[Laupala]

Apologies in advance if this gets too rambly or personal, but it's been on my mind lately and I need to crystalize my thoughts and wonder what others' experiences are.

I've been thinking a lot about what acceptance really means, and am struggling with it. I've certainly accepted on some level that I'm not currently the same as I used to be, not as happy as I used to be, I can't do all the things I used to do, think the way I used to, work the way I used to, and generally be in the world like I used to. I've accepted this in the sense that I don't keep trying to do all the things I used to because experience has taught me that I can't, and I just generally have the sense that I'm not the same, I don't feel like myself, and am always in some kind of pain.

Something tells me that this isn't really true acceptance though, and it certainly isn't bringing about any sort of peace with where I'm at. The truth is that I don't like this new self, and the only part of me that feels like my old self is the part that's pointing at my current self and saying, "this isn't me, I don't like this".

Perhaps that's why it's relatively easy to get into a melancholic or depressed mood, because it feels true in the sense that it's an expression of something like my old self reflecting on my current situation. I'm not always depressed or anxious, but the potential is always there for the simple fact that on a fundamental level I'm not OK with having a brain injury. I hate it, and want it to be over.

But I think this stance likely prevents my mind (and thus brain) from finding a level of peace necessary for healing. I just don't know what genuine acceptance would even feel like, because I just don't feel genuine in being OK with this as my life. What would genuine acceptance mean? Giving up on a PhD and the generally active life of the mind that I've wanted to pursue my whole life? If I give up that pursuit, I don't know where that leaves me, my sense of self will be totally transformed into something new, and from my current perspective, lesser.

I'm currently trying but muddle my way through at a slower pace, but I just don't know if this will cut it, or if it's detracting from my chances at a fuller recovery. I think the ideal perspective to have would be one of total acceptance of my present state, with a strong faith that things will get better and I'll be able to live a happy, productive life, either as something close to my old self, or something different, but still happy and productive in a way. Unfortunately faith is something that comes difficult to me.

I'll stop rambling now. I'd love to hear others' perspectives on this difficult journey of acceptance, and anything you've found helpful in being a bit more at peace with where you are in whatever stage of healing.