[Laupala]

Apologies in advance if this gets too rambly or personal, but it's been on my mind lately and I need to crystalize my thoughts and wonder what others' experiences are.

I've been thinking a lot about what acceptance really means, and am struggling with it. I've certainly accepted on some level that I'm not currently the same as I used to be, not as happy as I used to be, I can't do all the things I used to do, think the way I used to, work the way I used to, and generally be in the world like I used to. I've accepted this in the sense that I don't keep trying to do all the things I used to because experience has taught me that I can't, and I just generally have the sense that I'm not the same, I don't feel like myself, and am always in some kind of pain.

Something tells me that this isn't really true acceptance though, and it certainly isn't bringing about any sort of peace with where I'm at. The truth is that I don't like this new self, and the only part of me that feels like my old self is the part that's pointing at my current self and saying, "this isn't me, I don't like this".

Perhaps that's why it's relatively easy to get into a melancholic or depressed mood, because it feels true in the sense that it's an expression of something like my old self reflecting on my current situation. I'm not always depressed or anxious, but the potential is always there for the simple fact that on a fundamental level I'm not OK with having a brain injury. I hate it, and want it to be over.

But I think this stance likely prevents my mind (and thus brain) from finding a level of peace necessary for healing. I just don't know what genuine acceptance would even feel like, because I just don't feel genuine in being OK with this as my life. What would genuine acceptance mean? Giving up on a PhD and the generally active life of the mind that I've wanted to pursue my whole life? If I give up that pursuit, I don't know where that leaves me, my sense of self will be totally transformed into something new, and from my current perspective, lesser.

I'm currently trying but muddle my way through at a slower pace, but I just don't know if this will cut it, or if it's detracting from my chances at a fuller recovery. I think the ideal perspective to have would be one of total acceptance of my present state, with a strong faith that things will get better and I'll be able to live a happy, productive life, either as something close to my old self, or something different, but still happy and productive in a way. Unfortunately faith is something that comes difficult to me.

I'll stop rambling now. I'd love to hear others' perspectives on this difficult journey of acceptance, and anything you've found helpful in being a bit more at peace with where you are in whatever stage of healing.

[newbie787]

I think to some extent acceptance just means understanding your situation is different. When you first get the injury, you are typically in denial about the severity, then like most you go through anger until you eventually reach acceptance. That doesn't have to be calm, or ok with it, it just means that you've moved past the constant bargaining. I had another long term injury prior to the TBI that drastically reduced my quality of life and I would never say I was ever ok with it. But I accepted it as a slight limitation.

[Blairzo]

Acceptance for me was when I stopped trying to prove myself as a responsible person!
I always told people ,I used to work in air traffic.... Like I had to quantify myself.
It was when I didn't talk about being brain injured and was getting on with living.
It was when I had let go of the idea that I could go back to the way I used to be.
I accept that my memory is scetchey and I don't have control over what sticks and what doesn't, I have fatigue and I need to remember to have down time to stop it from hitting like a brick wall. I struggle to understand new learning.
I get lost in new places and I don't cope with sensory overload.
Knowing this and acknowledging this means that I'm not caught up in trying to be what I was, constantly pushing to do the impossible and refusing to hear the word no.
Once I was engaged in doing something productive on a daily basis and not desperately trying to make my brain and body doing the impossible, I progressed much quicker and gained more peace!
I don't know exactly when it happened, sometime around 5-7 years post injury. A long time!

[SweetC]

Laupala, I feel like your post could have been written by me. Paragraphs 5 & 6 resonate particularly loudly with me. They echo my thoughts and feelings exactly.

My husband has been telling me for months that he feels my resistance to this new me is hindering my happiness and ability to continue to heal and move forward. Even though I've been affected by pcs for over a year now, I often find myself falling into old habits or doing things my former self could handle but this current me suffers dire consequences.

It is extremely difficult for me to accept my limitations without feeling like I am failing at life and my career. I am not the mother, wife, friend or teacher I used to be and I am at constant war with myself over what I still feel I should be able to handle and who I now am in this world. I am used to being fiercely independent and manager/multi-tasker extraordinaire of our busy household of six.

Some positives: My husband has stepped up and taken on a much larger role in managing the household to lessen my obligations. While things are often not done to my standards, the bills are paid, and the house and children are reasonably clean, happy and we're all fed! Tnings like sweeping doesn't happen near as frequently as I would like, but I know there are bigger things to focus on.

Another huge positive: I did return to my teaching career this past September after being out all last year. I've had to do some major adjusting in how I approach my job and deal with the daily demands. It's been a tremendous challenge and many days I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. I'm not the teacher I was and I'm not sure what I'm doing is sustainable or worth the physical and emotional consequences I've been experiencing. Will that change if I figure out how to accept where I am at right now? Hard to say, but perhaps I would cope a little better and therefore put my mind in a better state for continued healing.

I think, for me, it is difficult to accept this new self when the new me is a person I do not like very much. How does one accept a self they do not want to be?

[Mokey]

I feel and felt the same. Had JUST finished PhD .... Could not do that now. Depersonalization is really common. I felt like I died and and am building a new person. I do have bits of myself that are intact. You have to hold onto those bits and keep building. You'll get there. It's just really awful. I too hate the injury with a passion.
Hang in there and focus on the future. Do not look back

[FuzzHead]

I think about this a lot. What is acceptance? Do I want it? How do I reach it?

I was sharing an update on some of my struggles with a friend the other day and she said it’s been too long and I need to embrace the 'new me'. Although I didn’t show it at the time, I was so put off by this statement. Yes there may be some logic in this but how can you embrace something that has taken control away from your life that you were happily living and building? I don't think acceptance has to be about liking it, but certainly hating it doesn't help either..so I know the feeling.

I am constantly trying to analyse, reflect, learn and share learnings on this.
I read a lot and journal a lot but at the same time try to not let it steal any more time from me than it already has. I try to maintain bits of my old life that make me feel ‘normal’ and productive. But it’s still so hard to stop the analysing when the symptoms plague you and this stolen feeling affects you everyday. Nonetheless I have to appreciate it’s brought out this new side of learning and reflecting, which has given me a fresher (and more philosophical) perspective on life. I find talking with my psych on these deeper issues provides some comfort also.

Acceptance for me is about adjusting to this new me constantly. And not being too hard on the choices I make - like whether to get out there, take a step back or just withdraw for a while. Because at the end of the day, all I’m doing is my darn best trying to navigate these unchartered waters. I try to recognise the good, bad and ugly in myself from this, but spend a concerted amount more time focusing on the good aspects I get out of this experience. We’ve all heard about personal growth one can achieve through trauma, and although it’s hard while you’re still in the thick of it, I try to think about the better person I can become (for myself and others), not just when I’m recovered, but starting now.

Thank you all for your ramblings and allowing me to share mine. They resonate so loudly with me!

[Diandra]

Good thread.
You have ALL been so articulate with your personal definitions of acceptance.
I am truly impressed. My brain issues are from an infection(Lyme Disease) and seizures caused by meds, not an accident, as many of you have explained but I am slowly learning the symptoms are many similarities.

Blarirzo said it for me by saying,
"It was when I had let go of the idea that I could go back to the way I used to be."
That hit the nail on the head.
That was a VERY long time coming, however.

Though, on a positive note, I do think there are plenty of folks who heal from brain injuries (return to the way they were beforehand). I did heal quite a bit but hit a plateau and after many years realized, this was my new normal.

I have learned a lot from many people on this forum and this thread. Thank you for your well written posts. I often feel so alone in my hyper sensitivity to light and sound and over stimulation. I hate it when I have to go sit in the car when we are out and the sounds, smells,lights become too much. You all make me feel less weird.

Diandra

[Bud]

I look at it this way...we are always in a state of change. I am 56 and if I was the same today if I was 30 years ago I am in.a sad place.

If we change without injuries what's to worry about the change due to an injury....either way it is a natural part of life.

Took awhile to arrive at that conclusion, I'm not the brightest bulb!

Bud

[Almost]

Laupala,
Since I read your post the first day it showed up I have written many replies and none seemed right so I just let it go. Now after reading all the posts I felt it was time for me to tell you how your post affected me and tell you what I think acceptance is.

Your post evoked quite a few emotions for me, it made me sad to read. It also provoked me to try and find an appropriate response for you. Have I found acceptance, I am not sure. I think I have found ways to move forward with my life in a different way than I used to. Am I happy about it, not really but there is little I can do to change it.

I am a lot older than you and I have had a successful career. As hard as it is to accept that it is over, I think it is easier to look forward and try to shape what the rest of my life will look like. That is not to say that I find it easy not to think about how much more I could have done, it is just I feel fortunate that I do not have to figure out what a career path with my limitations would look like. I will just have to let it go. I will be 'retired' earlier than I wanted to be, but I am ok with that I guess as there is no other option for me.

It is all very complicated, trying to find the balance between living day to day with the new reality of life, trying to garner some of the things that came so easily in the past. Simple things like attending family gatherings, being able to spend more than an hour with my busy grandchildren, visiting with friends, dining out, movies on the big screen... they all take so much out of me. Trying to figure out how long is too long and if the price I will pay is worth the effort of being there. And yes, accepting that there is a price to pay for putting myself in an environment that is not good for me. I am sure with time finding that balance will be easier.

I have had lots of therapies and still continue with Vision therapy, physio, psychology and I work with an occupational therapist. They talk about the 'new me'. I don't like that phrasing, to me it is like pretending the old me is no longer there...because she is still there. Maybe she is helping to form the latest version of me. I don't think you can have the new version without some of the old version. The 'team' and my family have all tried to help me find ways to accept my limits and help me understand the necessity to budget my efforts.

So after all that, I am saying that acceptance for me is recognizing that I have limitations, that I need to plan my days and budget my time so I can have some meaningful times that don't put me back to ground zero, and if I do find myself back where I do not want to be it is ok I just start all over again....trying to plan better...

[Bud]

Almost,

Seems like a strong winning attitude and approach to me....impressed!

Bud