[SDFencer]

OK, short story, in the last 12 years I have had 2 surgeries for brain surgery, 5 strokes, 5 seizures, lumbar and cervical spine fusion. At the present time I am slowly but surely losing my ability to walk. I fall with alarming frequency. The last surgery was to help me move back to a cane and not forward to a chair. (I use a walker now.) Come join the pity party.
We can’t figure out the falling. I can be standing there and suddenly flop right over. No pain, no dizziness. I can be walking and my legs give out. I am so tired of falling.
I played Big 10 basketball and then I was on the US Wheelchair Fencing Team. I had to stop fencing when I had my back surgery. I coach basketball now and it tears me apart to watch them play. ( no, I can’t do chair basketball) I miss being active so darn much. I want to cry at a game. I’ve gradually become “that guy” who sits in a chair all day watching Netflix. I can’t volunteer because I can’t stand more than 30 seconds and I can’t use my hands for small tasks. (typing this takes forever.)
When does acceptance start? It has been 12 years. I keep starting to have darker and darker thoughts. But I’m hung up on the way to do it and how they’ll tell my beautiful grandchildren. I have to do it somewhere else so they don’t find/see me.
Telling me that there are people in worse shape than me doesn’t help. I know that and I have empathy for them. But this is Me.

Help