telling yourself.

Also, if you are not already taking an antidepressant, you need to. If you are taking one, you need to tell your doctor it's not working.

There are things that can be done to help you. Please reach out for them.

[andromeda]

Don't kill yourself - your son needs you so much more than you know. Suicide is devastating to a family.

I know it doesn't feel like it now but there will be days where you will look back on this and feel so relieved you didn't through with it...I've been there myself.

Please talk to your doctor. Ask him to refer you to a mental health specialist. There are numbers you can call when it gets too much and you can always phone 911 or visit your ER if you feel like you might go through with it - there will always be someone there to help you.

People love and care about you and they'd be distraught if you were gone. Start your new life with your family, spend a little money on yourself, take things one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. You don't have to be the best you can be all the time, 365 days a year. Relax, do what you can do for now and the rest will come eventually. Sleep and don't feel guilty, feel sad if you need to, but don't kill yourself. It won't solve anything and will leave a gaping hole in your son's heart for the rest of his life.

Once an injury has happened to us, we have a different perspective. We no longer have a sense of security about anything.

An injury is not a chronic disease, it is a chronic condition. A disease has the ability to cause deterioration, but an injury doesn't. But we still wake up each morning with it.

You don't have a neurological disease, but you have had a brain injury. It's an injury that haunts and confronts most of your insecurities on a daily basis.

This is the destructive part and this is the decline, because it is your centre of attention, all the time, and at some point you don't want to think about it any more.

Right now, you are okay. You are not concussed, you are not injured, you are not sick. You can enjoy your son, you can make him laugh, play with him in the sun and make new memories for both of you.

Teach him to wear helmets, play safely, protect his head. Teach him this importance, and you will be teaching him something you both would otherwise have been ignorant of had your injury never happened.


You can private message me any time.

[tamisue]

Nick-

Your little man needs you-and you need him. Don't do anything stupid.
You are better than your injury. Don't let the bad guys win.
I know its a struggle. I know its hard but you are tough..tougher than
you even think.

Hang on. Talk to your dr. Tell them you need some help-not just for you,
for your family.

[rmschaver]

Perhaps the hardest thing to do is to be in this one moment. Not our past not our future. Space cadet I have followed your post and find strength, courage, determination and focus. Your son will need two things from you.

1. That you engage with him. Just be with him as he learns and grows. No preconditions. He will love you regardless.

2. Your love. For a child love is spelt T-I-M-E.

As for the memories keep a scrap book. It is a time tested way of saving photos and momento's.

[Dolfinwolf]

Everyone who has replied has had some great advice for you. I hope that you continue to hold on and fight. Even if it is not for you, do it for your son. That is what keeps me going, to be honest. They are the only ones keeping me sane right now.

Please get some help, somehow...or there is also another forum by psychcentral,

forums.psychcentral.com

and there is a depression section, and a whole bunch of threads and forums to explore, and people to talk to about this too. (There is even a games section too which helps distract)

Just a thought. But I hope you hang on for your little man.

Feel free to PM me if you want. I understand how you feel.

[Jomar]

We have a great group of members on our Survivors of Suicide forum, it's for survivors of /or family members of, and also for those that may feel inclined to take that way out, and needing to talk with others.

Friendly members to help you think about more before taking any permanent action.
here -
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

[ginnie]

Keep trying and never ever give up. Your family needs you. Death is a permanent solution for a TEMPORARY problem. You can and will get better. That child of yours, enjoy each precious moment. All life is fragile no matter what our conditions are. Reach for help, call that number if you get into trouble. There is help available, if you seek it. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. ginnie